My 15 year old Son refuses to let me adopt my stepkids

[pirdgz]

I am posting here because I am at my absolute wit’s end and desperately need some advice

A bit of background I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years (we’re both mid-40s). We were best friends back in high school and have a long history together. My first marriage lasted 7 yearsit wasn’t high drama, but we completely lost interest in each other, put in zero effort, and eventually divorced. My husband was already divorced long before my own marriage ended (I had nothing to do with his divorce!). Toward the end of my marriage, I had an emotional affair with him. My first marriage was already dead in the water and my ex wasn't putting in any effort, so we eventually divorced, I started dating my now husband, and we got married

Six years ago, his ex wife sadly passed away from an illness. Up until then, they shared 50/50 custody of his three kids (two girls and a boy, all around 15 now, same age as my son). When she died, they came to live with us full-time. They needed extra care and support, so my attention naturally shifted to helping them through it. Over the last 6 years, we’ve built an incredibly close bond they call me Mum, and I take care of them as my own.

I also have a 15 yearold son from my first marriage, shared 50/50 with my ex. He is my absolute world and the best thing to come out of that marriage

Recently, my husband and I decided I should formally adopt his three kids. We asked them first, and they were really happy about it. But when we told my son, he said absolutely not. He told me he only wants to be my son. It turns out he has overheard me over the years venting to my husband and friends about how terrible my first marriage was and how glad I am to be out of it. He has somehow internalized this to mean that I regret having him, that I resent him, and that I'm adopting my stepkids to build a "new family" to replace him.

That couldn't be further from the truth. I love him to pieces, but he has completely misconstrued what he heard. Now he’s given me a strict ultimatum if I adopt them, he will move out to live with his dad full-time and cut all contact with me.

It’s been 3 weeks of total cold shoulder. He refused to come on our family trip, and he’s freezing out his stepdad and step siblings. His 15th birthday was on the 21st normally we do a nice family dinner, but he said his dad was hosting and told me to come alone without my husband or stepkids. I got angry and snapped at him, asking why he was punishing me over adopting his siblings. Later I agreed to go alone, but he told me not to come at all because I lost my temper. So I didn't go. He hasn't spoken a single word to me since.

I feel completely sick to my stomach. I love my stepkids and want to formalize the family bond we've had for 6 years, but I am terrified of losing my son over this

How do I fix this with my son and make him understand how much I love him without hurting my stepkids

He's allowed to express his thoughts and feelings without prejudice and be heard
But he's not being heard. That's the problem.
He's allowed to go, too.

Telling your mother that you feel sidelined and unloved and you would rather go and live with your other parent than continue to feel unloved is not emotional blackmail. It's an attempt to take control in a situation in which he has very little.

It's up to OP to discuss (not tell) her son why she wants to adopt and why she thinks it's preferable to the status quo (if purely legal, then explain it to him).
It's also up to OP to take her son's viewpoint into consideration, which was something she hadn't even bothered to do.

Only women who put men and themselves first do this.

This reads to me as the actions and ego of narcissism.

All about the new mans children, playing mother.
Taking it upon herself to prioritise his children when their mother died, ahead of her own son?
Who does that?
Dissing her ex and ex marriage openly.

Asking them would the like to be adopted, TELLING her son its happening.

Unbelievable.

@saraclara I agree, one of the worst threads I have ever read on here, and that's something.

I hope SS do get to hear his story🙄.
Unbelievable.

I sincerely hope his father can put him first and that therapy can help him with the awful damage of these last years.

He is still a child and therefore he doesn't get the final say on life decisions that affect everyone in the family.
He needs to sit down and discuss his thoughts and feelings with both his parents not place threats on people to make sure he gets his own way!

He does get the final say on the relationship he has with his mother though.

Seems to me his bio dad could be the shit-stirrer behind all this.

My point is not via blackmail he doesn't!

Fair point - but this thread does, IMO, reveal how very little empathy and understanding some adults deploy in the case of blended families and what it means for troubled / sensitive / vulnerable children and teens.

So many posters dismissing the feelings of the boy - whether real or not.

Is it black mail though?

Or is it simply I don’t accept or agree with your choice. If you choose to continue on with that decision then I’ll have to remove myself from the situation permanently.

Have you had any sort of conversation with him about this before springing it on him? Sounds like you asked your stepchildren but didn’t consult him in any way so of course he’s upset. I can understand his feelings as a 15 year old, we’ve all been 15 and I came from a very broken home so get it. I think you should respect his feelings and put him first. You don’t need to adopt your stepchildren, it’s just completely unnecessary.

So for 9 years your DS had you to himself for 50% of the time.
Then suddenly he was thrust into a blended family for that 50%, and his home with you had to be shared with a new adult and three other children roughly his age, all living with him in his space.
That is having to share the 50% of his time that he gets with you with 4 extra people.
Two of you and four of them as he is bound to see it.

For six years, he’s put up with that, internalising the hurt but not complaining.

But now you want to go a step further and adopt the 3 children. Not only do you want to do that but you have told the 3 children and sort of celebrated their pleasure at the idea, before even mentioning it to your own boy.
Tgeir pleasure was more important to you than his distress.
How sad that must make him feel.

Your priority is to your son OP.
Realise how rotten a rejection this feels to him and reach out to him with
understanding instead of losing your temper at him.

Depending on the circumstances, I would certainly seriously consider dropping the idea of adopting your step children as you have given no indication that it’s necessary.

Well he's had his say now so what you do next is up to you Op, but you will have to live with the consequences. If your DS moves to his Dad's house and refuses to see you then it won't be a big surprise to anyone but you.

We’ve obviously only got your view on this but a few things that stood out:

how this relationship started. You basically had an affair with him no matter how you dress it up. Your marriage might’ve been dead but your actions were immoral. Does your son know this?

You have bad mouthed your relationship with his father. You need to be more careful where you have conversations and who can hear.

your step children are now with you 100%. He is now the outlier only spending 50% there.

you said that you spent a lot of time with the step children and your focus ‘naturally shifted’. This was wrong imo. This was your husbands job to do. Your role was to support your son to get through the huge adjustment to living with 3 dc full time who are understandably grieving.

You asked the step children about adopti on first. Why? Surely you consult with your dh, then your own son first. He probably felt sidelined again.

why were you angry that he just wanted you at his birthday party? You said his ‘siblings’ weren’t invited, but they aren’t his siblings, at least he does not see it that way. You need to respect that.

all in all I don’t blame him for feeling like he does.

It's not blackmail to say "I don't feel loved in this household, and if this doesn't change, I am going to go and live somewhere where I do feel loved and considered".

Switch out emotional needs for phsyical ones.
"I'm not being properly fed in this household and if this doesn't change, I'm going to go and live somewhere where I get proper meals".

Is it really blackmail to express that your needs are not being met, and you will go somewhere else where they are met if that doesn't change?

He does though. I think blackmail from a 15yo who's mother has decided to dilute everything he gets from her is a bit much, but even if that's what it is, he still gets to say if they have a relationship.

I've changed my mind since my first post on this thread.

If I'm honest, I was a bit on the fence about the adoption idea anyway but thought there might be some legal advantages. After others have set out the other options which do not require adoption at all I now think it is a bad idea and you should drop it completely. It isn't necessary and these children will soon reach the age of majority anyway, making it pointless.

Also, social services would very likely interview your son about his feelings on the matter and that cannot end well whatever he ends up saying to them.

You can explain to your stepchildren that you have investigated the idea further, but that it would legally erase their mother. Say that you don't feel that that is the right thing to do so you will now be looking into the other options.

I think dropping the idea of adoption is just possibly the only thing that might (might) allow you to rekindle something of a relationship with your son.

You asked then but told him. That’s the whole dynamic summed up isn’t it. Poor boy.

I’m glad he’s got his dad putting him first.

Blackmail isnt

a I’m unhappy and want to leave.

a if you cheat on me I’ll divorce you.

I’ve been offered more money boss so I’m leaving.

The son isn’t blackmailing. He is simply leaving due to not being happy.

'Desperately' needs advice but 10 pages later still no OP response from the thread she started🙄

But it's ok for OP to lose her temper when he says he only wants his parents at his birthday dinner and refuse to go?

I hope this is a windup. This poor lad isn't his mum's top priority and may not have been for a long time. Perhaps he's kept his feelings about his step siblings and step father to himself for a long time or perhaps she didn't want to hear it. Or perhaps it was okish until now (I'm guessing not though).

You can say all sorts of things like "he is my world" and "I love him to pieces" but if your actions point to him being less important than others it's meaningless. He's hitting out in the only way he knows how and even if the adoption is dropped this may permanently damage the relationship.

As others have said, he should have been the first one that the idea was floated with in an "I'm thinking about doing this and wondered how you feel" way not "I am doing this and I have already told everyone except you" and it should have been made clear that if he wasn't on board it wouldn't happen (it sounds as if it can't anyway without his agreement).

Him overhearing his mum being negative about his dad wasn't ideal either.

It does sound as though the adoption is pointless anyway - their legal and financial security could be achieved in other ways and they are nearly adults.

I hope this lad has a good relationship with his dad and that his dad is happy to have him if he decides he does want to live there all the time. Because if he's rejected by him too he's going to feel even worse.

He’s a hurt teenager and doubts his mums love. You are way off beam here.

This feels like someone trying the plot of a novel they want to write.

Adoption is in no way the most logical solution to the situation you presumably want to avoid: the step children having to leave the family home in the event of your DHs death. That can be solved in his will. There would have to be very extreme circumstances for a judge to recommend teenage children leave their home for 6 years, against their wishes, and the wishes of the deceased father. It's also an incredibly expensive solution for a problem that presumably will only be a remote possiblity for a few years; I could perhaps understand if the children were 2 but they are all teenagers.

It's absolutely madness even before you consider your son's feelings in this.

Your poor DS. Have you considered his feelings in any of this, or just ploughed ahead because it's what your new family want?

I haven’t read the full so apologies if already covered.

For the three children, you could apply for parental responsibility order as their step parent. It would mean you would gain same legal status as their dad - say, in deciding urgently medical care. Wouldn’t make much day to day difference but might be a gesture towards the children of your ongoing commitment and defuse some of the friction with your son.