@pirdgz
I'm 1000% with your son. You really shouldn't entertain the idea of adopting your stepkids whatsoever.
A bit of background I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years (we’re both mid-40s). We were best friends back in high school and have a long history together. My first marriage lasted 7 yearsit wasn’t high drama, but we completely lost interest in each other, put in zero effort, and eventually divorced.
So your son has never experienced what it's like to have happy nuclear family. Is it then so weird that he's struggling with seeing you play happy family with another family he has zero relation to and didn't choose?
My husband was already divorced long before my own marriage ended (I had nothing to do with his divorce!). Toward the end of my marriage, I had an emotional affair with him.
But your current husband had much to do with YOUR divorce! So not only did your son not have happy parents and a happy family life, but his mother cheated on his father with the man she's now playing House with. He's probably asking himself why you can be loving, a proper wife and mother, and committed to this man and his kids, but you couldn't even care enough about him and his father to stay faithful.
My first marriage was already dead in the water and my ex wasn't putting in any effort
So you get a divorce and THEN start dating other people. You don't cheat.
Six years ago, his ex wife sadly passed away from an illness. Up until then, they shared 50/50 custody of his three kids (two girls and a boy, all around 15 now, same age as my son). When she died, they came to live with us full-time. They needed extra care and support, so my attention naturally shifted to helping them through it. Over the last 6 years, we’ve built an incredibly close bond they call me Mum, and I take care of them as my own.
I also have a 15 yearold son from my first marriage, shared 50/50 with my ex.
From your son's perspective, you are a mum to another man's children 100% of the time, but only 50% of the time to him. On top of that, your attention has been more on your step children than your own son due to them losing their mother. So on many fronts, your son has most likely noticed that he's not been your priority in any way.
He is my absolute world and the best thing to come out of that marriage
No, he's not, and you have shown him with your actions that he's not your "absolute world". He's the last person on your priority list.
Recently, my husband and I decided I should formally adopt his three kids. We asked them first, and they were really happy about it. But when we told my son, he said absolutely not.
This is an example of how your son isn't "your absolute world" but in fact comes last in your world. He was the last person to be told and consulted about this adoption idea. He should have been consulted as the very first - before you shared the idea with your husband's children. But because you don't give a shit about what your thinks, feels or wants, you asked him last. You didn't really intend to ask for his blessing, you were essentially just letting him know that the adoption has been decided - and only amongst yourself, your husband and HIS children. He was an after thought.
He told me he only wants to be my son. It turns out he has overheard me over the years venting to my husband and friends about how terrible my first marriage was and how glad I am to be out of it. He has somehow internalized this to mean that I regret having him, that I resent him, and that I'm adopting my stepkids to build a "new family" to replace him.
There you go. Even post divorce you can't treat his father, his family, with an ounce of respect. You cheated on his father and have the audacity to still, to this day, talk shit about his father in earshot of your son. Of course your son is going to be upset and take it personally. He already didn't get to experience what a nucelar family is like because neither you or your ex-husband could be bothered to make an effort with each other for the sake of your son, now he also has to listen to you talk badly of the little experience he did have of nuclear family life.
That couldn't be further from the truth.
It doesn't matter if it is or not - your son is TELLING you how your behaviour and words come across to HIM. Bloody listen to him! It's not about YOU, it's about HIM! If he feels like you regret having him, it's your job to change your behaviour and words to convince him otherwise. Instead, you reject responsibility and place it on to him. The problem, in your head, is HIS interpretation of the negative things you say about his father, not that you shit talk about his father and make him feel unwanted.
I love him to pieces, but he has completely misconstrued what he heard.
This is irrelevant. And you're looking at this too simplistically. His interpretation of what you've said isn't based on just the actual words you spoke in the moment, but years and years and years of feeling like he doesn't have a nuclear family, feeling like his foundation is unstable, that he's not been prioritised, and that he's seen his mother be a mother 100% of the time to other children but is only a mum 50% of the time to HIM. Based on all of this, your shit talk was interpreted as him being unwanted.
Now he’s given me a strict ultimatum if I adopt them, he will move out to live with his dad full-time and cut all contact with me.
This is the drop for him, he's had enough of your neglect. This is his test to see if you'll FINALLY prioritise him over your husband and his kids. Will you?
It’s been 3 weeks of total cold shoulder. He refused to come on our family trip, and he’s freezing out his stepdad and step siblings. His 15th birthday was on the 21st normally we do a nice family dinner, but he said his dad was hosting and told me to come alone without my husband or stepkids. I got angry and snapped at him
Nevermind, you basically answered my question here. You won't prioritise your son. Ever.
...asking why he was punishing me over adopting his siblings.
You're so incredibly selfish and self-absorbed, it's unbelievable. You completely lack the ability to feel ANY empathy and understanding for your own child, even in moments when he's directly asking you to put him first for once, because he doesn't feel like you ever do - and your reaction to this is to get angry and try to force him to give you what YOU want: permission to adopt. I can't believe you're more annoyed and angry about him not giving you the thumbs up to adopt than you're upset and angry with yourself for being such a heartless mother to your own son. You need to straighten your head, seriously.
Later I agreed to go alone, but he told me not to come at all because I lost my temper.
I don't blame him. Even his birthday, the one day that should be about HIM, you had to ruin for him by imposing your pretend-family on him. He didn't want it, but you got angry and insisted that he must share the limelight with them. You made the one day where HE should be the center of attention all about the family you make the center of your attention every single day. You truly are a clueless mother.
So I didn't go. He hasn't spoken a single word to me since.
He sounds like a good kid who knows his worth and knows when it's time to set boundaries. Hopefully he'll do well in this world when he encounters assholes, because he's been used to dealing with you for his entire young life.
I feel completely sick to my stomach.
You should. You should feel even worse than just "sick to your stomach". You've been an awful mother to your son.
I love my stepkids and want to formalize the family bond we've had for 6 years, but I am terrified of losing my son over this
Yeah, we know you do - you love them more than your own child, evidently.
You have a son from another man to consider in your life choices, you don't get to do everything according to your own wants and needs. You gave up that right when you had your son. He comes before you, and he should for sure come before your current husband and his kids. No ifs or buts about it.
How do I fix this with my son and make him understand how much I love him without hurting my stepkids
Too late for that. Somebody is absolutely going to get hurt - question is, will it be your son (yet again) or your step kids?
Your big mistake was to plant the adoption idea into your step children's head before you bothered asking your son how he feels about it. Now you have a bunch of kids who're excited about the prospect of getting a new "mum" and a child who's distraught about, yet again, being cast aside. Unfortunately, the only thing that will fix the relationship with your son is to put him first for once. Completely forget the adoption idea - like, entirely. I'm sorry your step kids will be hurt, but they'll get over it. You're not adopting them for their sake anyway. You're doing it for yourself, to delude yourself into believing you have a "formal family" you can show off to the world. I guess that's an attractive image to have in your head when the first version of family life didn't work out for you - you're trying too hard to make the beta version better.