My 15 year old Son refuses to let me adopt my stepkids

[pirdgz]

I am posting here because I am at my absolute wit’s end and desperately need some advice

A bit of background I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years (we’re both mid-40s). We were best friends back in high school and have a long history together. My first marriage lasted 7 yearsit wasn’t high drama, but we completely lost interest in each other, put in zero effort, and eventually divorced. My husband was already divorced long before my own marriage ended (I had nothing to do with his divorce!). Toward the end of my marriage, I had an emotional affair with him. My first marriage was already dead in the water and my ex wasn't putting in any effort, so we eventually divorced, I started dating my now husband, and we got married

Six years ago, his ex wife sadly passed away from an illness. Up until then, they shared 50/50 custody of his three kids (two girls and a boy, all around 15 now, same age as my son). When she died, they came to live with us full-time. They needed extra care and support, so my attention naturally shifted to helping them through it. Over the last 6 years, we’ve built an incredibly close bond they call me Mum, and I take care of them as my own.

I also have a 15 yearold son from my first marriage, shared 50/50 with my ex. He is my absolute world and the best thing to come out of that marriage

Recently, my husband and I decided I should formally adopt his three kids. We asked them first, and they were really happy about it. But when we told my son, he said absolutely not. He told me he only wants to be my son. It turns out he has overheard me over the years venting to my husband and friends about how terrible my first marriage was and how glad I am to be out of it. He has somehow internalized this to mean that I regret having him, that I resent him, and that I'm adopting my stepkids to build a "new family" to replace him.

That couldn't be further from the truth. I love him to pieces, but he has completely misconstrued what he heard. Now he’s given me a strict ultimatum if I adopt them, he will move out to live with his dad full-time and cut all contact with me.

It’s been 3 weeks of total cold shoulder. He refused to come on our family trip, and he’s freezing out his stepdad and step siblings. His 15th birthday was on the 21st normally we do a nice family dinner, but he said his dad was hosting and told me to come alone without my husband or stepkids. I got angry and snapped at him, asking why he was punishing me over adopting his siblings. Later I agreed to go alone, but he told me not to come at all because I lost my temper. So I didn't go. He hasn't spoken a single word to me since.

I feel completely sick to my stomach. I love my stepkids and want to formalize the family bond we've had for 6 years, but I am terrified of losing my son over this

How do I fix this with my son and make him understand how much I love him without hurting my stepkids

... without the OP in it.

Her inability to communicate and lack of discussion with her son is why she is in this situation. She bitched to all and sundry about her marriage to his Dad and he overheard her.
She discussed adoption with her current husband and his children but TOLD her son last it was happening. This is what she said. You should at least read her own words. They are very clear.
Her son should come first but clearly he feels like an appendage to her new family unit. He is not making the decision for her, she had already decided the composition of her new family following discussion with them but not him.

Are you really that desparate to absolve the OP from her responsibility in this and move it to the father?

Sorry OP, but I do think you need to cancel the idea of adopting your husband's children. Can I ask why you actually feel the need to do this, as if they're all around age 15, it's surely a bit late in the day to be bothering with this, and if it's going to ruin your relationship with your DS, then I think it would be a huge mistake, after all HE is the only one who is your own flesh and blood, so while you may have grown to love the others, they should never be more important than your own child.

I think you need to sit down with your DS, and tell him that you hadn't realised how he felt, you've now given it a lot of thought, and realise adopting the other youngsters would be a mistake, and TOTALLY unfair on him, your own flesh and blood child. Maybe you could tell him that you were only going to do it, in order to protect them if anything happened to their Dad, but you've now found out that you don't need to do that, as your DH is going to write in his Will that should anything happen to him, his children should remain in your care. Reassure him how much you love him, and suggest that it may be a good idea for him to have some counselling to deal with the feelings that he's been internalising. I'm afraid you are really going to have to work very hard with your son, to prove to him that he is your ABSOLUTE NUMBER ONE!

Another story of blended family bliss 🤦‍♀️