My 15 year old Son refuses to let me adopt my stepkids

[pirdgz]

I am posting here because I am at my absolute wit’s end and desperately need some advice

A bit of background I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years (we’re both mid-40s). We were best friends back in high school and have a long history together. My first marriage lasted 7 yearsit wasn’t high drama, but we completely lost interest in each other, put in zero effort, and eventually divorced. My husband was already divorced long before my own marriage ended (I had nothing to do with his divorce!). Toward the end of my marriage, I had an emotional affair with him. My first marriage was already dead in the water and my ex wasn't putting in any effort, so we eventually divorced, I started dating my now husband, and we got married

Six years ago, his ex wife sadly passed away from an illness. Up until then, they shared 50/50 custody of his three kids (two girls and a boy, all around 15 now, same age as my son). When she died, they came to live with us full-time. They needed extra care and support, so my attention naturally shifted to helping them through it. Over the last 6 years, we’ve built an incredibly close bond they call me Mum, and I take care of them as my own.

I also have a 15 yearold son from my first marriage, shared 50/50 with my ex. He is my absolute world and the best thing to come out of that marriage

Recently, my husband and I decided I should formally adopt his three kids. We asked them first, and they were really happy about it. But when we told my son, he said absolutely not. He told me he only wants to be my son. It turns out he has overheard me over the years venting to my husband and friends about how terrible my first marriage was and how glad I am to be out of it. He has somehow internalized this to mean that I regret having him, that I resent him, and that I'm adopting my stepkids to build a "new family" to replace him.

That couldn't be further from the truth. I love him to pieces, but he has completely misconstrued what he heard. Now he’s given me a strict ultimatum if I adopt them, he will move out to live with his dad full-time and cut all contact with me.

It’s been 3 weeks of total cold shoulder. He refused to come on our family trip, and he’s freezing out his stepdad and step siblings. His 15th birthday was on the 21st normally we do a nice family dinner, but he said his dad was hosting and told me to come alone without my husband or stepkids. I got angry and snapped at him, asking why he was punishing me over adopting his siblings. Later I agreed to go alone, but he told me not to come at all because I lost my temper. So I didn't go. He hasn't spoken a single word to me since.

I feel completely sick to my stomach. I love my stepkids and want to formalize the family bond we've had for 6 years, but I am terrified of losing my son over this

How do I fix this with my son and make him understand how much I love him without hurting my stepkids

It almost sounds like your new husband and kids are the family you always wanted and your son is a blip in this . Thats probably not how you actually feel but from an outside perspective that is exactly what is being portrayed to your son

Your step kids don't need adopting - they have a mum who loved them very much and will always be their mum no matter what paperwork you sign. They're very lucky to have a doting stepmother who loves them too and who has built such a safe family environment for them with their dad.

Your son needs his mother. He doesn't feel like he has a mum at all in all this. He needs to be your absolute priority and you need to protect him from his fears, unfounded as they may be. You should tell him that he's mistaken but that he's your whole world and you would never want to hurt him, so you won't adopt your stepchildren if it will make him sad. And then you need to really focus your energy on rebuilding your relationship with him. It sounds like he's been pushed to one side while you dealt with your stepchildren's grief but you had a duty to him first and foremost not to make him feel pushed out and you need to fulfil that duty before you lose him forever.

Exactly. Plus it can taken up to 12 months to fully formalise by which point the stepchildren are 16-17 and almost legall adults. Pointless really.

As for the poster that mentions the stepchildren getting no inheritance if dad dies well clearly that won't happen seeing how much OP loves the stepchildren. She's see them ok financially.

On the other hand if OP were to die DS will be shipped of to his dad full time and he will more than likely see no inheritance from OP as DH has no real bond or desire to adopt OP DS in return. DH will keep OP assets for the stepchildren and DS will get hee haw.

They live with you full time and he doesn’t. They call you mum and you refer to them as his siblings, when speaking to him. Neither of which are the case. Add to that that he seems to have been the last to hear about this.

I can see why he is upset.

I wouldn’t proceed with the adoption myself. It’s not necessary and will only do more harm than good.

I'm another one who thinks you need to leave the idea of adopting your SC and focus on building a positive relationship with your son as it sounds like he has been feeling sidelined by everything with your SC. Obviously losing their mum is terrible and it's lovely that you have been there for them and been able to form a lovely bond with them but your sons needs should come first and possibly over the 6 years of the SC living with you full time you have prioritized them to a point where he feels overlooked and resentful of his step siblings as a result.

Another point would be why the need to adopt them when they already have a mother? You can still be their 'mum' and be incredibly close to them but their mum was their mum and adopting them surely erases this to a point? Is your DH close with your son? Does your son get on well with his step siblings? Was he happy with the arrangement of living with another man and other children 50% of his time at the beginning?

Exactly.

There's hardly an abundance of foster care options out there and children who have responsible adults in their lives who are willing to take them on will always be placed there before being sent into care.

Why do you want to adopt them I think
its dispectful to their poor mum who passed away even calling you mom is abit tbh I would imagine her family would be devasted. You can still be a mother figure and step mom without replacing their mom. I can see why your son is upset and he should be your priority. 6 years is nothing, how long along did this poor woman pass away?

On the point of inheritance, this is exactky what wills are for and are increasingly important these days with families breaking down and reforming in different shapes.

I agree with your son. I’m on his side.

Don’t adopt them. It’s not like they are toddlers they are nearly adult anyway. You can show them love and support any way you like but it doesn’t need to be via a formal adoption.

You are presenting the adoption without taking into account your son's thoughts or feelings. 15 is a time when boys seek to identify more with the make parent so there is a genuine risk you could lose contact.

I would say 6 years isn't an m excessive amount of time and to go through adoption. Especially in your own child teen years. Let him grow up feeling more secure as the risks at this age are very high

This is unlikely to be a knee jerk reaction from him upon hearing you want to adopt them, he's probably been feeling like an outsider in his own family long before this - which you need to resolve before you adopt.

How old are the stepkids?

I agree with this. I've told my husband the only circumstances in which I'd want my kids adopted if I died is if it was 100% their choice and they said they needed it to feel safe and loved. The thought of it still breaks my heart but if it made them feel better without me then fair enough.

They are not his siblings, they are your new husbands children. Random kids he’s known for 6 years. Very sad to lose their mum but it’s their dad’s job to help them through it. Prioritise your own child, you’ve already been careless with him hearing your negative opinions on his dad. Whatever the situation it’s not his fault and you expressing yourself to people who will indulge you and take your side isn’t as important as putting him first and shielding him from the fallout of your previous relationship.

Surely the first thing to address here is the fact you didn’t celebrate his birthday. You have to make that up to him. Just you! Not the extra family, you. Take him out for the day. Just you and him. Let him choose the activities, the restaurant etc. Make him feel like a priority.

How old are your step kids?

All of this. Poor kid.

I’m an adoptive parent and you absolutely need to look into what the adoption process involves, because you will have to go through it even though they are your step children and living with you. One thing I can tell you is that the social workers will DEFINITELY want to talk to your son and they will take your son’s views into account before deciding on whether they are happy for any adoption stages to proceed.

This, as well. I wonder if they are really as happy about it as they said they were.

So, to summarise.
You had an affair whilst still married to your ex, when your DS was around 4 years old.
You left your ex and ended up marrying your current DH
Your DS lives 50/50 between you and his DH
Your DH has 3 children (DSC) all similar in age to your DS who would have been toddlers when their parents split up. Their DM died when they were around 8 or 9 and they have lived with your full time since.
For some strange reason they now call you ‘mum’ (what did they call you before?)
You want to adopt these DSC, and have asked them but you told your own DS.
He is very against this.
You are cross that he’s dead against this but you love him to bits.
From his perspective, you now have 3 more children that call you mum even though you’re not their mum, they live with you FT and he doesn’t, your marriage ended with you having an affair (seven though it may have been on the ropes before this).
No wonder he’s dead against this being imposed on him! You need to explain your reasons for wanting to adopt your stepchildren, but also tell him that you’re sorry you d(don’t realise how much it would hurt him, so this isn’t now going to happen. You also need to explain to the DSC why the adoption is not possible.

He's not "your world", is he. I massively empathise with him, as an only child. I'd be moving out too.

Absolutely, and OP, they are not his siblings, much as you may want him to feel that they are. It sounds as though you have been focusing on them (understandably due to their sad loss), during very important years for your son, not hard to see why he is so upset.

Do they realise that you adopting them cuts all legal links to their mothers family?

I think thats a very odd thing to do.

It also means they are entitled to inherit from you exactly the same as your son.

In decades time how can you be sure you'd want legal ties to your husbands children.

I dont think YABU for wanting to adopt them formally and there might be some sound legal reasons for doing so. Your son perhaps doesnt understand that and he also cant see that on a day to day basis it wont be any different because he is thinking emotionally. The fact he has kept up his resentment and the silent treatment indicates the depth of his feelings. Equally, he is 15 and shouldnt be able to dictate what you can and cant do and it is not nice that he is treating his step siblings and step dad in this way. Perhaps a visit to a solicitor might be in order to explore alternatives or to put legal things in place to achieve what a formal adoption would do. Im thinking inheritance, parental responsibility, if anything happens to your husband etc...you could then use that information to explain to your son why you want to adopt them or have decided it isnt necessary. Bottom line is you need all the facts before deciding what YOU and your husband are going to do. You cant be held hostage like this by your son.

So a bunch of strangers joined your family and you focussed the bulk of your attention on them away from your own child and now you are shocked a 15 year old isn’t buying into the one big happy family myth.

You have badly let down your son and your are very close to causing an irreparable breach. Park the adoption idea, blame legal complexities and repair the relationship with your son whilst you still can.

I think OP has been living on her version of Walton's Mountain in her mind and the adoption issue (horribly, horribly mishandled) has brought to a head the fact her DS has a very different perspective.

If she and her husband haven't already put some sort of safeguards in place about inheritance and most importantly the future of the stepchildren if he died (they've had 6 years), they have been most remiss.