My 15 year old Son refuses to let me adopt my stepkids

[pirdgz]

I am posting here because I am at my absolute wit’s end and desperately need some advice

A bit of background I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years (we’re both mid-40s). We were best friends back in high school and have a long history together. My first marriage lasted 7 yearsit wasn’t high drama, but we completely lost interest in each other, put in zero effort, and eventually divorced. My husband was already divorced long before my own marriage ended (I had nothing to do with his divorce!). Toward the end of my marriage, I had an emotional affair with him. My first marriage was already dead in the water and my ex wasn't putting in any effort, so we eventually divorced, I started dating my now husband, and we got married

Six years ago, his ex wife sadly passed away from an illness. Up until then, they shared 50/50 custody of his three kids (two girls and a boy, all around 15 now, same age as my son). When she died, they came to live with us full-time. They needed extra care and support, so my attention naturally shifted to helping them through it. Over the last 6 years, we’ve built an incredibly close bond they call me Mum, and I take care of them as my own.

I also have a 15 yearold son from my first marriage, shared 50/50 with my ex. He is my absolute world and the best thing to come out of that marriage

Recently, my husband and I decided I should formally adopt his three kids. We asked them first, and they were really happy about it. But when we told my son, he said absolutely not. He told me he only wants to be my son. It turns out he has overheard me over the years venting to my husband and friends about how terrible my first marriage was and how glad I am to be out of it. He has somehow internalized this to mean that I regret having him, that I resent him, and that I'm adopting my stepkids to build a "new family" to replace him.

That couldn't be further from the truth. I love him to pieces, but he has completely misconstrued what he heard. Now he’s given me a strict ultimatum if I adopt them, he will move out to live with his dad full-time and cut all contact with me.

It’s been 3 weeks of total cold shoulder. He refused to come on our family trip, and he’s freezing out his stepdad and step siblings. His 15th birthday was on the 21st normally we do a nice family dinner, but he said his dad was hosting and told me to come alone without my husband or stepkids. I got angry and snapped at him, asking why he was punishing me over adopting his siblings. Later I agreed to go alone, but he told me not to come at all because I lost my temper. So I didn't go. He hasn't spoken a single word to me since.

I feel completely sick to my stomach. I love my stepkids and want to formalize the family bond we've had for 6 years, but I am terrified of losing my son over this

How do I fix this with my son and make him understand how much I love him without hurting my stepkids

I hope so to but one of DD2 friends at much younger age had parents who took in then adopted deceased family members kids. Saw her taken aside time and again - a very young primary age kids - and told she had to make allowanced and put these new kids first as they'd lost their parents and she wasn't allowed to be anything but happy.

Saw her waiting still young after swimming lessons quite late for a parent to show up - and a group day out where DD2 and another girl shared their lunch with her as her sister also there lunch had been picked up but her's had been forgotten.

The girls quite resilient character and is now a teen doing okay parents divorse and she has no relationship with dad and I think it was worse when she was young and perhaps they were dealing with grief and adoption processes. From the outside it looked like she was completely sideline in her own family and it looked heart breaking.

I'd stop and try and focus on realtionship with DS for a bit then slowly build up the idea again if really needed - but that may need outside support.

His 15th birthday was on the 21st normally we do a nice family dinner, but he said his dad was hosting and told me to come alone without my husband or stepkids. I got angry and snapped at him...

So... you for you a nice family dinner is your new husband and stepkids. He wanted his father and you... and you snapped at him because...
Does he consider your new husband and his kids his own family?

I'd tell him you'll never stop being his mother. He is always a part of your family and very much wanted in your home. But that doesn't mean he's more important than your step children. You will be adopting them, it's not his choice to make, just like it wouldn't be his choice if you had another baby.

If he feels he needs to move out because of this then you respect his decision. But you absolutely will always love him and he is more than welcome to change his mind for any reason and there will be no hard feelings.

Yes he's a little man with big feelings. And you need to support that and let him know he is valued. But it is very important for him to not grow up thinking he is MORE important than anyone else and that by threatening to leave, sulking, silent treatment, he can make women do what he wants them to.

"How do I fix this with my son and make him understand how much I love him without hurting my stepkids."

What @saraclara said above. Your emphasis is totally wrong. You won't be able to 'make him understand' - you need to SHOW him how much you love him, which is by listening to his concerns and the hurt he has accumulated over the years. I am also astonished that you didn't socialise this idea with your son first. You should have edited yourself with respect to discussing your first marriage around your son too. Obviously, that would have an impact on his self-worth.

So very many things here you need to reflect on before you even consider proceeding with this idea.

I really hope you take the advice another poster mentioned above and get some family therapy with your son to process everything.

There is no reason whatsoever for haste here.

Family therapy. STAT.

Your example involves a very young child

anyway…. This is from a bored Op not
a parent, not in a relationship,
just bored

You need to speak to your son @pirdgz

alone, spend time with him so that he can talk properly to you and you to him.

leave the adoption for now. Perhaps if your SDC are still quite young and therefore vulnerable if anything happens to their dad, you could look into a formal care agreement, an expression of wishes etc from your DH.

my relationship with my DS dad was awful. It’s no secret that I hated my time with him.

my son however absolutely knows that he’s my absolute everything. He’s 20 now, but at 15 he did go through a really rough patch with us, he wanted more freedom than he was old enough for, more than I was comfortable giving him, and we clashed on occasions.

we Had a long conversation where he was honest and I was honest. I had to loosen the grip a bit and he had to live up to that trust.

we never looked back. He’s the same wonderful person he was before 15. He also started boxing/gym and going to college and getting out of the frankly daft and immature mindset of the secondary school really helped.

make time for him and show him he’s still your world. He’ll come through this.

you admitted that your focus was on his step siblings, now is the time to shift that focus back. They’re stable, they have their home, their dad and wider family.

this is a critical age for your son. It’s an emergency situation as far as the relationship is concerned. Drop everything for him and show him he’s still loved

Prioritisation is an odd thing. We all need to be top of the list sometimes. Sometimes it’s you, (very important actually) sometimes it’s your H, or the step dc. Right now it’s him.

this is not to say to “let him call the shots” this is to show him you hear him, you see him, he matters. Then rebalance

You really should have spoken to him first.
It sounds as if you have not understood much about what he has been thinking and feeling for the last 6 years.
You need to prioritise him now or you risk damaging the relationship permanently

Yes I said that and now teen has turned out okay to outside eyes.

However it does happen in RL - that was my point.

People do so stuff like this and do not see it.

What kind of mental logic are you on? He is her son and you're suggesting that the stepkids take priority?

This goes far beyond failing to have asked your son about the adoption first....its evidently a deep rooted and ongoing feeling he has that you have prioritised the stepchildren - which you yourself acknowledge in part by your revealing comments about how much time and attention they need. As lovely as your efforts and intentions have been towards the stepchildren, you have really failed your own son here. If he is feeling unloved, unwanted and at the back of the queue for your time, attention, love and esteem, then you have really got mothering very, very wrong. I know this is harsh, but you need a big big wake up call. I think you need to put the stepchildten and their emotional needs on the backburner for now and focus fully on your son - he is at such a vulnerable age.

He is already sharing his mother and has done for many years while only staying with her 50% of the time. My DS would be devastated in this situation, it wouldn’t have got this far without him kicking off big time, my DS would protest to them ever visiting never mind living there. I think your DS has already been extremely accommodating to his step siblings. He sounds like a very patient young man.

Given their ages, I can’t understand why you want to adopt them now? What’s the point?

You are not going to be able to fix it with your son if you adopt your step children while he is against the idea of you taking on legal parental responsibility .

I don't know if you brought any assets from your first marriage into the second one and have co mingled them, but even though he is only 15,c he might be worried about his future, if that thought has been put into his mind by his father.

You haven't made it clear why he objects other than his feelings of rejection, regret and being replaced . What makes he feel that way? Is he going to get less help with college fees etc as a result? . Get some legal advice about your options to help address those reasons ( i.e show him how he is not being replaced and and how the impact of the adoption of 3 other children can be managed so doesn't impact him significantly in the future ) then discuss with your son when you have clear rational strategy to explain to him.. .

Adopting them will not change how you feel about your step kids, but will change how your son feels about you. You should have asked him how he felt before telling the other children.

Imagine being dead for only six years and your kids are already calling someone else mum. This is bizarre to me.

I’m confused by the timeline, you were with your son’s dad for seven years, you’ve been married to your current husband for 10 years yet your son is 15.
How old was your son when you split with his dad, did he have you on your own for a while or did he have to go straight from living with a mum and dad to suddenly living with you a step dad and 3 other children?
I know you want this to be a happy family your son doesn’t.

It sounds like you’ve been putting energy into your new step kids whilst forgetting about your son. Why do you need to adopt them? It’s unnecessary.

Quietly put the adoption idea on the back burner for now while you make efforts to shore up and repair your relationship with your son.

You should really have included him in the discussion about adoption before virtually promising it to your stepchildren. The fact that you didn't will be confirming to him that they are replacing him in your life and he is being sidelined. Hindsight is a wonderful thing of course but you do need to make some amends here.

Why on earth did you snap and lose your temper when he first asked you to attend the birthday do his father was hosting on your own? I really don't see the issue with that and it was a foot in mouth moment from you which will have gone further towards reinforcing the feeling of him being sidelined by you. You couldn't then walk it back when you later changed your mind because the damage was already done.

You need a calm conversation with him now and need to make time for just the two of you to go out and do things together - go for lunch, a coffee, for walks and a good chat. Explain why he has misinterpreted what he heard you say about your first husband and has the wrong end of the stick.

I do see some advantages to the proposed adoption as others have said, and it would provide more security for them, but there might be other ways to achieve most of that (guardianship, wills?) that are worth looking into and possibly wouldn't alienate your son as much. Especially if you take the time to explain to him why they are needed and that they don't replace him in your life - his place is secure.

For me, if I had to choose between the adoption or a relationship with my blood children then it would be no contest, even though I can see the pluses of the adoption too.

Take your time with it. So far you have handled it pretty insensitively and you need to change that.

^^ Absolutely

Many kids in blended families politely tolerate their stepparent and step siblings for their parent’s sake and would have nothing to do with them if the relationship ended.

OP might feel as bonded to them as biological children but I suspect that the son doesn’t feel anything close to that.

If it’s about legal rights then surely that can be sorted through a will or OP obtaining parental rights so she could make decisions like medical
ones in an emergency.

Why do you want to adopt them given they're teens now? In a relatively short time they'll be adults and don't need anyone with parental responsibility for them. Was it more for the gesture?

I do think you should have spoken to him first rather than presented it as a done deal. If you adopt them they are legally his siblings as much as your children, and so I think he would have to be on board with this.

I'd pause the adoption, and acknowledge you got this wrong from his point of view and try and build bridges.

Would your ex help in speaking to him?

Totally disagree.

The son needs to know that he is more important to his own mother than the step children. Which he currently doesn't.

Sorry, but it sounds like you handled the whole thing really badly. From letting him hear you slag off his dad over the years, to not speaking to him first about the adoption plans.

He must be feeling like an extra in your new, shiny life - which you obviously feel is the life you should have always had but for your derailment for a few years with your son’s dad.

If you don’t want to lose him forever you have a metric fuck tonne of making up to do. Your DH should fully support you on this, given how much you’ve obviously poured into his kids.

It was a very big mistake to criticize his father when he could hear - presume you did that in telling everyone how bad you marriage to his DF had been. From my own childhood - my mother did this and I have never forgotten it and it has affected me always.

He's a young lad with divorced parents who thinks his mum loves her stepkids - who live with her full-time - more than him so don't bother trying to insert your "patriarchy" shit here. In fact you're the only one who's done that in the whole thread so shame on you.