My 15 year old Son refuses to let me adopt my stepkids

[pirdgz]

I am posting here because I am at my absolute wit’s end and desperately need some advice

A bit of background I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years (we’re both mid-40s). We were best friends back in high school and have a long history together. My first marriage lasted 7 yearsit wasn’t high drama, but we completely lost interest in each other, put in zero effort, and eventually divorced. My husband was already divorced long before my own marriage ended (I had nothing to do with his divorce!). Toward the end of my marriage, I had an emotional affair with him. My first marriage was already dead in the water and my ex wasn't putting in any effort, so we eventually divorced, I started dating my now husband, and we got married

Six years ago, his ex wife sadly passed away from an illness. Up until then, they shared 50/50 custody of his three kids (two girls and a boy, all around 15 now, same age as my son). When she died, they came to live with us full-time. They needed extra care and support, so my attention naturally shifted to helping them through it. Over the last 6 years, we’ve built an incredibly close bond they call me Mum, and I take care of them as my own.

I also have a 15 yearold son from my first marriage, shared 50/50 with my ex. He is my absolute world and the best thing to come out of that marriage

Recently, my husband and I decided I should formally adopt his three kids. We asked them first, and they were really happy about it. But when we told my son, he said absolutely not. He told me he only wants to be my son. It turns out he has overheard me over the years venting to my husband and friends about how terrible my first marriage was and how glad I am to be out of it. He has somehow internalized this to mean that I regret having him, that I resent him, and that I'm adopting my stepkids to build a "new family" to replace him.

That couldn't be further from the truth. I love him to pieces, but he has completely misconstrued what he heard. Now he’s given me a strict ultimatum if I adopt them, he will move out to live with his dad full-time and cut all contact with me.

It’s been 3 weeks of total cold shoulder. He refused to come on our family trip, and he’s freezing out his stepdad and step siblings. His 15th birthday was on the 21st normally we do a nice family dinner, but he said his dad was hosting and told me to come alone without my husband or stepkids. I got angry and snapped at him, asking why he was punishing me over adopting his siblings. Later I agreed to go alone, but he told me not to come at all because I lost my temper. So I didn't go. He hasn't spoken a single word to me since.

I feel completely sick to my stomach. I love my stepkids and want to formalize the family bond we've had for 6 years, but I am terrified of losing my son over this

How do I fix this with my son and make him understand how much I love him without hurting my stepkids

Your poor son. You see it so much on here: people rushing into new relationships and blended families with no thought on how hard it is for the kids. An only child and then ending up with 3 step siblings, sharing their mother and having to live with them full time. Of course there would be problems down the line. However much you try to force the new family setup, his happiness has been compromised by you.

Don't do the adoption!

Is it normal for stepkids to be adopted?

Most step kids have another parent, so no, they don't get adopted by one parents partner.

But in this case the other parent is dead, so it's a different situation altogether.

Who is the parent here? You do not allow yourself to be dictated to by a 15yr old, or you're going to totally fail them in life by allowing this behaviour to continue and for him to think he can say what he likes and get away with it.

Adopt the children and let your son get on with whatever he is going to do. Nobody ever learned anything in life without making mistakes. He'll move in with his dad, realise how good he had it with you, then he'll move back in with you.

Get him a therapist, go to counselling with him, make the effort with him, and in the meantime continue adopting those children. Try not to let the helicopter parents manipulate you into thinking anything else on here - They are not living your life.

I think that you need to respect your son's wishes. I am sorry for your stepkids but he needs to be your first priority. There is no way you should have spoken with your stepchildren about adopting before him.

I doubt this Op will be back

I eldest child will not be dictating how many children I go on to have - biological or adopted.
If there are other issues where he feels displaced etc then you need to support him and work on it, but I would not let him have a say in this.

You're risking not seeing him for not much benefit?? Why?

Maybe I’m not thinking about the practicalities but it seems awfully sad to adopt them and erase their dead mother from their birth certificates.

I am not sure why you want to do this given the step kids are already around 15 and will be adults soon. They can love you, respect you as a parent and even call you mum, but you're not their mum, their mum has sadly passed away. There is absolutely no reason to adopt them at this age. I 100% can see how your son feels. You are his mum, a kind person who is supporting her step kids but he is your no.1.

This is how dysfunctional families form when the parent ignores entirely the childs feelings "Because i'm the adult and i'm always right"

Your poor son. You really should have talked to him first about it.

Social Services will not grant an adoption if your own biological child is against it, particularly as the adoption won't affect their budget. The children are always going to be with their biological father and costing them nothing.

As the children are now teenagers, if their father died Social Services would want them to stay with their step-mother, provided the children also wanted to they'd stay. Again saves money from their budget.

This is quite sad to read.

When she died, they came to live with us full-time. They needed extra care and support, so my attention naturally shifted to helping them through it.

It sounds like your son has been sidelined a while ago, and you wanting to formally adopt them is the final straw for him. It's hardly surprising he's upset, you've got a long way to go to try to fix this. Please don't adopt the other kids.

I got angry and snapped at him, asking why he was punishing me over adopting his siblings.

They're not his siblings, though. Also, you've had them full time for 6 years, while he's only had you half of the time. He probably feels excluded from your new family, because to a certain extent, he is. They get more of you than he does, and he is sidelined.

Just don't adopt them, for god's sake.

Oh my God did you really ask someone else's kids BEFORE you talked to your own son?!

You should never have had this conversation without talking to him first. He should have been the first person you discussed it with before anyone else at all.

So now you can fuck up your relationship with your actual son by prioritising your husband and his kids over your son, or choose not to do that and have another man's kids and your husband feeling resentful towards your own flesh and blood.

By trying to please your husband and his kids without even considering your son first, you've really painted yourself into a fucked up corner, there will be damage done no matter what. I don't know what to tell you.

I am hoping this is nonsense and actually @pirdgz doesnt have any kids and instead is alone in her bed sit making up crap on Mumsnet

Why has he heard so much about your poor marriage? You can also bet his Dad has been feeding the replacement narrative.

Put everything on hold and organise some counselling and time with just you and your son as soon as possible, I think you'll find he's been feeling replaces since he gained step-siblings.

Surely it would be more disrespectful for the children to have to go into care in the event of their father’s death, rather than be able to stay in the care of a woman who loves them.

Why on earth did you discuss it with your stepchildren before discussing it with your son?

This. Adopting them changes nothing other than alienates your son.

This. How to show him who is the priority.

Sorry but I would not be held to ransom by my 15 year old. He’d have to just deal with it

They needed extra care and support, so my attention naturally shifted to helping them through it

This leapt out at me... attention shifted from what? It does sound very much like you have sidelined him. To lose your temper when he asked for your solo attention on his birthday of all things was really not the best