My 15 year old Son refuses to let me adopt my stepkids

[pirdgz]

I am posting here because I am at my absolute wit’s end and desperately need some advice

A bit of background I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years (we’re both mid-40s). We were best friends back in high school and have a long history together. My first marriage lasted 7 yearsit wasn’t high drama, but we completely lost interest in each other, put in zero effort, and eventually divorced. My husband was already divorced long before my own marriage ended (I had nothing to do with his divorce!). Toward the end of my marriage, I had an emotional affair with him. My first marriage was already dead in the water and my ex wasn't putting in any effort, so we eventually divorced, I started dating my now husband, and we got married

Six years ago, his ex wife sadly passed away from an illness. Up until then, they shared 50/50 custody of his three kids (two girls and a boy, all around 15 now, same age as my son). When she died, they came to live with us full-time. They needed extra care and support, so my attention naturally shifted to helping them through it. Over the last 6 years, we’ve built an incredibly close bond they call me Mum, and I take care of them as my own.

I also have a 15 yearold son from my first marriage, shared 50/50 with my ex. He is my absolute world and the best thing to come out of that marriage

Recently, my husband and I decided I should formally adopt his three kids. We asked them first, and they were really happy about it. But when we told my son, he said absolutely not. He told me he only wants to be my son. It turns out he has overheard me over the years venting to my husband and friends about how terrible my first marriage was and how glad I am to be out of it. He has somehow internalized this to mean that I regret having him, that I resent him, and that I'm adopting my stepkids to build a "new family" to replace him.

That couldn't be further from the truth. I love him to pieces, but he has completely misconstrued what he heard. Now he’s given me a strict ultimatum if I adopt them, he will move out to live with his dad full-time and cut all contact with me.

It’s been 3 weeks of total cold shoulder. He refused to come on our family trip, and he’s freezing out his stepdad and step siblings. His 15th birthday was on the 21st normally we do a nice family dinner, but he said his dad was hosting and told me to come alone without my husband or stepkids. I got angry and snapped at him, asking why he was punishing me over adopting his siblings. Later I agreed to go alone, but he told me not to come at all because I lost my temper. So I didn't go. He hasn't spoken a single word to me since.

I feel completely sick to my stomach. I love my stepkids and want to formalize the family bond we've had for 6 years, but I am terrified of losing my son over this

How do I fix this with my son and make him understand how much I love him without hurting my stepkids

I wouldn't do this. What if you and your husband divorce in the future? It might not seem possible now, but these things happen. Prioritise your child and safeguard his future.

You need to also consider that you were in a marriage that wasn't working had an emotional affair then carried on the relationship and now live a happy family with your partner and his children

In his eyes whether rightly or wrongly as you said it wasnt drama : he had a family and suddenly it broke up and your partner was straight on the scene and you all became a family and hes hearing you bemoan his father/the marriage (basically his family) in most situations when a family breaks up there is time for the child to deal with the break up before dating and new families this didnt happen here.

I'd drop the whole subject and work on reassuring your son of his importance to you. TBH I think it was a big mistake to discuss it with your stepchildren before talking to him.

They are getting beyond the age where having 2 parents with equal legal responsibility is helpful on a practical level, anyway and will soon be adults.

Why on earth didn’t you speak with your son first? You just presented him with this as a done deal, that you and your new family decided. Awful

You have to tread this extremely carefully OP. 15 is an extremely difficult age for him and for you.
he’s heard you rant and rave about his dad over years???? No wonder he has come to the conclusion he has.
I would not be adopting your step kids any time soon, and start to build back up your relationship with your DS

Your poor son, I really feel for him. Fifteen is a particularly vulnerable age too and you tend to internalise a lot. I find it hard to believe you didn’t discuss the idea with him before it got this far!
This situation would have absolutely destroyed me as a teenager.

They needed extra care and support, so my attention naturally shifted to helping them through it
He is my absolute world

Not exactly matching statements.

Whether you agree with your son or not you need to listen to him and understand where he is coming from or you will lose him.

This is awful. PP makes a good point about how they have you 100% of the time versus his 50% which is inevitable but still a big factor. They aren’t his siblings however close you feel to them and I can see why he’s recoiling like this. You didn’t involve him and that says a lot.

So basically he was side lined for the 50% of the time he is even in your home while you prioritised someone else’s children.

Your sons heard you talking about how horrible it was with your ex and believes that includes him.

You announce adoption plans to your new children before even talking to your son.

You get angry at him when he doesn’t want the cuckoos coming to his birthday to the extent he now won’t talk to you at all and all you still care about is the adoption really.

Id never put someone else’s children before my own like this.

I think that the first person you should have discussed this with, before your husband or step children, is your son - he's apparently your 'whole world' and yet he was the last person in your family to be consulted. That speaks volumes.

You say he has overheard you being very negative about your first marriage, and his father who he loves - can you stop and think for a minute about how this has made him feel?

I don't see the need to adopt your husband's children, who are just a few years off adulthood. Especially as you know how your son feels about it. If you go ahead against his wishes, you will effectively alienate him and it's possible that your relationship with him will not recover. Is this a price you're willing to pay?

What you need to do is spend some time with your son and really talk and try and repair some of the damage.

your step kids get you, and your very evident devotion to them, 100% of the time.

Because their mother died. I expect they'd rather have their other parent and have op 50% of the time, like ds does.

There is no way you should have spoken with your stepchildren about adopting before him.

Shouldn't have spoken first to the people who it's actually about?

Did none of this came up when you discussed the possibility of adoption with the children?

Surely you didn’t just announce it to them all as a done deal?

Why did you speak to your son after your step-children?

You’ve said when their mother died your attention “naturally” shifted to them - I think you need to be brutally honest with yourself and consider if you’ve ever shifted that attention back to including your son. He obviously feels like you’ve no place for him in your new family.

That’s unlikely to happen. They’re all around 15 and they’d just vote to stay with op.

And what does that mean… how can three kids be “all around 15”

This bit jumped out at me

'When she died, they came to live with us full-time. They needed extra care and support, so my attention naturally shifted to helping them through it. Over the last 6 years, we’ve built an incredibly close bond they call me Mum, and I take care of them as my own.'

This sounds as though you switched all your care and attention towards your three bereaved step-children and your son felt neglected and left out.

Most step-parents don't formally adopt their step-children so this is a very big and unusual step which you made without discussing this with your son.

If you go ahead with this, I think that you will lose your son.

Recently, my husband and I decided I should formally adopt his three kids. We asked them first, and they were really happy about it. But when we told my son, he said absolutely not.

Your step kids were asked he was told.

Hopefully you can see the difference. and how he would feel that his view is of no importance, expecially when you put it with your new DH, moving the step kids in etc.

Hmmm. I can really see how your DS feels and I think speaking with your step kids before him was a HUGE mis step. As pp have said, he only gets you 50% of the time and your are openly (he’s overheard) negative about his dad and (in his mind) the family that is/was you, his dad and him. In contrast the step kids get you 100% of the time and you love thier dad.

The pp I quoted is wrong. All of these legal issues are very very easily overcome in your and your DH’s Wills. He needs to ensure you’re formally appointed as guardian in his Will if he dies. You will then have legal parental responsibility for his children if anything happens to him. The inheritance issue is also very easily covered in a decent Will. There’s no need to adopt from this perspective of worrying about what happens if he dies.

Why adopt them? You’re not their mum, she died and you are not a replacement, nor are they your sons ‘siblings’.

I cannot understand for the life of me how you can say he’s your absolute world and then make a decision, go behind his back to ask someone else’s children about adopting them, without mentioning it at all to ‘your world’.

You need to prioritise your son and it sounds as though you haven’t done that for a long time.

You moved three other kids into his home when he was very young, for the past six years you’ve given extra care to these three, which inevitably will have meant less focus on your own son. These three get to spend more time with you (100%) than he does (50%). And now you are adopting them. And after years of your son hearing you slate his father.

They don’t need you to adopt them, that’s a choice. It’s devastating that their mother is dead, but she’s still their mother.

It does sound as though your son might be better off living with his dad. Not as a punishment to you, but so that he can have the attention from one parent that he’s obviously craving and can never get from you because you’ve taken on the other three.

Can you not see how destabilising it was for him to have a whole new family move in , not 1 but 3 children . By your own admission you gave them a lot of attention meaning he wouldn’t have had your time . You need to listen to him or lose him . Slagging your ex partner and marriage within ear shot of your son was unforgivable.

I think that the first person you should have discussed this with, before your husband or step children, is your son - he's apparently your 'whole world' and yet he was the last person in your family to be consulted. That speaks volumes

Doesn't it?
Poor boy. Not even consulted, merely informed.

Don’t get sucked in posters!!!

You should have spoken to your ds before you spoke to the step children. And allowed him a few weeks processing time. Did you do this? Because if you did and he changed his mind, it’s one thing. However, it sounds as if you maybe didn’t. That doesn’t make him your whole world. That makes him back of the queue.

No way would I proceed. I would just tell your step dcs you didn’t realise how hard the process is. And you love them just the same.

Why do you need to adopt these kids? I presume they’re at least teenagers, not little ones. It will make zero difference to your relationship with them. Your own son comes first. I’d acknowledge this and shelve your plans.

Poor boy is nobody's priority.

This is not to be underestimated - it happened to my sister when our aunt died unexpectedly and cousin my sister's age moved in with us.

Obviously cousin needed an enormous amount of support and we were expected to understand. It was no problem for me because I was older, but sister the same age as cousin really suffered emotionally and felt replaced - as much in friendship groups and staff at school and wider family as by parents.

My sister ended up with a severe eating disorder and various psychological issues. Our cousin thrived after a stormy few years.

Obviously everyone meant well and nobody meant to hurt her or had a clue what they were doing, but she really was a mess for fifteen years or so, including being institutionalised.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions is an old saying that still has some truth to it...