My 15 year old Son refuses to let me adopt my stepkids

[pirdgz]

I am posting here because I am at my absolute wit’s end and desperately need some advice

A bit of background I’ve been married to my husband for 10 years (we’re both mid-40s). We were best friends back in high school and have a long history together. My first marriage lasted 7 yearsit wasn’t high drama, but we completely lost interest in each other, put in zero effort, and eventually divorced. My husband was already divorced long before my own marriage ended (I had nothing to do with his divorce!). Toward the end of my marriage, I had an emotional affair with him. My first marriage was already dead in the water and my ex wasn't putting in any effort, so we eventually divorced, I started dating my now husband, and we got married

Six years ago, his ex wife sadly passed away from an illness. Up until then, they shared 50/50 custody of his three kids (two girls and a boy, all around 15 now, same age as my son). When she died, they came to live with us full-time. They needed extra care and support, so my attention naturally shifted to helping them through it. Over the last 6 years, we’ve built an incredibly close bond they call me Mum, and I take care of them as my own.

I also have a 15 yearold son from my first marriage, shared 50/50 with my ex. He is my absolute world and the best thing to come out of that marriage

Recently, my husband and I decided I should formally adopt his three kids. We asked them first, and they were really happy about it. But when we told my son, he said absolutely not. He told me he only wants to be my son. It turns out he has overheard me over the years venting to my husband and friends about how terrible my first marriage was and how glad I am to be out of it. He has somehow internalized this to mean that I regret having him, that I resent him, and that I'm adopting my stepkids to build a "new family" to replace him.

That couldn't be further from the truth. I love him to pieces, but he has completely misconstrued what he heard. Now he’s given me a strict ultimatum if I adopt them, he will move out to live with his dad full-time and cut all contact with me.

It’s been 3 weeks of total cold shoulder. He refused to come on our family trip, and he’s freezing out his stepdad and step siblings. His 15th birthday was on the 21st normally we do a nice family dinner, but he said his dad was hosting and told me to come alone without my husband or stepkids. I got angry and snapped at him, asking why he was punishing me over adopting his siblings. Later I agreed to go alone, but he told me not to come at all because I lost my temper. So I didn't go. He hasn't spoken a single word to me since.

I feel completely sick to my stomach. I love my stepkids and want to formalize the family bond we've had for 6 years, but I am terrified of losing my son over this

How do I fix this with my son and make him understand how much I love him without hurting my stepkids

I got angry and snapped at him, asking why he was punishing me over adopting his siblings.

They’re not his siblings! To him they are just your dh’s children. Because you’ve formed a maternal bond with them, doesn’t mean your son feels the same way. Can’t you see how he would perceive that you’ve sidelined him? Not only do they live with you full time, you’re going to take steps to formalise their relationship to you, to make them on a par with your ds, and you announced this to him as a fait accompli, as though his thoughts and feelings don’t matter. I’m afraid you’ve handled this really badly. I would put this on the back burner, while you try and sort things with your ds. At least if you pause things, he will see that he does matter to you. If you plough on regardless, it will have an immense impact on his relationship with you.

You don't need to formally adopt these children, being your stepchildren is sufficient, they already think of you as their mum. They are not little kids who need a bit of paper for security.

I can understand why your son is upset. You may have been happy to be out of an unhappy marriage to his Dad but he shouldn’t have had to hear it growing up.
I was in a terrible relationship with my child’s father but they have never heard me say a bad word about it because it’s not going to do them no good to hear it.

Also to go from being an only child and then having step siblings who needed a lot of support (which is understandable due to the circumstances) it does look like he has got pushed a side.

You need to put your son first here and repair your relationship with him before it’s too late.

I really feel for your DS. Can you take him for a weekend away just the two of you and really talk to him? Are you prepared to hear what he might say? It would probably be that he doesn't consider your stepkids to be siblings at all. He must be very hurt to have reacted like this. Do you ever do anything just with him and not your new family? Family therapy might be helpful.

Yes I agree. Focus on your relationship with your son.

They wouldn't need to go into care.
An application for guardianship could be processed

You asked your step children before even talking to your son?
That was a HUGE mistake.

You need to put you son first now and try to work through this with him.

How your step children feel should not be your priority right now.

Forget about the adoption.
You have a lot of work to do to fix not putting your son first.

I feel so sorry for your son. I'm over sixty and I'm still very hurt and angry that my mother has prioritized my sister over me my whole life. I can't imagine how furious I would be if she had prioritized children that are nothing to do with her over me!

This type of controlling, dictatorial attitude is exactly how kids get fucked up. I’m the adult so I’m going to do what I want regardless of the impact on others.

OP, your son’s behaviour and anger is communicating deep deep hurt and insecurity. He’s only 15 and was only 9 when the other children came into his life. He’s built his own interpretation of how things have been based on a child’s world view…children don’t have the capacity and life experience of adults to process things. To expect him to view things the same way as an adult is unfair. Poor kid thinks he was a mistake because of what he’s heard you say. Can you imagine how heavy that is for him to have carried for so long?

He needs you more now than ever to prioritise him, listen to him, meet him where he’s at, reflect on your actions and do what he needs.

He isn’t trying to dictate or control. He’s hurting and this is his language to communicate it.

Holy Lord, you seem to have no insight into his feelings and vulnerability

Recently, my husband and I decided I should formally adopt his three kids. We asked them first, and they were really happy about it.

Without running it by your son first, not even a heads up? You decided such a major step with zero input from your son, not even telling him you were thinking about it. You showed him by making that decision without including him who your real family is.

It sounds like your son found himself, yet again, your dead last priority and he resents that and you. You're about to lose him for good because you've made him an outsider in your family and he's been replaced by your husband's kids.

He is my absolute world

Hardly.

This. He should have been the first to hear sboit it.

Hopefully you'll come to this way of thinking, but I think the only way to fix this is shelve adoption and tell you're son you're truly sorry he has been so sidelined (not 'felt', because he actually has been) and that you will do whatever you can to mend things. Then spend long term, committed 1 on 1 time with him going forward.

You need to build and repair with your son. May be a weekend away together to help him to feel special again. He might have all kinds of ideas about how he is as an emerging man - similar to his dad in ways - and how you might feel about that.

Your step kids will understand.

OP your words say he is your world, but your actions don't.

I don't for a minute disbelieve that you love the bones of your DS, but you have demonstrated priority for the feelings and needs of step-kids over him. I don't know if you spoke to him before you spoke to them about the adoption, but from your OP it doesn't sound like it and that was a huge mistake.

In your shoes I would accept that I have to backtrack somewhat.

It sounds like you have a wonderful relationship with the stepkids and I can understand why you, DH and they would like to make the relationship formal, but this is not the priority and if the relationship IS that strong, they will understand.

You don't have to tell them it won't be happening but you do need to say that DS needs time and space to consider it and that it won't be happening until ALL of you feel ready.

And then lots of talking with your DS. But make sure that those conversations aren't about you trying to 'persuade' him it will be fine, but rather about how he feels and what his reservations are. Really listen to him and try to reassure him that nothing will happen until he is ready and you accept that might be never.

Is there any real point adopting them when they're a couple of years away from legally being adults? Seems a bit pointless and more a grand gesture to show them you love them. Chances of their dad dying in the next 2-3 years is unlikely.

Meanwhile you snap at your 15yo for his dad hosting him on his birthday and completely missed his birthday altogether. He was being rude stubborn but he's dealing with complex feelings and struggling.

I think you should have still made an appearance on his birthday, even if he was unpleasant and you were turned away at the door. I would've matched his stubborness and turned up with a present.

Bloody hell, that poor boy!

He already watches his Mum be a full time Mum to his step sibs - while he is ferried back and forth to be part time with his own Mum and P/t with Dad so he probably already feels replaced in his Mum's family and that you are more of a Mum to them than to him = purely as a result of his parents being separated - none of his doing..

You had no business EVER letting him hear you rant about and criticise his Dad . An emotional reaction in a young person is not 'misconstruing' or misunderstanding - it is a subconscious feeling of insecurity. And he loves the dad that you - the other person he loves - is heard hating - he's piggy in the middle, not a secure place to be.

Your step Dc have a biological parent and a step parent in a secure stable relationship.

Your Ds has a biological parent and a step parent but is feeling insecure

Why is it necessary to adopt your SDc in order to feel like a family? Your DH already has you as full time and very good step mum to his kids.

Listen with more empathy to your ds.

You had a great set up - close relationship with your ds (albeit undermined by your criticising his dad) , close relationship with your DSc.

If it ain't broke don't fix it.

I wouldn’t let a 15yr old manipulate you in this way.

If you’d chosen to have another baby with your second husband, he wouldn’t get a say in that either.

He’s blackmailing you and with blackmailers, where does it stop? What if next year he wants a £1k computer and the following year he wants a motorbike or he’ll move in with his dad?

I’d be very clear with him that this is not related to how I feel about him and do my best to reassure him but ultimately, I’d definitely call his bluff.

If ever there was a problem for a family therapist I would suggest this would be it.

So in 15 years your son as seen his parents break up went through the divorce, his mum dating then getting married again, no doubt hes been uprooted a few times, having new people coming in his home, now you want to adopt someone else's kids.

Fuck that.

Recently, my husband and I decided I should formally adopt his three kids. We asked them first, and they were really happy about it. But when we told my son, he said absolutely not.

You aren't acting like a cohesive family, you are making decisions as a 'family' with your step kids and husband.. but informing your son of what you have decided in his absence.

I actually see why he is so furious with you, with him being 50/50 with his dad, you are spending a lot of time with those kids when he isn't there, it is bound to make him feel excluded, even if you don't mean to.. the fact that you are making such serious life decisions without even mentioning it to him, shows where you see him in the family heirachy.

Plus, he is 15 and will not be able to handle this in a mature objective way, it will feel like a rejection, where as to an adult it is a lovely thing to do. Couple in you speaking awfully about your marriage and his dad in earshot of him, and you have really dropped the ball on all of this.

Absolutely no need to adopt your stepchildren. The only thing it will achieve is that they’ll have equal rights of inheritance to your son.

I can see why he’s upset. They’re not your children and he is. And what if you get divorced? These things happen. Then they’re officially your children and you’d have to maintain them etc.

I don’t understand what you hope to achieve by adoption? Have you had legal advice?

But he is more important. At least he should be. There should be no one more important to a parent than their own child. They should always be put first. End of.

This^