To wish DH would sometimes empathise and not just look for the solution?

[Hoypolliu]

Before I start this post I just want to say, I’m happy in my marriage, and DH is a great husband and father to our kids. However, one thing is starting to bother me, and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.

DH is a very practical, problem solver type person. When something goes wrong, he’s unphased and looks immediately for the solution. He’s extremely resilient, has a stressful job that he manages well and maintains a good work life balance.

However, sometimes, when I’ve had a bad day or a disappointment, or just want a whinge, I don’t want solutions, I just want someone to empathise and agree with me that it’s shit. He listens but immediately launches into finding a way forward. It sometimes feels a bit dismissive, but it’s like the only thing he knows how to do is help resolve things. He doesn’t do navel gazing and he’s always so measured and reasonable.

I don’t know why this has only just started to bother me, we’ve been together for over a decade. However, I’m not sure how to raise it without sounding ungrateful for the practical support that he’s very good at providing.

Am I asking too much and being unreasonable?

Weird AI post OP

Dh can be like this and it’s one reason I have other friends 😂
i can see his point of view - there’s a problem, I think I can find a way to resolve it, here, let me tell you.
My point of view is that I just want to offload and be empathised with. And then I’m ready to take on board suggestions.
He prefers to skip the empathy, remove the emotion from it completely and solve it as quickly as possible.
Neither way is right or wrong. We just have different approaches to stuff.
If I have a practical problem that I can’t solve myself i gladly share and want him to chip in. If it’s a moral dilemma type quandary l prefer to talk it through with girl friends because they offer empathy, share anecdotal situations and then once the kindly words are over the helpful advice comes in.

It can also lead to the person being criticised as not being open to any solutions. Sometimes that's fair but other times the problem is that the solutions offered are either stuff that's already been tried and failed or crap suggestions from the start.

What the fuck does he mean by that? What plank?

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" - Matthew 7:3-5

Has anyone claimed to resurrect the dead? 🤔

People are different, no approach is wrong, but communication is key.

As PP have advised, OP should tell her DH what she needs at that time.

No one can mind read.

It means “do you want me to solve the problem or just sympathise with it?”

Just tell him you need him to listen and sympathise without offering a solution. It doesn't come naturally to everyone!

I will caveat this by saying listening to someone moaning about the same problem over and over while doing nothing about it is very annoying! So if you're doing this, I can see why he might get a bit frustrated 😂

As for planks I think someone who asks a question like that probably has their own eye plank.

Have you tried saying, dont worry I dont need you to do anything its in hand but god I need to talk this out..

Let him know the solution/him fixing it is by him giving you comfort.

Lots of the problem solvers have said things along the line of: 'what's the point of moaning, I like to offer solutions'. I was pointing our that everyone can see that sometimes there is no solution, and saying things like: 'you will find a new friend' or 'time will make you feel better' or 'there's no point in keeping on grieving, you need to get out and do things to cheer up' are obviously insensitive if someone has died.

Similarly, there are a lot of unhelpful solutions that people offer in less drastic situations, and I was trying to point out (with an extreme example) to the problem solvers that they should realise that solutions can be insensitive and unhelpful. Quite often they make the situation worse.

Lots of people commenting on this thread seem unaware of this.