To wish DH would sometimes empathise and not just look for the solution?

[Hoypolliu]

Before I start this post I just want to say, I’m happy in my marriage, and DH is a great husband and father to our kids. However, one thing is starting to bother me, and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.

DH is a very practical, problem solver type person. When something goes wrong, he’s unphased and looks immediately for the solution. He’s extremely resilient, has a stressful job that he manages well and maintains a good work life balance.

However, sometimes, when I’ve had a bad day or a disappointment, or just want a whinge, I don’t want solutions, I just want someone to empathise and agree with me that it’s shit. He listens but immediately launches into finding a way forward. It sometimes feels a bit dismissive, but it’s like the only thing he knows how to do is help resolve things. He doesn’t do navel gazing and he’s always so measured and reasonable.

I don’t know why this has only just started to bother me, we’ve been together for over a decade. However, I’m not sure how to raise it without sounding ungrateful for the practical support that he’s very good at providing.

Am I asking too much and being unreasonable?

The trouble is with my DH he often genuinely hasn't thought of a solution. One of his favourites is "I've got a headache". I will say "Have you taken some paracetamol?" and he says "Oh... no, I haven't!" and off he goes to the cupboard. In a long marriage you get to know whether or not the other person will have thought of something or not.

Don't you ever have situations that you'd really rather you didn't have to deal with?

For instance, our elderly cat doesn't always poo in the litter box now, there are various things that we are doing to deal with it, but it's still tiresome to have to clean up cat poo on a regular basis and we all like a bit of a moan about it sometimes!

This is fab. I'm a problem solver but this is going to be my mantra going forward!

I disagree with this. I am the problem solver in my house and everyone comes to me when they have a concern because of this. I don’t agree at all, that men solve and women listen. That has never been my experience.

Look up the YouTube clip called “It’s not about the nail”.
hilarious and illustrates what you are describing!!

I had this a while ago with my partner, I now get a couple of sentences in, and he will stop me and genuinely asks "sympathy or solutions?"

I’m your DH in this scenario…as per previous poster/s I’ll ask (unless it’s entirely obvious) if they need me to help with a solution or just to listen.

YANBU, sometimes we just want to be heard and validated.

Ah ok. I’d just read somewhere it was man/ woman thing.

"I'd like to tell you about my day but don't want you to look for answers or solutions - just a hug and a bit of sympathy please."

See what happens ...

We tend to ask the other 'Do you want comfort or a solution' works well.

Oh I do. I say I’m not telling you because I want you to go round there/start a row/anything else OTT, I’m telling you because I want you to know how it affects me mentally. His approach to things is different to mine. I’ll pussy foot about people-pleasing whereas he’d just tell someone to fuck off and erase them from his mind. We are quite different characters in that respect.

I'd tell him that you're needing a rant and sympathy not solutions.

I can do both, but I to tend to piss DS off by offering solutions. He want's to rant about how terrible it is to have summer GCSE work. I'm trying to tell him to see what he needs to do and break it into a few more managable installments rather than saving it for an inevitable last moment crisis. I did even sympathise that I suffered it myself, so I'm not a complete monster
I do say that his motto is "for every solution there is a problem"

DH unfortunately does need to be told the obvious "take a paracetamol" for health whinges. I'm much more sympathetic when someone has attempted the bleeding obvious first I have a very low threshold for male health martyrs after my stoic dad's death from the indigestion that turned out to be his heart clogging up

Hi, I haven't voted as I don't think you're being unreasonable but I think he's just being a typical man (sorry to generalise). I've had it all through life with partners and now and I'm divorced and my dad is recently widowed, he's starting to do this to me as well. I try to be really careful what I speak to him about now. Obviously it's different for you - but he really is just trying to help x

I've gone with YABU not because I don't sympathise but because he's a man and that's what we tend to do unless given a clear instruction not to....

@LilacReader if someone genuinely wants to help, I think they'd probably like to know that what they are doing isn't actually helpful.

I will say to my partner, "shoulder, not solution".

I'm like this too, especially with my adult children. I have to make a conscious effort not to jump in trying to find a solution. I am going to use your strategy going forward, thank you

I am not sure how true that is. I come from a family of problem solvers and we are all female, well except my Dad of course. I think (and am not defending myself....well maybe I am a bit.....) that for problem solvers, problem solving is part of their love language. They want their beloved not to feel bad so they want to take the problem away.
I also think that it can depend how the solution is offered "All you have to do" "surely its just a matter of" are not good ways. "might xxx help?" is better.

Have you never said to him something like “I’m not looking for you to fix this, I just want to tell you how I feel and offload a bit?”

I’d be surprised if most women hadn’t said something similar to their partners at some point. I know I’ve said it to my husband - I just want you to listen and give me a hug or a few supportive words. It’s a very common thing that men come up with solutions rather than just listen.

Maybe start the conversation by saying I'm not looking for a solution I just need to vent about this. People have different approaches to dealing with problems, some people don't get anything from just talking about a problem so their default when someone shares a problem will be to look for a solution.

I don’t think it’s a man thing because I am definitely a problem solver (perhaps I’m a man and I didn’t realise; I am also excellent at parallel parking and map reading…).

Everyone’s allowed a whinge now and again but we all know people who can moan for England. In real life and on MN, endless examples of people who really don’t want a solution at all.

Dsis is Moaner Extraordinaire. It is really, really wearing when someone just seems to like to wallow in their problems, and expect a willing ear for hours.

I tell him now that I don't want a solution, (or not right now) I just need a rant - or a cup of tea - or a hug. Or to go on a long dog walk...or whatever might helps.

I've done it so well that I now have to tell him when I do want a solution.

Long marriages, don't you love them?

Someone else commented that it’s not a man/ woman thing. I’d read it online somewhere so note to self don’t believe everything you read online.

It's the same in my family, majority are women and with the exception of one, we all look to problem solve, and when we talk about a problem it's because we want help solving it rather than wanting empathy.