To wish DH would sometimes empathise and not just look for the solution?

[Hoypolliu]

Before I start this post I just want to say, I’m happy in my marriage, and DH is a great husband and father to our kids. However, one thing is starting to bother me, and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.

DH is a very practical, problem solver type person. When something goes wrong, he’s unphased and looks immediately for the solution. He’s extremely resilient, has a stressful job that he manages well and maintains a good work life balance.

However, sometimes, when I’ve had a bad day or a disappointment, or just want a whinge, I don’t want solutions, I just want someone to empathise and agree with me that it’s shit. He listens but immediately launches into finding a way forward. It sometimes feels a bit dismissive, but it’s like the only thing he knows how to do is help resolve things. He doesn’t do navel gazing and he’s always so measured and reasonable.

I don’t know why this has only just started to bother me, we’ve been together for over a decade. However, I’m not sure how to raise it without sounding ungrateful for the practical support that he’s very good at providing.

Am I asking too much and being unreasonable?

I think next time you want to moan just say 'look I'm just venting about this, I'm not looking for solutions just sympathy and a hug' or whatever and see if he listens

give this link to your dh

Same. I want to say what’s bothering me and he’ll say “well what can I do?” I don’t want you to do ANYTHING! Just listen and take it on board!!! Jeez

I think this is such a common issue - I've said exactly the same a zillion times to dh. So then I'm relating something to him, and he says nothing. So I ask if he's heard what I've said. "Well, yes, but you've said you don't want me to do anything" Well I bloody want you to sympathise, or empathise, or just say something supportive. He's never going to get it, is he?

I think this is a bit of a cop out, even if it is your "love language" you can surely do things differently if that's what the person needs at that time?

Otherwise it's like saying "I know you hate liver and bacon, but it's the only thing I can cook, it's made with love!"

I was thinking exactly the same!

Absolutely.It is a very clear male trait on my experience. It infuriates DH if I’m not delighted by his solution.

This is exactly my dh too. He’s amazing and is like this. He has always had a very stressful career which is solutions driven, so I guess that’s what he reverts to instinctively. Understanding him from that point made me really realise that he’s not uncaring. HIS way of caring, is solving my problem so that I’m happier quicker.
it’s really not personal.
Now he just asks me what can I do rather than go for a solution. If my response is nothing, then he just listens and switches to a more emotional response. That works for us

I do this- like your husband I have a problem solving job and I just can't help myself.

Now when my husband vents to me I say upfront do you want me to listen or do you want me to help find a solution? Or he just tells me.

If he ignores you and continues to problem solve, then you have an issue.

Yes, I have stopped telling my DH about certain things that have rattled me, because of how he reacts. EG: I handed a prescription in at the pharmacy yesterday and asked the woman I handed it to 'how long will it be, will be it be long?' just so I knew whether to wait or pop off for a walk.

Instantly a woman shouted from behind the counter and yelled 'we do have 20 other prescriptions in front of you! We ARE a busy pharmacy.' Then slunk back behind the barrier. I was like I said to the woman I was speaking to 'I was literally just asking, because if it's going to be half an hour, I'll come back.' The woman said 'sorry love, it's just been a tough day with some rude customers and she's venting.' I said 'well laying into the customers who are being pleasant isn't really the answer is it?. She just shook her head and mouthed 'sorry' again... I said 'I will be back in half an hour.'

Got my meds. End of story. If I had told DH this, he would have stood up and marched to the car and bolted down to the pharmacy and DEMANDED to speak to the manager. He would have put in a complaint and demanded to speak to the rude member of staff who had a go at his wife for nothing! I would never have been able to face them again because I would have been so embarrassed.

Got a number of similar tales. Things have gone a bit awry/balls up after someone has upset me/after I've got into a spat with someone.... I never tell him, because he always feels the need to stick his nose it, shout his mouth off, and 'fix' things. I don't know why he does it, whether it's some way of proving his manhood, or showing that he is in my corner, or what, but it pisses me off.

So I never tell him about anything. Also happy in my marriage - for the most part....

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I do the same and it really helps.
now we’re at the point he understands and will go and get me flowers and chocolate or something and just listen. But it took along time to get on the same page as he’s a big problem solver too

communication is key

I totally get what you mean, OP. My ex would do this and it really started to drive me up the wall. I always knew it came from a good place, but sometimes it did feel a bit dismissive or like mansplaining.

I'm like your DH. I don't think it's a male/female thing, really. Plenty of women like to problem solve, and plenty of men don't.

Personally I think it's not dismissive for him to listen to your problem and try to think of ways to solve it for you, if there is a way to solve it. That takes thought and effort. Dismissive would be just nodding and making sympathetic noises at the appropriate moments - it takes no thought or investment.

Obviously, if it can't be fixed then sympathy alone is all that's left...but why would you not want a solution, if there is one?

totally agree, just pointing out that solvers don't do it to be annoying and can do better but need to know!

Can we stop with the "it's a male trait" thing? It's obviously not, there are many women on here saying they do it, I have to stop myself from doing it, my mum was awful for it.

Saying things are a "male trait" implies that that's just the way men are and they can't do anything about their learnt behaviour, which is rubbish!

Happy to answer. Sometimes you just want validation, for example "that must be tough", rather than a solution (which I can likely find my own). But I appreciate some people aren't especially wired this way and it's a difference in perspectives. I also think there's a risk of the person wanting an emotional outlet (me!) being a bit moany and equally the other person coming across as somewhat dismissive or perhaps missing the real issue. Probably, both can learn from each other.

I think it comes from the era fo "Men are From Mars" which attempted to solve all problems on the basis that men and women are irretrievably different.

I am a bit like your hubby, but I wouldn't be averse for someone to say - I just need a hug, not a solution.

My DM is like this. You just say I want to vent not find solutions.

Yes, and no. Sure, I’d like people not to die in accidents, often in terrible ways, or be likely a quad, where I didn’t have to have that discussion with family etc but that’s life and the nature of the beast.

We had an elderly cat who had dementia, would toilet everywhere including on our bed (they liked it so we didn’t ’problem solve’ by shutting bedroom door, just tried to put waterproof protectors on, but didn’t always work), had several other problematic behaviours related to dementia, so I can identify. But to my mind, that’s still a really trivial thing in the scheme of life and not something i would think to moan about, and I’ve tried to instill that perspective in our kids (mainly successful). Put it this way, none of them ever moan about a tough day at work, they learnt pretty quickly with ‘teen’ jobs that some customer going off at you for no/little reason does not constitute a ‘bad day at work’ and if you are viewing it as such, your view on life needs considerable adjustment.

We are all different and some people are wired to solve problems. If he didn't care for you he wouldn't be investing the time and energy doing it. If you just want a moan, give him notice that you just want him to listen/empathise/get you a glass of wine. In the scheme if things he sounds pretty reasonable.

My husband is a listener unless asked to solve.

Some years ago my daughter had a boyfriend & came home quite perplexed that he tried to solve something that she just wanted to moan about😂

I think you need to say before you kick off 'I dont want a solution, but can I tell you about this...again, I just want empathy, not a solution. I really like it when you just listen.'

Sometimes what you're moaning about doesn't even have a solution, it can be something you have to wait out or learn to live with. I really disagree with the idea that a giving a crap solution is better than giving no solution but I suspect the "solvers" feel differently.

Do I want comfort or a solution?. Comfort please, I've already looked for a solution.

This is just right! Thank you @SummerFeverVenice