To wish DH would sometimes empathise and not just look for the solution?

[Hoypolliu]

Before I start this post I just want to say, I’m happy in my marriage, and DH is a great husband and father to our kids. However, one thing is starting to bother me, and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.

DH is a very practical, problem solver type person. When something goes wrong, he’s unphased and looks immediately for the solution. He’s extremely resilient, has a stressful job that he manages well and maintains a good work life balance.

However, sometimes, when I’ve had a bad day or a disappointment, or just want a whinge, I don’t want solutions, I just want someone to empathise and agree with me that it’s shit. He listens but immediately launches into finding a way forward. It sometimes feels a bit dismissive, but it’s like the only thing he knows how to do is help resolve things. He doesn’t do navel gazing and he’s always so measured and reasonable.

I don’t know why this has only just started to bother me, we’ve been together for over a decade. However, I’m not sure how to raise it without sounding ungrateful for the practical support that he’s very good at providing.

Am I asking too much and being unreasonable?

I agree.si miar to me

I think this is very much a personal preference because I absolutely loathe it when people ‘just want to vent’ or ‘just want to be listened to’. I find it incredibly draining when people essentially just want to tell you stuff in a completely one-sided way until you’re as miserable as they are, and I think it can be quite self-absorbed if it happens a lot.

If I have a problem, I want it solved. Sometimes there might not be a solution but if there is, why wouldn’t I want to hear it?

Men are brought up to problem solve and be stoic, women are brought up to care and cry "there, there".
I wish this was completely untrue, but it's not. Find an article on it, and send it to him, highlighting the bits about asking, "do you want advice, or just me to listen?"

I do exactly the same to my wife (I'm also female, so everyone claiming problem-solving is an exclusively male trait is full of shit).

It took us a few years to work out the blindingly simple solution: before she tells me what's bothering her, she says, "I just want to vent, I don't want you to tell me how to fix it." Although sometimes she does want me to fix it, and then she's grateful for my excellent problem-solving skills.

OH MY GOD my wife is exactly the same. Drives me round the bend.

Been married over 15 years and the answer is to be direct eg I’ve had a really tough day and I just want a hug/need you to listen. My DH knows this means no words of advice needed. Equally I know when he says he needs time to think through what he wants to say, I know he’s not trying to put things off to annoy me (!) but rather he genuinely needs to figure things out. I can honestly say if you are direct but kind and respectful and really try listen to each other, it is just the best feeling in having a true partner.

I feel like I've had a lot of experience of this, from female friends actually. It's definitely not just a man thing although I suspect there is a propensity for more men than women to have this trait. This type of response has been the reason I very rarely share a problem and that in itself has lead to more shallow friendships and a feeling of isolation sometimes. It's just so patronising when someone offers the most obvious answer like they are so much cleverer than you. If you are weighed down with something and every minute of every day you are desperately seeking a solution and then someone hears this information for the first time and has about 10 seconds to process the situation and thinks they can resolve it. They might as well tell you they think you are an incompetent idiot.

So many weird posters ascribing this to being a male/female difference when there are so many posts IN THIS THREAD FROM WOMEN saying they're problem-solvers.

I'm another one. DH is going through some shit at the moment and I've been so solution-focused that I'm almost annoying myself. Try this sleep app! Try yoga to calm yourself down! Make a spreadsheet! Game out these four options! I can't help it - I literally don't know what else to say. Just saying "there there" or "I know it's shit" feels so fucking useless and pointless.

Also, I'd like to make it very clear that when I complain about anything, I'm doing so because I can't think of a solution myself and I'm hoping the person I'm talking to might come up with one. When I complain I want the thing fixed, then I'll be happy. I'm not complaining just for venting's sake!

I get where you’re coming from but honestly I’m a bit like your husband 😳
I’m a solutions person.
I actually really don’t like being asked to just listen and soak up other people’s upset/ moans, I find it almost painful, although obviously I have to and do do it for my children as that’s what parents are for.
Especially if someone wants to whine about the same thing over and over and won’t listen to or take on board solutions, but just wants to whine again about the same thing - I find that really uncomfortable.
It might be because my Mum does it a lot and did it when I was a child (which was inappropriate in my view) - wanted to moan to me about her upset with various people but didn’t want solutions - I hate being people’s sounding board if they won’t make any changes or listen to solutions as a result.

Your post is doing the exact opposite. Do you actually want us to come up with a solution or to go 'Mmmm, yeah, that's shit'?

Makes me wonder whether he's had similar times where you actually wanted a solution but there wasn't a way of him being able to tell the difference.

ETA: I may be slightly salty about this, as DP was clearly trained by his mother and his XW to sit there mute instead of being of any practical use whatsoever, as they wanted sympathy, not help and any attempt to do or say anything was always wrong.

Yes I’m the same! I’m asking because I want suggestions!

I suppose it depends on the context. Sometimes someone just responding with "oh, that sucks" is exactly what you need, as it validates your feelings that, yes, it does suck and you're not wrong in feeling down about it.

On the other hand "oh, that sucks" can be pretty inadequate if you are genuinely looking for advice (more useful than "I'm upset about this" to which the response is "well, have you tried not being upset?").

Me too, it’s my default setting and I’ve become aware of it and try to establish what the other person wants (when I remember!)
equally I find it frustrating when my partner does the same for me, and say ‘no I don’t want solutions right now I just want to complain!’ And all is fine, I whinge, and we carry on with our day

Haven’t RTFT, but a great piece of advice given to DH and me when we got married was that, when one of us has a problem, the other one needs to ask, ‘Do you want comfort, or solutions?’
It has saved us SO MANY rows. Hard recommend.

I think 'the grass is always greener'. My husband empathises but doesn't offer solutions. I have to keep asking 'Yes, but what do you think I should do?' to get any kind of opinion.

Indeed! Can be a drag though 😀

I try to tell my partner if I'm just trying to vent. He doesn't really get it. The.funny thing is that last week (over a decade together) he said "I think i might be more of a.problem solver than listener". I guess he is finally self aware 😅

My dh is the same @Hoypolliu

For me personally, venting removes the emotion from the situation. It’s much easier to find a solution (or accept a solution from someone else) when the emotion/ drama/ stress has been diffused. I am actually a good problem solver, but I need a clear head.

if its an issue from the past then surely a solution would be how to deal with the outcome and the emotional fallout?

and yes, why do you talk to your dad about stuff where his response will annoy you?

Yea, my husband is the same way ... that's just men I think. You need to tell him, repeatedly if necessary.

This is me. My DC call it “solutioneering”. We mean well OP, we can’t help it. What we’re trying to do is make the bad thing go away. It’s our love language.

Yeah this is me. I don’t really see the point in dwelling on a crappy situation. I do what I can to solve it, and then move on. I find people who want to vent about problems and drama draining.

I was raised with --- crying wont fix it moaning wont solve it.
Tell me whats ya problem is and see if we can find away to deal with it.

Ive been around to many people that like to drag it on and on, moan and moan but dont seem to want to deal with it or want to solve it.
We can all have a moan now and then but some people just love to trauma dump, and problem moan.

I was not raised to cry and pet adults up because they have a problem.
So that article got it wrong.
A lot of women myself included like to get the issue sorted.
Them that love to moan and wine about it for days suck the life out of us.