To wish DH would sometimes empathise and not just look for the solution?

[Hoypolliu]

Before I start this post I just want to say, I’m happy in my marriage, and DH is a great husband and father to our kids. However, one thing is starting to bother me, and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.

DH is a very practical, problem solver type person. When something goes wrong, he’s unphased and looks immediately for the solution. He’s extremely resilient, has a stressful job that he manages well and maintains a good work life balance.

However, sometimes, when I’ve had a bad day or a disappointment, or just want a whinge, I don’t want solutions, I just want someone to empathise and agree with me that it’s shit. He listens but immediately launches into finding a way forward. It sometimes feels a bit dismissive, but it’s like the only thing he knows how to do is help resolve things. He doesn’t do navel gazing and he’s always so measured and reasonable.

I don’t know why this has only just started to bother me, we’ve been together for over a decade. However, I’m not sure how to raise it without sounding ungrateful for the practical support that he’s very good at providing.

Am I asking too much and being unreasonable?

You’re literally describing a scene from Parks and Rec 😂

www.tiktok.com/@missnerdstiles/video/7225781480646266158

I tell my Husband “I don’t want you to solve this, I just want you to listen”

Same. I want to say what’s bothering me and he’ll say “well what can I do?” I don’t want you to do ANYTHING! Just listen and take it on board!!! Jeez.

I'm like this, always looking to solve.
I read something that helped.
When people talk about a problem, you need to think empathy, strategy or distraction as the 3 possible ways to respond.
I've started asking people what would be most helpful at that time.
Maybe discuss this with him, the three options, and see if he can relate

This! I am always telling DH that DD doesn't want solutions when she is having a moan.

I think most men are like this tbh. That's why women are usually the best for sympathy and emotional support!

I'm afraid I'm the solution-finder in our house. I can't help it! I'm very sympathetic if it's something like illness or delayed trains or someone else at work being awful, but for some things DH just needs to make a phone call or send an email so I'll point it out.

Can you talk to someone else if you want to just offload? It's quite hard to change someone else's long term approach to life.

It’s one of the differences between men and women that men naturally problem solve and women naturally just provide empathy. I’m a weirdo and like to problem solve all the time! As someone else said I’d just say to DH I don’t want or need a solution I just want to moan and for you listen.

My husband is like this. He tries to solve the problem. He has got better since I told him that I just needed him to listen not solve anything.

I hear my friends dh saying to his wife : what do you need from me? She told me they devised that strategy as his first impulse was to find a solution. I suggested it to dh but he hasn't caught on yet but might be worth a try.

I'm like your husband so the other way around, and I think my OH sometimes struggles too. I think he'd like it if I was able to open up a bit, have a moan, be a bit emotional.

But I just can't. I'm just inherently practical and just think that whining or emotion doesn't fix anything. I think it comes from previously always having to deal with everything that goes wrong on my own, never having support from someone who cared enough to bother to listen.

I understand it's frustrating but I think it's unlikely he's doing it on purpose to upset you

I’m a problem solver! I’ll emphasise and listen to moans up to a point but then you have to get up and get on with it.

Trying to help you find a solution while focussing on you and your problem is the opposite of being dismissive imho.

Dismissive is “yeah that’s shit, have a glass of wine” and then …..crickets…or subject change to “so you still going to cook dinner?” ..or he says “you know what else is shit” and launches into his problem of the day or week in a tit for tat who has had the shittiest day competition.

I can understand wanting a pause to get a hug before he launches into help mode. The next time you have had a bad day…lead with “All I want now is a hug because I’ve had a terrible day. I don’t want to even think about it or discuss how to solve this tonight, I just want a hug and then a bit of time just enjoying being with you. Then tomorrow morning, or evening, I’d love to hear your thoughts on how to fix it. But right now, I just want to vent, get a hug and then enjoy my evening not thinking about it.”

Honestly I would find it irritating that you are just whinging about something without even accepting that it might be fixable. What’s the point?Try and see it from his perspective.

Be clearer what you want from him and don’t go into unnecessary details that invite solutions. E.g. ‘Emma at work was on a power trip and really upset me by saying I wasn’t doing a good job’ invites ‘have you tried speaking to HR?’ Or similar. Whereas ‘I’ve had a bad day at work I just need a hug’ gets you the comfort you need and he doesn’t have to sit through the details for no reason.

I agree with the pps saying you have to explain this. It's weird that some folks don't do this naturally. My DH is fabulous, but when I'm struggling he goes into problem solving mode. I just remind him, "I'm not baffled by this, just hurt".

It’s not a man vs woman thing. It is usually a result of childhood and young adulthood socialisation and experiences which approach we tend to use.

I’m like your DH. I don’t see the point of just moaning. If you’ve got a problem: fix it. If it can’t be fixed, don’t moan. There’s nothing you can do about it and moaning is just making a bad thing worse. Obvs this doesn’t mean things like moaning about the weather, moaning about your backache (as long as you’ve sought treatment!!) etc. But I can’t bear repeated moans about a problem that can be solved but that the person doesn’t want to solve.

Very easily raised. Before you have a moan, say "I am going to have a moan. Please don't offer me a solution, I just need to vent to someone". I do it all the time and nobody's been offended so far.

It's a man thing, thats why ladies talk to their friends about problems.

I usually preempt it by letting DH I'm not asking him for a solution.

I tell him in advance I'm not asking him to find solutions, I'm asking him to sympathise with my woes!

Men are from Mars etc...Its a well known fact that men genuinely think you are after a solution not a sympathetic ear. When you understand that its then easy not to tell them or ask them anything unless you can make a swift exit.

I have to be explicit with my DH when I just want a moa and when I want a solution. He’s brilliant but he can work those two things out on his own

As others say, just tell him. At some neutral time you can say you appreciate his problem solving skills, but sometimes you just need to offload and at those times you are looking for sympathy, not a solution. Ask him what would be the best way to signal that to him next time.

I don't think it is a man vs woman thing, plenty of women want to solve problems too, we're pretty good at it! But we can all learn to listen instead. I usually let my husband offload and then ask him if he wants ideas for solutions or not.

Tell him.

I drove my DH mad with this as I was brought up that if someone told you a problem they were hoping you’d help them find a solution. He snapped at me about 12 years into our relationship and we both wish he’d just said.

Now unless he tells me he’s looking for a solution I just listen and sympathise (and fight my instinct to offer solutions!).