To wish DH would sometimes empathise and not just look for the solution?

[Hoypolliu]

Before I start this post I just want to say, I’m happy in my marriage, and DH is a great husband and father to our kids. However, one thing is starting to bother me, and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.

DH is a very practical, problem solver type person. When something goes wrong, he’s unphased and looks immediately for the solution. He’s extremely resilient, has a stressful job that he manages well and maintains a good work life balance.

However, sometimes, when I’ve had a bad day or a disappointment, or just want a whinge, I don’t want solutions, I just want someone to empathise and agree with me that it’s shit. He listens but immediately launches into finding a way forward. It sometimes feels a bit dismissive, but it’s like the only thing he knows how to do is help resolve things. He doesn’t do navel gazing and he’s always so measured and reasonable.

I don’t know why this has only just started to bother me, we’ve been together for over a decade. However, I’m not sure how to raise it without sounding ungrateful for the practical support that he’s very good at providing.

Am I asking too much and being unreasonable?

I hate wittering on. If it is basically just "work stuff" I genuinely struggle to give a shit. We allow each other 15 minutes max of work chat when we get in.

Of course if it is friends or family related I give more time. These days we both seem to have more health stuff as well 😞

I was genuinely in my 20s, married and with a professional job before I realised that people might talk about problems and not want advice or a solution. Before then it genuinely hadn’t occurred to me that people just want someone who.. listens and nods in the right places and says “oh that’s terrible” (I think that’s what they are looking for?!).

After the penny dropped I do ask more if people are looking for sympathy or solutions, and DH will say “can I rant/offload about something” if he doesn’t want advice.

Can you try that?

You absolutely have to talk to him about this and how it bothers you. In fact this will be a wonderful opportunity for him to find a solution to the problem! Dh is exactly the same and after a few conversations and many 'you're doing it again' comments spoken through gritted teeth, he now stops himself. He asks if he is wanted to just listen or am I asking for help. Almost indefinitely it's just listen. I'm very practical too, more so in fact, and it's kind of insulting when he assumes I can't figure out a simple thing. It could be really basic, like I say there are road works all week on this road and the traffic will be bad, and he will reply you should take a different route then. No shit, I'd never thought of that. In fact that's exactly what I would say these days.

Im bad for looking for a solution as well. I do it from a desire to help not to be dismissive at all.

. I’ve started asking my daughter if she wants advice or just to vent as she has a tendency to be dramatic and it’s lots better for us however I draw the line at extended moaning - waste of energy for everyone.

I’m a problem solver as well - to all the PP wanting empathy but not solutions, please may I ask why not? I’m not asking to prove a point, just genuinely can’t comprehend why someone might not want to solve something they complain about.

Preface what you say with
“I’m just having a rant and not looking for solutions. What you need to do is say, that sounds awful would you like a cup of tea?”

He needs to know how to respond so give him a script, for now, and it (hopefully!) will grow from there.

But that's what men are problem solvers and one way of showing love is to try and fix the other half problem asap.. that's why I have my mum and sisters for the chat bits haha

I'm exactly like this and it makes maintaining friendships with women very difficult, which is a shame, because it's just my way of trying to make sure they felt heard and not abandoned afterwards to sort it out themselves.

That’s exactly what I do too

Say before you moan 'I just need a moan, can you listen for 5 min, then we can have dinner?' then it's clear to the other person that you just want to moan and they are doing something productive. Also thank him for listening if he's been very sympathetic or you've gone on for ages.

It's fine to ask for what you need, be explicit before you start!

Sometimes you just want to have a moan about stuff, and for someone to agree that x is shit. It makes you feel better.

If I've had a shit day I don't expect partner to be able to help with it, but you need an outlet to call manager Y a cunt and for them to just sit there and say "yes, Y is a cunt".

I was taught on an active listening course to always ask what someone wants before they start

“I’m here and ready to listen; do you want any advice or do you just need to vent? If that changes, let me know - this is about what you need”

It’s been very useful with teenagers!

Agree with PPs - you just need to tell him in advance, he’s not a mind reader

My husband says to me, ‘Do you want me to take the plank out of your eye or just be sorry it’s in there?’

My dh and I are both like this. I'm a fixer and he's a problem solver.
It's very difficult to change the habit of a lifetime, and requires a profound change in how you approach things.
We try to remember to just listen, and will ask 'do you just want a listening ear or practical help?'
That way we know the expectation and can adjust accordingly. It's not easy, though, and requires a conscious effort.

I've been with DH for 50 years and never quite realised that this is what he does. Both DC are exactly the same. I have loads of health problems and sometimes when I feel absolutely shit I just want sympathy not solutions (all of which I will have tried).

Having said all that I'm probably guilty of the same.

When I do this, I am capable of solving the problem myself, so it can be a bit patronising to offer me solutions that I've probably identified already. I just want someone to listen and to say "Yes, it's shit, isn't it, poor you", then I can move on and get on with it. It's about being heard, more than anything else.

I’m with your DH. Nothing more frustrating than listening to someone moan when there ARE solutions. Fair enough if not, and happy to sympathise in that case, but I can’t fathom the energy people waste on moaning when that could go to problem solving this fixing the core of the issue.

DH is like you however, but he has learnt not to come to me with it unless he’s absolutely sure there is no fix (and on occasion he’s got that wrong🤣), as while I would sit there and nod and do the sympathy sound, he knows I’m absolutely busting inside, like a form of torture. Most of our (adult) kids are like me in this regard but one takes after him, which is great actually as they can indulge each other😆.

It really depends on how much you’re venting about things. Personally i couldn’t listen to someone complain about the same thing regularly and just nod and chip in ‘that’s so hard’ if they weren’t attempting to take any steps to fix it.

I’m very solution driven and it’s linked to my childhood trauma. I have to fix/solve … to keep the peace.

The from Mars women from Venus covers this very situation

But if you can solve it, it’s generally doesn’t have to be that shit?

Most men are like this! I just want my DP to say “aw I know love.” Or something. But he tries to solve it and give me solutions, no I just want you to sympathise with me and say something nice to cheer me up!

There are plenty of women here saying they do the same thing, so it really isn't a male vs female thing. Most things aren't, which is why that book is a bit rubbish.

Tell him. I told mine, it made a massive difference. He was genuinely astonished that I wasn’t asking for his input and help.

Although he has scars on his tongue from biting it at times.

What happens when you say this out loud?

Always works for me if I communicate clearly what I need from my partner. He does it.