To wish DH would sometimes empathise and not just look for the solution?

[Hoypolliu]

Before I start this post I just want to say, I’m happy in my marriage, and DH is a great husband and father to our kids. However, one thing is starting to bother me, and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.

DH is a very practical, problem solver type person. When something goes wrong, he’s unphased and looks immediately for the solution. He’s extremely resilient, has a stressful job that he manages well and maintains a good work life balance.

However, sometimes, when I’ve had a bad day or a disappointment, or just want a whinge, I don’t want solutions, I just want someone to empathise and agree with me that it’s shit. He listens but immediately launches into finding a way forward. It sometimes feels a bit dismissive, but it’s like the only thing he knows how to do is help resolve things. He doesn’t do navel gazing and he’s always so measured and reasonable.

I don’t know why this has only just started to bother me, we’ve been together for over a decade. However, I’m not sure how to raise it without sounding ungrateful for the practical support that he’s very good at providing.

Am I asking too much and being unreasonable?

I agree with, at times DH and I may have the odd moan to each other as a one off but I won't inflict contstant moaning/complaining to others so won't expect it in return

It is tiresome to have to listen to someone constantly complain about the same thing or people and never do anything to fix the situation and yes I am female

I understand why you are frustrated, but you need to tell him. So when you start the rant, begin with 'not looking for solutions, just need to rant to my husband about this', or something along those lines.

It can be a neurodiverse thing, or it may just be his personality, but its definitely not uncommon. Just a little different communication needed

This with bells on!
Misery loves company, stay away from me 😁

I don't anymore, but yes I have in the past, when he asked me "how is work going".

See, this is a good example of exactly what I'm saying. This happened to me and it was annoying, not a big deal though, and I don't do it anymore. Obviously I have come up with this solution myself and implemented it, as I'm not stupid. But you've jumped on me to say "well why did you even do that?". It's in the past, it can't be changed now unless you have a time machine.

It’s really not. I’m the problem solver and have to consciously remember to ask how someone is etc. Whereas my DP is full of empathy.

I'm a problem solver. I think it's because I get bored of people whinging about things and then doing nothing about it. Equally I don't off load into others. I can and do genuinely listen if there is a real issue but whining about work I just switch off!

But that's not the real problem is it, so your "solution" shows that you haven't really heard or understood what I'm saying. Obviously I don't talk to my dad anymore about such things, so I've already come up with that as anyone would have. But it doesn't change the real problem, does it. The real problem this example shows is that my dad was a bit rude to me, and further more that he's quite arrogant, thinks I'm a bit stupid, and doesn't listen to me. So simply saying "well why did you even tell him" isnt helping.

Now my problem isn't a big deal, I just mentioning it because it's the topic of the thread. But you can see why this type of thing can be annoying.

you are describing all men, that is how they work, they problem solve. if you want empathy you need to either get a gay best mate or become a lesbian. as that's just men. they think they are helping but we want compassion etc etc. you just have to say i don't need you to fix it i just need to feel understood and he will look at you confussed

If you read Men are from Mars book they talk about this. They say men are ‘Mr Fix it.’

My husband would probably say this of me. I do sympathise but then will pivot to finding solutions. If there is a problem it needs a solution. Then everyone is happier.

Often, problem-solver types are practical but have low emotional intelligence. That’s why they respond like this - and why they’re not capable of solving emotional and inter-personal problems. They lack the capacity. Their so-called solutions are often very stupid because they haven’t understood the problem.

So I don’t recognise the dichotomy presented by lots of respondents between ‘whine and solve’, with the implication that there is usually an obvious practical solution.

In practice this is often experienced as ‘spout irrelevant bollocks, diverting from the subject at hand’, because the ‘problem-solver’ fails to recognise their own failure to understand the problem. Rather than seek understanding, by asking perceptive questions and listening to the answers, they just indulge their own desire to talk.

I’m very much a problem solver: as a teenager, I remember sneering at my mum when she had a whinge, when the practical solution was obvious. I didn’t learn until much later that sometimes, people just want their feelings acknowledged. I remember also feeling perplexed as a child if I had a rant, and adults showed sympathy, but did nothing.

I once had the very unusual situation of my vicar (quite a bit older than me) suddenly pouring his heart out to me about one of his adult children doing nothing with his life, when we happened to be alone together. Normally, I’m very much a problem solver, but I didn’t have any advice at all, not being a parent, and perhaps I was silenced by the unusual situation. At the end he just said “thank you for listening”. Later, I did chat to his son, and it all had a happy ending, but I think I learned quite a bit about people from that episode.

This is why women need female friendships.

You can try and tell them, and my husband is definitely getting better the older we get, but it's not the same 😂

I think this issue is exacerbated because emotional and social intelligence are not formally recognised or developed in the way that mathematical and logical intelligence are. So people lack awareness of their own ability and level of development in these areas.

If you’d barely scraped a GCSE maths pass then attended a university maths lecture you’d know you were completely out of your depth. Everything would be just words and symbols with no recognisable meaning. You’d get bored fast but would probably recognise the deficit as lying within yourself, rather than jumping in to ‘problem solve’ by saying ‘look, it’s either positive or negative, big or small, just do the sums and there’s your answer’, or ‘just ask the teacher’.

In contrast, people ill-equipped to scrape a pass in
social and emotional comprehension, who were never even given the opportunity to take that GCSE, are quite happy to hear a complex emotional, inter-personal problem and leap in feet first with an imperceptive, utterly irrelevant ‘solution’.

Their tin-ear extends beyond their approach to responding, to their inability to recognise the type of problem they’re being presented with.

As with maths, most people have some innate ability which could be developed through education. Whether they want to develop this ability is another question. Many happily revel in their ignorance.

This jn.my opinion is a major difference generally between.me and women. I have 3 brothers and a sister if I speak to any of my brothers about anything it results in an attempt to resolve the issue. My sister will.listen

It took me until my early 40s to realise, sometimes people moan because they want empathy and care, not advice 😳

My parents always tried to provide solutions whenever I felt sad about anything and I simply thought that was why people went to others when they wanted to moan - because they didn’t want to be in that situation any more and wanted help/ support in getting out of it.

I understand having a rant at a tricky situation, eg “this such and such is doing my head in, this is so annoying!” Before moving on. But an extended moan about something without wanting it to be fixed or helped… again, this could be a result of having family who were solutions-oriented but lengthy moaning for the sake of it always just felt one-sided and self indulgent to me.

My exH did this OP. He could never simply listen. It created a big wedge of misunderstanding between us as I ended up keeping my upsets and worries to myself. I wanted emotional support not a solution because very often there was none.

Very well said @lottiegarbanzothat's exactly what it is.

No one ever pulls a person to the side and tells them what they need to work on. Instead people stay blind to their own shortcomings and often are complained or even laughed about behind their backs. It's unfair really, I agree it should be focused on with workshops or something in school. How to read the room, appropriate language, tone of voice, when to interject and when to pause.

Your husband sounds like me in my relationship.
Trying to find a solution isn't dismissive, it's his way of trying to alleviate your distress by trying to fix or repair what is troubling you.

Here’s a suggestion ( see I can’t help it )

you don’t want solutions just sympathy - say so

better “I know what I need to do I just feel sad about it “

Yes I'm solution focused too. I get really irritated when people just want to moan on when there's usually (not always) a solution. I feel they're just wasting my time. Obviously my approach is different if it's a bereavement and I'm a good and empathetic listener!

I'm a problem solver and DH likes to moan for the sake of it.

I moan too, but I'd be wanting a solution whereas DH will just nod along and I get frustrated.

He gets frustrated at me interrupting his moans with solutions.

We can laugh about it now and tell each other what we need in that moment.

It's absolutely a male thing . One of the differences between men and women .

I'm one of three - sister 1 is empathy, I am strategy and sister 2 is distraction! 🤣
It is a good combination when you get it right!

Another that disagrees with the "male" trait, my partner and I are both like this. I'm mum says I'm the one she calls when she needs something to get done. She has chronic pain following a back injury a few years ago if she call sister 1 on a bad day she gets empathy and told how hard it must be, sister 2 tells her all about her bad day or something vaguely related to pain she had read about, I ask about pain relief and order her her the medicated cream that helps but she never replaces when its finished and chase up her physio referral.

My dad is the same as me though and sometimes his work around solutions make life harder and he has to be talked down to something more reasonable.

I think there are pros and cons with all approaches the trick is pick up the cues for what response is the most helpful in the short and long term.

Some of the problem solvers on this thread come across as a little self-righteous. Every reasonable person recognises the extremes when solutions are not possible. Only a jerk would come up with advice when presented with a problem like: ‘My friend died, and I miss her so much’. Only an insensitive person would fail to understand that for some people talking about a dead friend might be helpful at times.

The problem with solutions to smaller issues is often that the ideas are often useless for one reason or another, and the person with the problem ends up having to explain why each proffered solution is unworkable- a frustrating and demoralising process, not helpful at all.