To wish DH would sometimes empathise and not just look for the solution?

[Hoypolliu]

Before I start this post I just want to say, I’m happy in my marriage, and DH is a great husband and father to our kids. However, one thing is starting to bother me, and I’m not sure if I’m being unreasonable.

DH is a very practical, problem solver type person. When something goes wrong, he’s unphased and looks immediately for the solution. He’s extremely resilient, has a stressful job that he manages well and maintains a good work life balance.

However, sometimes, when I’ve had a bad day or a disappointment, or just want a whinge, I don’t want solutions, I just want someone to empathise and agree with me that it’s shit. He listens but immediately launches into finding a way forward. It sometimes feels a bit dismissive, but it’s like the only thing he knows how to do is help resolve things. He doesn’t do navel gazing and he’s always so measured and reasonable.

I don’t know why this has only just started to bother me, we’ve been together for over a decade. However, I’m not sure how to raise it without sounding ungrateful for the practical support that he’s very good at providing.

Am I asking too much and being unreasonable?

Obviously some problems don't have solutions.

But if yours does, why wouldn't you want to find it and rid yourself of the problem?

I’m a solver too, and equally if I’m talking to someone about an issue then I am looking for advice on solutions.

You have to learn to read the vibe.

Because some solvers have such a preference for solving that they will come out with ridiculous suggestions for a solution rather accept that there might not be a solution.

I'm another female problem solver who doesn't see much point in moaning but not trying to do something constructive about the issue. I didn't realise wanting to 'just have a moan' was even a thing until people on here said so.

I’m the problem solver in our house (and at work). Like a PP I don’t see the point in just moaning about something if that something can be fixed. DH moans daily about the road mirror to aid getting out of our blind exit lane not being good enough, so I’ve started making enquires as to how we get it replaced…

ETA it probably stems from growing up with my Mother & Grandmother who did nothing but moan. Like it was a competitive sport.

You’re incompatible. Neither of you are wrong.

I am like your DH. I can’t stand it when someone just wants to dump a load of emotional shit on me and I am not permitted to point out a simple solution.

I can only speak from my experience - as I noted. My DH does it, as do my DF and DB and my male colleagues. The women in my life listen and empathise. The men don’t.

As a fixer, it depends how often you complain and about what. Big stuff, there. Little stuff, deal. Occasionally, there, yes, shit happens. Daily pissing and moaning about every little thing, I'll find something to do elsewhere. If it's fixable, offering solutions is them engaging.

People who complain a lot or do the just venting a lot need to ask themselves what about the person listening? Constant complaining and venting is draining to listen to and you can't empathize when you're drained.

My husband was the same. But over the last 30 years he has learnt that I just want to moan!

This is the way to approach it. My wife and I will preface conversations like this by saying “I just need a rant” or “I’m not looking for solutions, I just need to talk this out”. He’s not a mind reader, so speak to him about it and say that you would like to try a new approach (don’t do it in the middle of one of these type of conversations, bring it up outside of that).

People who complain a lot or do the just venting a lot need to ask themselves what about the person listening? Constant complaining and venting is draining to listen to and you can't empathize when you're drained

You're right about this. I have a friend who's a real Negative Nelly who expresses dissatisfaction with everything she encounters. You'll go on a day out and she'll complain about food, minor transport delays, too hot/cold/tired, etc etc such that by the end of the day I'll be wanting to scream at her to shut the fuck up. Then she'll say 'today was fun, I had a great time'

Clearly you are wired differently. Neither are wrong.

You'll need to be more explicit when you talk to him - tell him that you're not looking for a solution or his opinion just a connection or a hug - and then tell him what you want to say.

It's a PITA but you can't change him.

This.

I think I’m lucky that nine times out of ten, when people talk to me about a problem, they are looking for a solution. That, or they know I’m not the appropriate audience if they want to complain for the sake of it.

It can be especially frustrating when people complain about something that invariably can be solved quite easily, but then they just…don’t do anything to solve it. They just keep complaining.

She probably did. Some people enjoy complaining!

Ah yeah I find it soooo irritating when people do this, they need to listen to the chimp management program! Of course we want help solving a problem but not before a quick "poor you, that's shit" to ease our anxiety. Just tell him what you have said on hear, he is only doing what HE thinks is the correct response, everyone is different, i need sympathy too! Just explain that to him 🤗

That could well be it, I did read that book ages ago.

Thing is, I don't want to listen to moaning and venting. Why should I have to?

Because part of caring about someone is listening to them moaning sometimes- and empathising with them!

You are being unreasonable because he's not a mind reader.

Be clear why you are telling him about the problem. "I am looking for solutions" and "I just want you to listen and sympathise" are the two options. It's just clear communication.

There has to be a balance, no one wants to be the recipient of constant moaning and negativity. On the other hand close relationships aren't always sunshine and rainbows and your partner or good friend should feel able express negative emotions and get some sympathy rather than being shut down or fobbed off.

But working out a solution demonstrates empathy surely ? If he didn’t think it mattered he wouldn’t make the effort - the thinking is saying “gosh that’s hard how can I help “

I have very limited sympathy for moaners - it drives me up the wall, especially when they moan about the same thing over and over again, without even attempting to find a solution.

DH is a moaner, I'm a problem solver.

Don’t ask a cat to provide a dog-like experience. And then get pissed off at the cat for not being doggy enough. 🦉😉

I’m female, but do tend to go all “let’s find the trade-off you can live with best” when presented with problems. Mostly because that’s what I want if offering up a problem of my own. Otherwise I wouldn’t be telling somebody about it.

Some people are good at listening and being empathetic, while leaving you exactly where you are in your distress Others will see your distress and desperately want to alleviate said distress because they don’t want you in distress.

Got to pick the right person, with the tight toolbox, for the job you want done. No one human can be All The Things for another human. They will be blessed with some attributes, and not so much with others.

If you want to dump it out so it leaves your head,and gives you some peace, until such time as you can find your own trade-off… writing it down really helps. Doesn’t have to be tidy, or even complete sentences. But it really helps to get feelings to exit the brain and taking up more space than they deserve, or really need.

No pen and paper has ever butted in with opinions about how you should handle the content of the brain-dump. Digital devices these day…. less good with AI liberally peppered through every innocent looking app.

Huge hug, cos I get it, even though I’m on the other side of it. DH is vastly empathetic, but wouldn’t be able to spot an obvious trade-off if it was waving a flag yelling “I AM AN OBVIOUS TRADE OFF IN YOUR COUNTRY/CULTURE ! TELL THE POOR WOMAN!”

I think it depends what kinds of solutions are offered. Unfortunately it's often really simple ones that you've obviously thought of and tried (the solver must think you are a bit stupid), or there genuinely isn't a solution (for example, the problem occurred in the past and can't be changed).

My dad is a great example. He loves to give me solutions for any work problem I may have, along with an eye roll for me not following his advice. But his "solutions" don't make any sense - no suprise as he never worked in my field, or any related field, and hasn't interacted with this field at all even as a client. But despite this, he thinks he knows it better than me although I've got more than 20 years of experience.

See, I would then ask - why are you telling your dad about your work problems if you know he's not going to provide you with ether sympathy or a solution?