To try for baby (boy) #5?

[TrueViper]

Im 28 and my partner is 27. We have 4 boys. 8, 6 (7 in Dec), 4 and 23 months. My last pregnancy was tough and we were firmly done after he was born

Then at the start of the year we talked and we were more leaning towards baby 5 over being done but we didnt want another winter baby if we could avoid it (obviously we wouldnt have been able to fully plan) and we agreed to talk about it later in the year. We homeschool and back in January was a real struggle with homeschooling the older 2, and keeping the baby entertained he was 16 months and it was HARD because he wanted to be into everything. Also we had bug after bug and it was just not a fun time.

I then had a pregnancy scare in February that seemed to make me feel we were done but maybe because of all the stress. But now the time has gone on and I want another baby, my older 2 are going to school which is their choice so they’re starting year 4 and year 2, part of me is anxious they’ll hate it (i had bad experiences in school) but i’m happy they’re willing to try, they’re sociable children and are part of a football club and recently did a summer sports camp and we were part of a homeschooling group where we met up once a week

If they’re going to school I feel I would be able to handle baby #5, especially as there’d be over a 2.5 year age gap if we got pregnant straight away.

It’s not any of the ridiculousness about us wanting a girl as we’d likely have another boy anyway (hence the title)

WWYD?

I don’t get this at all. I can’t see what possible benefit more children would bring to anyone’s daily life. Not just in the practical sense (have you worked out how you’d pay for 5 sets of uni fees), but also how you’d plan emotionally to meet the needs of all the kids. In most families I know of this size the older kids end up looking after the younger ones and not all
of them love it. The kids often have a bit of a chaotic home life too- which the parents almost actively cultivate- but I’m not sure the kids really enjoy (most I’ve met want their own room, clean towels, new clothes and a bit of peace!).

Also without wishing to sound unduly negative, with 4 healthy boys don’t you think you’re pushing it already? What if the next child had significant SEN, or it became apparent that the older kids need more support? Could you happily cope in those circumstances?

Is there a danger that you’re defining yourself either by being a mother of small children and/ or a certain “lifestyle vibe” and don’t want to let that idea of yourself go?

Personally I would quit whilst I was ahead.

this. Do you want another child or another baby?

Children absolutely loathe being forced into parental/caring roles and become deeply resentful of it. I've never, not once ever, heard anyone or even heard of anyone who said "Oh yeah, I was the oldest of 5/6/7/whatever and helped out all the time, it was great, loved it, never minded missing out on all the freedom and fun my friends who weren't unpaid babysitters had".

And no, your children agreeing with you right now because that's all they know doesn't mean they are consenting to this, they are being compelled.

Unless you're very wealthy and have staff, your children are already being forced to take on some of your parental duties. It will only get more burdensome for them with another child with whom they're forced to share resources.

Do you actually want another child or are you just sad at the thought of never experiencing pregnancy again? Or are you, deep down,hoping for a girl this time?

Babies are cheap. Teens/ young adults are so expensive. Especially if you want them to go to university.
Do you have parents? My in laws had a stroke and heart attack in late 50s and need a lot of help. Your next child may be disabled. Or one of them may become disabled. You may divorce or become widowed or both unemployed.

And yes do not underestimate how much time and effort goes into school! I swear some terms I am in school every week for something, sometimes 2, 3 times. There is a huge amount of admin and not all parents are on top of it, but if you want your kids to do well it’s a good idea to do as much as you can. Think assemblies, homework, clubs, swimming, dinners, school events (Christmas is brutal), fairs, then the out of school stuff like play dates, parties etc. Yes of course not obligatory but if your kids are joining later in school they might need even more help settling in. I wouldn’t fancy doing this whilst dragging around 2 toddlers and either ill with a pregnancy or with a tiny newborn.

Do you want to be responsible for another child until adulthood?

Do you have the skills/knowledge to homeschool so many? Is there a plan to send them to school at any point?

Are your current children reaching the expected educational milestones?

I mean once you hit 4 you're already firmly outnumbered and exhausted so I don't think 5 is going to be the straw that breaks your back if it's not already broken. I'd make the decision based on things like transport and housing and whether you'd be willing to accept the risk of multiples, or a disabled 5th baby.

Four is enough but was a big financial leap compared to three when I was a growing up as my parents needed to get a people carrier rather than a normal 5 seater car, they had to remortgage to fund an extension so we had enough bedrooms (yes we shared when younger, it's not a big house, two of the bedrooms are single bed size only).

As someone else has mentioned, little cute babies become toddlers, become school kids, become teenagers, become young adults. Do you want to be able to afford to pay for a meal out for your whole family when they're all teenagers? Do you want to be able to support them financially with future big decisions like uni, weddings, travel, training, driving lessons?

I stopped after two pregnancies as I also had a step child in the mix and it was the right decision for our family finances then and still is.

Your last pregnancy was tough, do you really want to go through that again when you already have four children?

Just because you could doesn't mean you should. I loved having young children and I was really sad when that stage was over but guess what? There are a whole range of other ages and stages and I still love and enjoy my kids now that they're all teenagers.

I'd say love and enjoy the children that you have now, focus on them. Find the joy in your evolving family. Let it grow in experiences not in numbers of people.

It's pretty risky if you want another boy, as 50% chance it will be a girl.

As others have said, I would stick with 4.
You have said you had a difficult pregnancy. You have children going to school and you are concerned how they will get on, it may not suit them, you may be back to home schooling.

Finances is the other side of it, I presume only 1 of you is working if homeschooling? I presume your partner is an extremely high earner to be able to afford 4 children - and this usually comes with very long hours so you are sole parenting for much of the time, which is tough on you, and on the children to an extent, to not be able to have any 1 to 1 time with you.

Can you afford to feed, clothe and care for 5 children?

Why and where will it end

Friends exactly in your situation with 4 boys decided to go for just one more - and ended up with twin baby boys! So I guess consider every eventuality.

Dont think she is saying she doesnt want a girl, just that she is not doing it to try for a girl which is what a lot of people will assume is her motivation.

I can’t resist saying that I know many large families - it’s normal in the circle I mix with, and most of the older ones love it and grow up such kind, caring young people.

This is just intended to give another point of view. I have six children, and now 13, nearly 15, grandchildren, and wouldn’t change a thing and nor would any of the family.

Personally, I’d stick with four. With two going to school you’ll be doing school runs and on the party and play-date circuit, as well as activities and sports.

Regular seven seater cars are fine when children are small but quite squashed as children get older with two in the third row.

Could your home accommodate five children - two or three to a room as toddlers/young children is fine but as they age, they’ll want their own space/space to study/space to hang out with friends. Then the usual teenage expenses, support with university costs perhaps. Don’t underestimate the amount of food teenagers can get through. In a few years you might find yourself yearning to return to employment/have more time to yourself.

That’s exactly what happened to us, but the twins were a boy and a girl! She’s now a wonderful daughter and a happy mum to four young children.

Number four tipped me over the edge.
i love my children dearly
but in hindsight , I would have stopped at two as the worry and problems don’t stop as they get older. The problems don’t go away, they just change into different problems.

for your own health and sanity. Don’t have any more

I’ve three children and will polish my halo and say they too are lovely, kind caring people.

I have 3 but wanted a 4th for a long time. Dh wasn't keen which is why it didn't happen. Now my children are past the baby/toddler/young school age am so happy we didn't. This week alone we had to fork out 1k for a school trip ( 4 nights to be fair) and new clothes for all 3. Not to mention my dd is now in her exam years which is proving stressful already two weeks in.

Stick to four! Why?

• you had a difficult last pregnancy. Another one could be worse - and you have four children who you need to think of if you were to suffer harm in another pregnancy
• you are your own person. You’re more than a mum. You don’t need a baby at home with you to have worth
• you already have to share your love between four children. You won’t ever be able to give them as much love if you have another baby
• another baby will take money from your existing children
• your older children will resent the attention you have to give to a new baby and toddler
• you need to move on to the next stage of being a parent as your existing children grow, not be stuck in baby mode
• you will miss out on your older children reaching milestones because you’ll be distracted by a baby/toddler
• you could have a prolapse. I say that because when I had my second DC I was in hospital with a lady who’d just had their 5th child and had a prolapse. The midwife didn’t seem surprised.

Support your existing children as they move forward in life, and get out and live your life.

You talk as if you are shopping for another handbag or pair of shoes. Seems you are just in love with the idea of pregnancy and babies rather than family and enjoying what you have.

"But now the time has gone on and I want another baby"

Why?!

Add to that driving lessons, cars, rent/house deposit. I struggle with just two! Lord knows how parents of 4 or 5 fund all this!