To try for baby (boy) #5?

[TrueViper]

Im 28 and my partner is 27. We have 4 boys. 8, 6 (7 in Dec), 4 and 23 months. My last pregnancy was tough and we were firmly done after he was born

Then at the start of the year we talked and we were more leaning towards baby 5 over being done but we didnt want another winter baby if we could avoid it (obviously we wouldnt have been able to fully plan) and we agreed to talk about it later in the year. We homeschool and back in January was a real struggle with homeschooling the older 2, and keeping the baby entertained he was 16 months and it was HARD because he wanted to be into everything. Also we had bug after bug and it was just not a fun time.

I then had a pregnancy scare in February that seemed to make me feel we were done but maybe because of all the stress. But now the time has gone on and I want another baby, my older 2 are going to school which is their choice so they’re starting year 4 and year 2, part of me is anxious they’ll hate it (i had bad experiences in school) but i’m happy they’re willing to try, they’re sociable children and are part of a football club and recently did a summer sports camp and we were part of a homeschooling group where we met up once a week

If they’re going to school I feel I would be able to handle baby #5, especially as there’d be over a 2.5 year age gap if we got pregnant straight away.

It’s not any of the ridiculousness about us wanting a girl as we’d likely have another boy anyway (hence the title)

WWYD?

I can't think of anything polite to say

The house was inherited and we live in a relatively cheap area of the UK. As I said we both wanted a big family. I was 1 of 5 and loved it, whereas my partner just had a brother and they were never close and still aren’t so i know you can’t base your own experiences on how many kids to have but it felt right for us.

Our first was unplanned we weren’t together long at all but we’ve now been together 9 years and that put uni on hold but I know i can do a course if i really want to on open university or something in the future, right now i’m happy raising our children

We aren’t religious, i had bad experiences in school and I feel the school system isn’t for every child especially when they’re as young as 4, which is just my opinion. I never refused to send them ever which is why Im happy for my older 2 to go now it’s their choice

None of our children have sen

We are engaged but our wedding is likely to be just at a registry office as neither of us want a huge wedding especially when we can use the money for other things

Blimey. What jobs do you have that you can afford 5 kids with all the time off for maternity leave? Genuinely interested.

Most in our circle earn 6 figures and are stopping at two because of affordability.

Children get more expensive when they get older as they want more tech. It depends on your lifestyle OP.
While having a baby is lovely, you are extending the time in which you can't do lots of things with older kids. A 5th baby may delay all sorts of other adventures, not just affordability wise, but being able to see the world and have the kids enjoy it too, being present with them and enjoying each stage of childhood.

Plus at some point they'll all have 2-3 hobbies/activities each. Swimming, football etc and if one of them is musical start saving now!

From the kids perspective it really depends. How have the eldest taken to having a new addition every couple of years? It's nice for them to have a little gang but I would also want to actually spend a few years with my older kids having me for a bit. Babies take up a lot of emotional space in the household.

You have 4 healthy children and if I were you then I’d count my blessings and stick to what you’ve got. You could revisit a fifth baby in years to come - you’re still young.

It's pretty obvious. Mum and dad didn't go to uni. Mum has never (or barely) worked. Attention, money, time, effort split between at least four children (could be 5 or 6 by the time the eldest is 18). Parents will almost definitely not be able to financially support children in higher education etc etc.

Oh, no. I couldn't do it. Having twins was enough for me.

Who inherited the house? Clearly you’re partner if you are one of 5 so there’s no ‘we’.

It's so funny because I assumed she was a bit of a kept lady but the responses from others make it sound more like Shameless.

@GoldenSandy OP has written she's unemployed and her boyfriend is a fireman.

Four children on a firefighter's wage. I presume you're claiming benefits @TrueViper ?

Five is a lot of children and if you aren’t working your household income can’t be much on your partner’s salary. You’re also very young still - most women these days haven’t even had one baby by 28 let alone 4. You have another 10 years to decide if you want another child, why not wait a bit?

Most in our circle earn 6 figures and are stopping at two because of affordability.

You realise that most people don't have a 6 figure income and manage to raise a family quite well. Always baffled at how so many people know the household incomes of their friends.

OP says she lives in a cheaper part of the UK and that they don't have a mortgage.

Why would you presume that? Someone in a role earning 40k who owns property and without rent or childcare costs is unlikely to receive universal credit.

40K isn't much to support a 6-person household.

I'm a bit concerned about you, @TrueViper. You're not even 30, you're not married (yet!), you're not really working and you seem to basing your whole sense of being on producing and caring for babies and children. Your family is not super wealthy and your 4-bed house is going to become cramped very soon as your children grow older and want their own spaces. I've no idea what your finances are, but a fireman's wages are going to be under £50k unless he's got some sort of senior managerial position. So unless you've been gifted inheritances or something that has allowed you to pay off your mortgage, you will find it financially difficult (as your 4 lovely boys grow) to feed and clothe and provide for their sports and hobbies that becomes more expensive the older and bigger they get. And then there will be university fees (for two of them at least in quick succession) you'll need to have saved for.

This, of course, assumes that everything in your marriage goes wonderfully smooth for the next 3-4 decades. If it doesn't, or even if you find yourself widowed at some point in the future, are you prepared to be a single mother to 5 children? Where in your plan for what your future life looks like are you developing skills to be able to provide for yourself and your children should that happen?

I think you (and your partner) are being a bit selfish and naive in wanting another child in your circumstances.

That doesn’t mean it’s low enough to claim benefits. And it goes significantly further without housing costs.

I'm curious how you inherited a house if you're one of 5. Were there 4 other houses to go round, or do you have 4 really pissed off siblings?

If it's his house, that doesn't count. It's not yours.

You've still not said why you want 5 children, and why 4 isn't deemed enough.

I dunno man, there's so many reasons not to have 5 kids. It's why people don't do it.

I find it difficult to understand the urgency around having a large family, particularly when marriage is not yet part of the arrangement.

It may be worth carefully considering the potential implications.

I don't know the thresholds.

Reading after school. Making them sit down to practise spellings every day. Making them brush their teeth every morning and evening. Making them eat their food without being wrigglebums. Homework. Table manners. Ps & Qs. Thank you letters. Exam revision. Skin problems. Girl problems. Growing 6 inches in 3 months. Haircuts. Sports kit. Being cross with them. Adoring them. Feeding them, feeding their friends. Making them change their sheets. Making them vacuum their rooms. Driving them places. Paying for everything. Driving lessons are £40 an hour I believe.
Times 5. FIVE.
[Faints]

Omg it's this isn't it. This. No.

Since they scrapped the 2 child limit, I think this household will get about 1K UC.
OP would need to start looking for work once youngest is a certain age.

Then why would you “presume” they were claiming benefits in the first place?

It will 100% look to outsiders that you’re doing it because you want a girl and that you don’t want to have to work.

I personally don’t think it’s fair on the kids.
Even with 4 kids it must be a struggle to get quality 1-1 time alone with each of them.

You’re not thinking about the kids, you’re thinking about yourself.
I think you should prioritise the kids you’ve already have.

Theres nothing wrong with not going to uni but you are making massive and quite unpleasent assumptions that these very young children are clearly ( in your opnion ) not cut out for Uni