To try for baby (boy) #5?

[TrueViper]

Im 28 and my partner is 27. We have 4 boys. 8, 6 (7 in Dec), 4 and 23 months. My last pregnancy was tough and we were firmly done after he was born

Then at the start of the year we talked and we were more leaning towards baby 5 over being done but we didnt want another winter baby if we could avoid it (obviously we wouldnt have been able to fully plan) and we agreed to talk about it later in the year. We homeschool and back in January was a real struggle with homeschooling the older 2, and keeping the baby entertained he was 16 months and it was HARD because he wanted to be into everything. Also we had bug after bug and it was just not a fun time.

I then had a pregnancy scare in February that seemed to make me feel we were done but maybe because of all the stress. But now the time has gone on and I want another baby, my older 2 are going to school which is their choice so they’re starting year 4 and year 2, part of me is anxious they’ll hate it (i had bad experiences in school) but i’m happy they’re willing to try, they’re sociable children and are part of a football club and recently did a summer sports camp and we were part of a homeschooling group where we met up once a week

If they’re going to school I feel I would be able to handle baby #5, especially as there’d be over a 2.5 year age gap if we got pregnant straight away.

It’s not any of the ridiculousness about us wanting a girl as we’d likely have another boy anyway (hence the title)

WWYD?

Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

You must be absolutely loaded. We both earn well and two is a big outlay especially post 16 - but 5?!

This is tedious. I'm not sure why you're pestering me about a completely correct word, but I won't be reading any comments from you.
She has no employer, she chose to have lots of kids and parents them. This does not require repeated comments droning on at me.

It very much does matter, as women keep finding out.

She is NOT automatically entititled to the same share of his estate or parental financal responsibility if they're not married. That's why so many men don't want to get married to the women they father children with.

It suits people not to get married if they want to ring fence their own assets. She has nothing and doesn't even work (I mean her life is one long slog with four kids but she gets paid zip for it), she is desperately dependent on him. Getting married is an absolute must for her.

God, I had no idea women were so clueless about this until I kept coming across comments on this site. This is just the first page that popped up on a quick search. "Getting married changes your legal and financial position in ways that living together, however long, simply does not. In England and Wales, there is no such thing as “common-law marriage”, so the rights a spouse obtains on the wedding day are not available to an unmarried partner at all."

No automatic Inheritance share if partner dies without a will while unmarried. No tax-free transfer of assets between you. No automatic next of kin status. No automatic claim on pension when he leaves if unmarried. No automatic financial settlement powers if he deserts you if unmarried. No automatic child payments, she will have to claim child support for each separately.

Yes, it matters immensely.

It's also a huge red flag that he's happy to take all the benefits of being a husband without actually being one.

5 kids on a firefighter’s salary? That’s insane.

Not once their kids are in school they don’t … anyway I’d rather pay for my own kids than sponge off the state!

OP you need to get married ASAP.

If something happened to your partner you would have no home, no income, and four children to look after full time and support. You really need to stop thinking about having another baby and protect those you do have by getting a marriage certificate! You're in a very vulnerable position

Yes and always get plenty of one to one time with their parents and never miss out on anything because of their siblings

What would you do if baby number 5 turned out to have disabilities? I had 3 healthy, happy ND children, unfortunately I had a non consensual pregnancy thrust on me, and poor little one has so many physical health problems our life has been nothing but a struggle. No one wants to think about these things. But if you're reasoning you "should be able to cope if the older kids are in school" it suggests, you're picturing that it's going to be a cut and dry case. Just here to offer insight to the fact, you never know what you're going to get. Oh and DS4s pregnancy triggered an auto immune disorder in myself, and it happens frequently, pregnancy is a massive trigger risk for autoimmune disorders. I had to stay in the hospital the entire pregnancy and I've completely lost my upright capacity after about ten steps by 18 months old.. so now have to pay 800 per month on childcare for DS4 but admittedly I am a solo parent, could you cope if this happened to you? Even with kids in school it sounds like you're very reliant on the other kids being out to be able to manage. Every child you have puts you at more odds of experiencing illness/disability even though most people would never consider this angle when planning for future children. X

But they would also receive that pension if they were in the UK. You’re not funding their move; the state pension wouldn’t cover those costs. They are paying for it from their occupational pension or other savings. They also paid taxes through their working lives for the pensions of the generation above them. I suspect OP has paid virtually no tax at all, since she has been a stay at home mum since the age of 20.

Don’t worry, OP knows the state will provide generously if that happens…

I can remember with clarity, my eldest sons response when we broke the news that a 5th sibling ( 5th boy) was on the way. His response was " oh! no, not another baby!"

I used to like watching 'The Waltons'. I always said this TV series should come with a warning, the reality of having a huge family does not always turn out the way you think and hope it will. The teenage years were very stressful. They all wanted the latest gadgets, modern clothes, shoes. All attended clubs, Judo, football, rugby. All this came at a cost.

I consider my husband and I were good parents. I qualified as a nurse and my husband had an excellent job that paid well.
The reality is, with the best will in the world, you can't possibly give all your children the attention they need, it's just not possible.

We did not pick up on or realise that our third child was struggling with mental health issues. He eventually estranged himself from his whole family and friends. The whole situation is really sad and I hope one day he will turn up.
Seriously consider the impact of having a 5th child will have on your partner and your children. When my husband was made redundant, the impact and stress was horrendous. I would not wish that on anyone. The future is never set in stone, please don't look at the future with rose tinted glasses as the reality you hope for, may not be the reality you end up with. I wish you luck whatever you decide.

What makes you think you'd "likely" have a boy? The odds will be 50-50, just like they were all the other times.

You already have twice as many children as the norm. What is making you want more?

Your poor children. I hope things work out in the best possible way 🙏🏼.

I think she doesn't want to have to retrain to make her way into paid employment, and would rather continue taking benefits. I also think she's incredibly short sighted and doesn't realise that 1 in 5 mean cheat and that men leave women high and dry every single day - and every last one of those women thought it would not happen to them.

And even if she's lucky in her relationship and he doesn't desert them or cheat on her and ruin their relationship, one of them might get sick, having four healthy kids is incredibly fortunate and rolling the dice one more time could be disastrous.

She should be organising their marriage so she can properly protect the kids she's already got and get herself into paid employment so her kids are not living hand to mouth on hand me downs instead of popping out another one.

But she won't. She'd decided before posting the thread.

OP, you've received a lot of advice especially around protecting your situation with marriage and I agree with this. But if you're still reading I just want to ask have you considered perhaps working in childcare or something similar? It can be daunting starting a career after years but it sounds like you'd be well suited to this. You can work with little ones which you clearly have a passion for and without the commitment of another mouth to feed etc long term. It would also be quite inspirational to your own children to show them that you can continue to do different things at different points in your life. I would consider it, at least.

I have five, but spread out. I think it’s utter folly to have 5 teenagers. The food! The space! The devices! The angst! Awful. The costs will be astronomical. I assume you have a high income but (I also do) that disappears into their bellies.

My mum had one boy and then six girls. OP is more likely to have another boy than a girl.

You might choose stress and craziness, but your boys might not like this at all. They have no choice.

God, I would hate that (shudder).

This must have been hard to write. Huge respect for your honesty and self-awareness. I really hope that your son finds his way home to you

I imagine the neighbours do too.

No, that's not how it works. The odds are 50-50 every time - sperm are half X chromosome and half Y. Imagine you get hundreds of people to toss a coin five times (or seven). Most people will get a mix of heads and tails, but you're going to get a few who have a run of one or the other. The results have nothing to do with any characteristics of the people.

Some men do produce a lot more male or female sperm. Indeed older dads are more likely to have girls. Do you really think she is not likely to have a boy?

I think this is a really important question and is actually a lot deeper than it seems on the surface.

Dig deep, OP. What’s this really about?

Yes, perhaps another baby rather than another child? Good advice to dig deep though.