To try for baby (boy) #5?

[TrueViper]

Im 28 and my partner is 27. We have 4 boys. 8, 6 (7 in Dec), 4 and 23 months. My last pregnancy was tough and we were firmly done after he was born

Then at the start of the year we talked and we were more leaning towards baby 5 over being done but we didnt want another winter baby if we could avoid it (obviously we wouldnt have been able to fully plan) and we agreed to talk about it later in the year. We homeschool and back in January was a real struggle with homeschooling the older 2, and keeping the baby entertained he was 16 months and it was HARD because he wanted to be into everything. Also we had bug after bug and it was just not a fun time.

I then had a pregnancy scare in February that seemed to make me feel we were done but maybe because of all the stress. But now the time has gone on and I want another baby, my older 2 are going to school which is their choice so they’re starting year 4 and year 2, part of me is anxious they’ll hate it (i had bad experiences in school) but i’m happy they’re willing to try, they’re sociable children and are part of a football club and recently did a summer sports camp and we were part of a homeschooling group where we met up once a week

If they’re going to school I feel I would be able to handle baby #5, especially as there’d be over a 2.5 year age gap if we got pregnant straight away.

It’s not any of the ridiculousness about us wanting a girl as we’d likely have another boy anyway (hence the title)

WWYD?

I had 3 children in my 20's and always thought i'd have 4, but after suffering a post birth haemorrhage I decided to not take the risk of another child but eventhough i'm 61 now, I still yearn for that 4th child.
If you think you & your family can cope with a new baby then do it while your still young & have the energy to cope with a busy family life.

An advantage, but not every parent is in a position to do so and it should not be the expectation. It is still possible for young people to obtain these things by their own efforts and not having everything handed to you on a plate encourages a good work ethic. It might take a little longer, but having patience, saving and making sacrifices for what you want generally makes you a more grateful, less entitled person.

Please get married asap.

It’s not just in case you get divorced.
Its also in case your DP dies (let’s be honest, he is doing a job more dangerous than most people do).

You really need to sort that side of things first.

Yes, this does happen to people to be fair…

Small kids small problems OP
Teens are hard and expensive!
I would focus on doing a course and returning to work.

We might have falling birth rates but across the world as a whole the population is still rising. There is a lot of talk about immigration now but levels of migration are nothing now compared to what they will be in the future when some parts of the world become inhospitable due to climate change.

@BuddyForeigner

you cannot speak for everyone. You don’t know. Holidays and nice clothes genuinely do make me
happy!

Ah no, count me wrong.

Definitely should marry ASAP in such situation.

It matters. Without marriage his support will be limited to the kids and based on his salary (not any savings). If he were, say, to remarry and take them 50% of the time the OP gets nothing. If the house is his and they are not married, the OP has no claim on it no matter how many children she has. If she is married it is the marital home and she does, even if its in his name.
If they are unmarried and break up in 10/20 years timethen, when the youngest child leaves home, the OP will not be entitled to anything from him, even if she's devoted the last 20 years to bringing up his children and has no pension. This happens to countless women every year.

He wouldn’t have to support the OP if they split up. We don’t have alimony in the country for married people, let alone unmarried ones.

He would have to pay an amount towards the upkeep of the children only if they live with their mother more than 50% of the time, and then only proportionally to the amount of additional time they spend with her above him.

Marriage would give her a claim on his house if they divorced - all assets are divided in half. At the moment, as an unmarried partner of a man who owns the house outright, she has no claim on the family home at all.

Women who abdicate financial responsibility for their home and family to a man need to be married to him to ensure her chances of surviving financially in the event of a split.

You’re not married, and the house is owned by your partner? Op, no one expects to split up, but you are in a really vulnerable financial position. Presumably you know he wouldn’t have to support you, only the children, and you have no claim on his house or other assets? It’s talked about on here enough! Surely four kids is enough? As others have said, they may be cheap now, but think about four teens? Going to college/uni? Etc. Maybe give it some time, think about getting married..

I agree, hobbies and days out are lovely, but not all kids have them.

I spent 22 years working with children in 4 different schools, in affluent areas, and still many children didn't have holidays, days out, or expensive hobbies. Some (too many) didn't have parents that read to them, or helped them with homework either.

More families than you'd think just don't have the money for any 'extras', and it wouldn't occur to them to go over homework with their kids.

Here's an example (from 15 years ago, but stuck in my mind): I was teaching a small, less academic class of 14 students, aged 14/15.
Their task was to plan a day out for 6 people with £500, including an activity, or maybe sightseeing, and food.
The school was 25 miles from London, our nation's capital - reachable by bus.

They did not know where to start.

None of them had ever been to London.
They had never eaten outside the home, except for McDonald's, or a relatives house.
They had never gone bowling, or to a climbing wall, or to soft play.

I had to rewrite the task.

Having a baby doesn’t cost much, particularly if you breastfeed, are a SAHM anyway, and have other children the same sex that you can pass clothes down to.

However, teenagers cost a fortune. You won’t be able to pass down any teenage boys clothes, they wreck them. They also don’t grow out of them as quickly. You can’t pass down any of their stuff either because they don’t grow out of their interests as quickly. And don’t get me started on how much pubescent boys eat!! I had my weekly Ocado delivery yesterday and half of it has disappeared and I only have 1 teenage boy!

Sounds like you have decided but just want affirmation from here

You had your first at 20 so you didn't go to university so that's not on your radar.

You want a big family. Four IS big.

If you have a fifth, is that big enough? Or would you carry on?

What if its twins?
What if this one has a life limiting medical issue?

Not sure what you really want from this thread because all your posts are about defending having a fifth.

OP, listen to the people saying that you need to marry urgently. It sounds like you won’t listen about not having a fifth child but you DO need to marry at once to protect yourself and your children.

We see it over and over and over again on here: men that have settled and had children early then hit 30-35, see other men just starting to marry and settle down after living their twenties, and have a crisis. They blame their wives/partners, say they feel trapped, say they never wanted any of it and were forced into it. And then they blow everything up and leave. I probably see at least two a week like this on the Relationship board, with the poor woman left saying “but we’ve been together since we were teens!”

So please, to protect your children, get married.

You should get married because you have no protection for yourself and your DC without marriage. Living together gives few rights and you could find yourself and your DC living in poverty without a legal contract - which is what marriage is, a legal contract confering rights. Get married now.

For goodness sake, hurry up and make baby number 5! It's obvious how much he's wanted. Don't be talked out of it by people who over think everything.

Partner did inherit our house and the “what if you break up” comments are fair but can be said for nearly every post on MN.

I don’t think that’s really true. Most people aren’t unmarried, without formal qualifications and living in a house they have no claim to, with a partner in one of the most dangerous careers there is, and then considering a fifth child under the age of 30. I’d say that’s pretty unusual.

Honestly your first responsibility is as a mother to the children you do have- and that includes whether you could manage if your partner got ill, died or left the family. Until you’ve got a plan for that, adding to your family really should be the last of your considerations.

And are you hoping that they will go to uni, learn to drive, have their own place, learn an instrument, go on holidays etc? If so how are you planning on paying for all of this?

I don’t want to end up supporting the OP’s fifth child, let alone any of the others, because the two of them made decisions to have a brood without thinking, thinking and overthinking the implications.

Honestly my thought was you must be loaded! Four kids is already a lot.. are you really confident you can provide well for them until they no longer need it?? I wouldn’t be able to afford to send 4 kids to university and I think we are quite comfortable financially. I wouldn’t be considering if I can afford clubs, holidays, big cars, some savings, a good pension for myself - if money was absolutely no object then yes go for it.

Side note - I don’t think you should homeschool because you had a bad time at school. It will likely be very different for your own children! So please don’t homeschool for that reason alone. X

If I was in your situation, I would want to take some time and wait. See what life is like when children get a bit older etc. and whether you really want to be pregnant again / want a 5th child.

How would you cope if the 5th child had a disability / special needs? Or you had a difficult birth or pregnancy?

As for not wanting a huge age gap: I think there is quite a bit of research on larger age gaps being beneficial but I might be wrong about that... I will however openly admit that I wish large age gaps between children were a possibility for DH and me, so that is certainly influencing my opinion.

EDIT:
And as others have said, children don`t cost less when the get older. Hobbies, tutoring, driving lessons, university (if they choose to go)... A larger age gap (or simply sticking to 4) might make that somewhat easier!

Umm a world where she has 4 kids and no job. LOL! What a reach.

It’s not just a UK concept. Other places (such as Iceland) it’s common too.

Oh I know but I mean in a country where people are constantly worrying about falling birth rates and people not having (enough) children, OP can claim my share and I don’t need to worry about being criticised for “not doing my part!” 😆

I missed that. Yes, they should get married ASAP. Especially if they end up having a 5th. OP´s situation would be a bit less precarious if she decided to get an education, find some stable work (not just helping out in her brother´s business every once in a while)...

But being a stay at home mother without the protection of marriage (which isn´t the safety net some imagine it to be, but it is better than nothing)? Bad idea for the vast majority of women!