To try for baby (boy) #5?

[TrueViper]

Im 28 and my partner is 27. We have 4 boys. 8, 6 (7 in Dec), 4 and 23 months. My last pregnancy was tough and we were firmly done after he was born

Then at the start of the year we talked and we were more leaning towards baby 5 over being done but we didnt want another winter baby if we could avoid it (obviously we wouldnt have been able to fully plan) and we agreed to talk about it later in the year. We homeschool and back in January was a real struggle with homeschooling the older 2, and keeping the baby entertained he was 16 months and it was HARD because he wanted to be into everything. Also we had bug after bug and it was just not a fun time.

I then had a pregnancy scare in February that seemed to make me feel we were done but maybe because of all the stress. But now the time has gone on and I want another baby, my older 2 are going to school which is their choice so they’re starting year 4 and year 2, part of me is anxious they’ll hate it (i had bad experiences in school) but i’m happy they’re willing to try, they’re sociable children and are part of a football club and recently did a summer sports camp and we were part of a homeschooling group where we met up once a week

If they’re going to school I feel I would be able to handle baby #5, especially as there’d be over a 2.5 year age gap if we got pregnant straight away.

It’s not any of the ridiculousness about us wanting a girl as we’d likely have another boy anyway (hence the title)

WWYD?

Why put your health at risk of last pregnancy was tough ?.
Btw you get pregnant not we get pregnant. Men dont ..the term does my head in

Presumably you’re married though?

I think 4 is already a lot and I would stop right there. You are not feeling the cost at the mo because you are the childcare, but when the kids become more expensive, I assume you'd want to work - but the childcare costs would be an obstacle. You could end up being a SAHP for many more years as it is.

Your kids are also now happy to do stuff together and wear hand me downs as they are young. This probably won't last - they will develop their own interests and own tastes. So life becomes more complicated and expensive as you meet their individual needs, and it is so important to be able to do so, give them opportunities. This involves time as well as money. For me, this is a strong reason why having a lot of kids is not a good idea in most families.

The problem is it isn't just about "affording" in financial terms, but in terms of having enough time for each child. OP has already said they struggled with home-schooling the older two because of the younger ones. It isn't fair on the existing children to spread yourself too thin.

DC are not collector's items: they need ongoing input.

yeah, you love the stress and craziness, but do your children???

I suspect they're less than happy. Going away to university was bliss for me, away from my siblings and all the noise, stress and chaos.

Wait 12 months and then revisit it. If you still feel certain on a 5th then fair enough. You still have plenty of time as you are still both in your 20s . You don't need to rush. Xx

You sound super sensible and a brilliant mum! I initially said wait 12 months and revisit, but maybe wait 6 months and revisit. Once the new school routine has kicked in and the terrible twos. And then see how each of you feel.

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and your kids are happy and well cared for. I’m also so glad to hear that you are happy to let them start school despite your own experiences. As for a fifth child, I think it really depends on your existing four. Do they want another sibling/baby in the house? Will they feel like they’ll lose some attention or miss out on things by sharing with another sibling? In the long term, could you afford to support five teenagers in five different activities or help all five financially if they choose go to university?

Reading your posts, I’m sure you’ve thought a lot about all this already, but I do think it’s important to look past the baby stage and imagine how life would look 2, 5, 10, 15 years down the line.

Best of luck with your decision!

This over populated world really needs baby making machines like you.

You have ages. Leave it a bit and then crank out another 4 in your 30s

I’d wait another year
then reassess. You can still
give it time before having another, as the school adjustments Willy take up your energy and adding that in your routine will affect how you manage your time much more

You must have a chaotic personality.

I couldn't do it. Stress? No, thank you.

Speaking as a home educator, what if your DC don’t like school? Would you be willing to take them back out or would you be stuck then saying “well I can’t have you back at home because I have to give all my attention to the baby now”?

Something to think about. I honestly don’t think I could home educate 4 children, let alone 5.

I've got 4 boys, with similar age gaps to yours. I had 6, 4, 2 and a baby at one point, which eventually became 13, 15, 17 and 19 at the same time.

Given that you've got a big year ahead, with two starting school, I'd definitely wait. If school goes well, and hopefully it will, you might still find you have less time than expected. You'll be doing school runs and maybe after school clubs and with two smaller ones, you may find you're just as busy as ever.

We did consider a 5th child, but worried about our time and attention and being able to give everyone what they needed. We were lucky that in the end, some of ours chose the same sport, but I worked full time and I was run ragged at time.

Yes!

If I am completely honest, most people I know who grew up in large families don't feel it was ideal - even if their parents loved it.

I honestly can't imagine why people would go for a 5th child over having extra 1-1 time and resources for the 4 children they already have (I suspect, but it probably doesn't apply to all, that people just miss the cute, cuddly baby stage, as I would go back and do 1-3 a dozen times over.) But the level of attention and co-regulation my kids have needed in the next stage 4-8 has been exhausting enough with 2!
And 4 teen boys are going to eat you out of house and home....so I hope you have funds for a BIG food shop budget!

But honestly, no one can tell you how many children you have the capacity to provide for physically and emotionally, if you can do that for 5 and want to...go for it.
But please don't bring another whole person into the world to go without having the time and attention they need, just cos you want a baby.

I think if you both want another then that’s fair enough. If either doesn’t want another, then given you already have four I wouldn’t push it. People think it’s a large family, and it is, but that’s by today’s standards. If I think of my grandparents, one was oldest of 11, his wife was one of five, the others were one of 9 and one of 3.

The only thing I would say is every pregnancy is a roll of the dice that could change life for your family. This could be the time you have triplets, or you yourself develop a life altering complication of pregnancy, or the child is born with severe disabilities. I don’t think any of that is particularly likely but once you get to a potential fifth child, I think it’s reasonable to pause and think…do we count and blessings at this point, even if you decide to proceed.

Are u parenting your current 4?? Oldest two are deciding at their v young ages on their schooling options? Id think about how you see your children as adults, what will they have done etc?

From experience this is true. There were 4 of us and we never had proper holidays, rarely were able to pursue any interests and it felt like there was never any money to please anyone let alone everyone. And my parents both worked. Since OP is not in work she likely gets quite a lot of benefits for each of these many children, it may be quite the shock once they stop and there may be at least 4 young adults at home struggling to find work, which is the norm these days.

You only want a baby as you want the baby side to look after. Sorry but your kids need to go to school and you need to go to work. It’s so unfair to expect your partner to provide for 5 kids and you when you don’t work and presumably get cash in hand. A firefighter doesn’t earn enough to do that. If you want something small and cute then get a puppy or a kitten

I don’t think you should have another baby. What if if has additional needs, how would you juggle those with four older children?

inheriting the house is obviously helpful but i can’t believe you can comfortably afford a fifth child on one part time wage.

four is enough. When boys (and girls) become teenagers they take up more money than you can possibly imagine right now. Once they are 12 child discounts pretty much disappear and they eat as much as their parents

Yeah she wants to prolong staying at home.

Are you and boyfriend able to pay for another?
What would happen if you split up?