To try for baby (boy) #5?

[TrueViper]

Im 28 and my partner is 27. We have 4 boys. 8, 6 (7 in Dec), 4 and 23 months. My last pregnancy was tough and we were firmly done after he was born

Then at the start of the year we talked and we were more leaning towards baby 5 over being done but we didnt want another winter baby if we could avoid it (obviously we wouldnt have been able to fully plan) and we agreed to talk about it later in the year. We homeschool and back in January was a real struggle with homeschooling the older 2, and keeping the baby entertained he was 16 months and it was HARD because he wanted to be into everything. Also we had bug after bug and it was just not a fun time.

I then had a pregnancy scare in February that seemed to make me feel we were done but maybe because of all the stress. But now the time has gone on and I want another baby, my older 2 are going to school which is their choice so they’re starting year 4 and year 2, part of me is anxious they’ll hate it (i had bad experiences in school) but i’m happy they’re willing to try, they’re sociable children and are part of a football club and recently did a summer sports camp and we were part of a homeschooling group where we met up once a week

If they’re going to school I feel I would be able to handle baby #5, especially as there’d be over a 2.5 year age gap if we got pregnant straight away.

It’s not any of the ridiculousness about us wanting a girl as we’d likely have another boy anyway (hence the title)

WWYD?

What about twins or a child with additional needs? Could you cope?

I have 4. My husband had the snip when I was pregnant with no.4. I always wanted 5, always. If he hadn't had the snip I know I would have gone for no.5. I yearned for no.5 for a while to be honest, but now I I'm glad I only had the 4.

Fake thread?

Honestly Op, it's not just the money it is the time... each child will have different interests and need driving to x and y, and you'll be pulled all ways. The bit from 7-14 is exhausting because of this.

And another yes to getting married - or even popping down for a civil partnership one weekend, then having a proper celebration once all the kids are old enough to enjoy it. You are in a dreadful position currently and will be left destitute if anything happens to your partner. It's always the ones who seem the most committed, happiest and anti-affairs who end up up having their heads turned by a girl at the office. And when they turn they begrudge every penny to the women and children they leave behind. Just take a read of the divorce board to find out more. Currently you have no prospects, no job, a lot of responsibilities, and everything rests on something you cannot control - the emotions and behaviour of another person.

Not on topic but I always find it curious how people think it's fine to have multiple kids with someone but not marry. On one hand, how is having kids seen as less of a commitment? On the other hand, why have kids with someone who.is not prepared to commit by marrying you?

Ops posts do make a good Jackanory

I can understand where you are coming from, but in my experience bigger families have somewhat different priorities, eg with two travelling together on the same school bus no need for a mobile, they are used to playing together and happy sharing rooms and somehow I think it can be a less expensive lifestyle than a one boy, one girl situation.
My daughter’s husband definitely isn’t a big earner, and she’s a stay at home mum, and uses Olio etc to help with food budgeting.

No one here actually knows every detail of your life nor how much your want a fifth child but some things that really stand our for me are:

1. You're still very young, you may not feel it with 4 children but you are. This means you still have plenty of time to plan better for another child, don't worry too much about age gaps.
2. As many have said, getting married and securing your family's living standards should be the priority, you only want a registry office marriage, so what's the problem?
3. Not only are teenagers expensive but bear in mind that these days, it's normal for young adults to stay at home for several or even many years before they're able to move out of the family home. If you live in a 'cheaper' area that suggests there are also fewer opportunities for your children in the future, would you be OK with the house becoming more crowded with potentially 5 young adults living in it alongside you and your partner?

I would caution you, as pp have done.
You have 4 healthy children (🤞🏼), you and your partner have a big house and he has a good job. Acknowledge your good fortune and focus on the children that you have.
You've home schooled, you don't know how going to school is going to work out. You can't say that children going to school will give you extra time.
I was one of 5, and there weren't any financial difficulties, but there wasn't enough affection and attention to go round. If even only one of your teens starts to have issues and needs support, you'll be stretched.
I would say count your blessings and focus on being good parents to your current children.
However, I suspect your mind is made up.

Almost every other day I read a post on here that is straight out of Take A Break.

What would #5 give you, that 1-4 don't?

All of the above and to add that I have 3 adult DC. The worry and stress never goes away even though they all have great jobs and lives. A friend has 5 children and 10 grandchildren living locally. She would say that the baby times were easy compared with the constant stress now she’s in her 70s.
Dont do it!

@TrueViper I was going to say you're mad but that's because I "only" have two boys and I feel stretched thin at times. For me it was important that my children each had their bedroom, that we could give them a good start in life, be it emotionally, financially and socially. They are very different; one is into sports and the other one creative so it wouldn't work to just throw them in a football club (none of them like football). While your children are young now they will grow and develop different personalities and have different needs. Some might require more help with homework which will take up your time if you can't pay for tutoring. Some might get ill/mh health pb and will need you more.

Just saying that 4 children is a lot, especially if you want to have a life outside the house one day.

Exactly this. They would never be able to afford to send all 5 to Uni. Now of course I'm not saying all kids need, or want, to go to Uni but it's nice if they actually have a choice. Both my kids wanted to go and needed a degree for the careers they have chosen. Teenagers are incredibly expensive, even if they get jobs at 16 like my DS did.

if even only one of your teens starts to have issues and needs support

this. One of my two kids needed lots of support between 17 and 21. We had to spend so much time and money and helping them. I felt so guilty for my other child and did my best not to ignore them. But it was extremely difficult. I remember thinking, thank goodness I haven’t got more kids otherwise how on earth would we attend to them.

People often focus on the early years. I often joke that I wish I could have taken my maternity leave when they were older as they somehow needed me so much more then, but in a different way. Anyone can really change a nappy and feed a younger child. There are unique needs to older children that only parents can be there for, and things can get very complicated.

OP, the modern world is v complex for young people and teens. Make sure you take off your rose-tinted spectacles and understand how much money and emotional effort teens can end up needing. Already four will be a stretch.

I know you say none of your current 4 DC have SEN OP but with the youngest 2 it's a bit early to tell yet. Your 5th DC could be born with a disability that makes parenting incredibly challenging or means you're in and out of hospital with a newborn. You could have twins - much more common the more pregnancies you have btw. Then you'd have 6 kids and not 4. Before your DC past their driving tests you'll spend the majority of their collective teen years driving them from A to B. Mental health issues are also rife amongst tweens/teens. You can't predict the future but do need to make sure you're 100% there for the kids you currently have. Don't you also want the occasional night away with your DH? Very few people will want to look after 5 kids. Even energetic and young grandparents might refuse (with good grounds).

Having a kid is no commitment at all to the other person, as evidenced by the many couples who break up.
It's a commitment to the person they created.

As it stands, the OP has no job, money, savings, and is dependent on her boyfriend for money and housing.

You make it sound as if retirees are living it up and don't deserve their pensions. You're resentful that your some of your tax money goes to the fund that pays it. You are conveniently leaving out that the taxes current pensioners paid went to the pensions of the generation before them.

They are not lying on the beach in Spain on your dollar. They're having some of the money back from what they paid over a lifetime! Much of that has benefited your generation, I think. Public services, infrastructure, and state schooling are just a few that I can think of.

You are making yourself vulnerable Op.
It sounds like your partner was a teenager when you had your first DS. No one likes to think of relationships ending, but there are too many threads on here where men have abruptly walked out . It’s happened to friends of mine who were absolutely shocked and sometimes left short of money and struggling .
The fact you are not married is worrying.
I’d quit while you’re ahead . The best thing for your already large family is to stop now and give them the time they need.

She's not unemployed. She's a SAHM. There's a difference! She's doing valuable UNPAID work. I'm not saying I think she should have a 5th child btw. Just disagreeing with your choice of words.

Well this is exactly what I find so astonishing. Being married is a sign you both are serious about each other and may progress your relationship further to have a child, which is, to me, top level.of commitment. But I feel like I'm a minority here!

I think four children is more than enough for any family. However, if you genuinely have the time, money, patience, etc. for another child, it is up to you and your partner.

On a tangentially related subject, does anyone here remember MultipleMummy? She was a prolific troll who wrote in great detail about her many children (at least eight, including two sets of twins), all with outlandish names. As I recall, she also homeschooled them and claimed to be about 23 years old. It was a relief when she was finally unmasked as a troll, since it seemed so unlikely that any of those children were being properly taken care of. Memories of trolls past. . .

Of course, I'm not suggesting that you're a troll, OP.

I'm 16 weeks with baby number 5! All BOYS! But I like the craziness. I live the loud house and the stress 😅

We have been married 43 years and had 5 son's within 8 years and before I hit 30. I kept telling everyone that I did not want a daughter, but I think on reflection, I was probably kidding myself.

I am now a grandmother to 8 beautiful granddaughters and one grandson. Only you and your partner can make the final decision. If I was able to advise myself at your stage, I would say stick with the 4 children and enjoy what they bring to your life. The 5th child made things incredibly difficult for us, financially and socially. Be grateful for what you have and enjoy the next phase of your life without young babies. Whatever you decide, good luck x

I would wait until the older children are settled into school as if they’ve never been before they may not want to stay.