To think a man with five kids he barely sees won’t be considered a catch on the dating scene?

[Bezerk]

It’s my ex. I am feeling quite bitter tonight and could do with some reassurance that he won’t continue getting everything he wants…

Guy will have to pull off the move from Overboard movie to stand a chance. 5 kids is an army these days.

Yet again, it’s a red flag IN YOUR OPINION.

You can keep asserting that as much as you like. It doesn’t reflect real life, whether you like that or not.

It is true that not all men who stay in the family unit are good people, however, abandoning his children is a sign that a man is not a good person.

It is obvious that a man who is prepared to walk away from his children with no guilt is not a man to be involved with.

If he has no concern for his own flesh and blood he is likely to abandon others.

Is this not obvious?

It is a massive red flag.

Absolutely - and all I am saying is that by the same logic, I hope people who believe absent Fathers still capable of being decent people, do not form part of the frothing "OW are scum and morally bankrupt" brigade.

Because that woukd make no sense.

The logic either applies or it doesnt. I chose a MN favourite topic as a comparison

Did you really just ask if I was ‘on the spectrum’? Wow. Are you always that offensive? I judge one moral failing more favourably than someone being ableist.

I am indeed neurodivergent but am capable of understanding human relationships.

I didn’t say it wasn’t a moral failing - I just said that most people in real life feel able to judge others based on more than one action which is not illegal.

I get what you are saying now.

There is more to most people than being an OW or an absent father. People on MN like to reduce everyone down to ‘bad’ or ‘good’.

Yes I am ND but even someone ‘on the spectrum’ (as one poster so delightfully put it) is capable of understanding nuance in human beings

@Anarchy99 Abandoning one’s children is a moral failing people should be judged very harshly for!

So you keep saying. And as I keep saying that is your opinion.

By all means keep posting to tell me it’s a moral failing if you have the time, obviously. We won’t agree about it so if you can’t be arsed to discuss it, it seems fairly pointless just to assert it’s a moral failing. I don’t agree that it is the only thing to judge someone on

Do you think it is one of the most important things to judge someone by?

Totally agree.
Yes I know of and interact socially with men who have no contact with their children.
Would I consider a relationship with them, though? No!

I do find that people on the spectrum tend to judge people on how they treat them.

I think that this is a mistake because it's not taking into account the other person's essential character and behaviour when things aren't perfect.

Once again with the ‘on the spectrum’. Your patronising tone is rather offensive.

I admit I judge people on instinct immediately. However I have been told many times that I’m harsh for not liking someone, only for it to turn out that that person is in fact a bit of a cunt.

Perhaps being ‘on the spectrum’ means it’s easier to read people.

What do YOU think of men who abandon their children? Would you date them?

If you can’t see the difference between pre meditated murder and leaving your children then I worry for YOUR ideas around relationships.

I understand human interactions perfectly fine. In fact I can read people incredibly well and am rarely if ever wrong about them.

If I was dating then possibly.

You took him with three. In terms of attractiveness as a partner, I'm not sure there's a lot of difference between 3 and 5.

No sensible woman would see him as a prospect but unfortunately there are plenty of women who will fall for an attractive man who says what she wants to hear

Of course the irony is that I’m not so desperate to be liked that I will accept any crap.

Do you make decisions about people purely on what others say about them? That seems quite short sighted.

My NT friends are used to me being proven right about people.

People can only say about their own experiences.
My experiences with autistic people is that they are not that good at reading people. Sorry.

I will say though, in the spirit of fairness, that judging other people on how they treat you and not in my opinion the bad things they've done to other people is a mistake because chances are if it is in them to treat others badly one day you might be the target.

The question to ask is, 'what bad things do I know they've done to others?'

This is the basis of the concept of red flags.

To be fair, though, both so-called neuro-typical and neuro-divergent people can and often do ignore this wisdom.

You could argue that it is a moral failing to have children with someone who has already left his existing ones because you are knowingly risking the exact same situation

You do know that ND people aren’t some generic group? It might be your experience and you clearly think I’m lying.

But then you clearly think I’m a bit thick, given you felt the need to explain red flags.

As it goes, people who I choose to have in my life don’t get a chance to treat me badly and anything I did find unacceptable would just lead me to walk away with no drama.

That made a very good point.

@Bezerk This must be a very difficult and disappointing time, but it sounds like you are doing everything you can to dig yourself out of it and following up where possible with police etc.

It is is hard when you are struggling to get things back on track after having such an awful time, to think that he has waltzed off and is still carrying on, having a good time, without letting the small matter of things like actual feelings get in the way. But what you are doing is building a far better life for you and your children, where you don't have to life a life based on the whims of someone who has very very little to offer.
It may look dandy for him at the moment, but what has he really got. A string of broken relationships, children he doesn't seem to care about who will grow up not caring about him. These things will weigh heavily on him as time goes by. He lives his life in a really shallow way, if the things he values and doesn't value are anything to go by.

You by contrast, will have a well earned freedom from a very unsatisfactory relationship, with two children who know that you love and care about them. You are so much better off now than you were when you were still putting up with him. You have shown a lot of bravery, things will get back on track. Wishing you and your two little ones all the very best x

He didn’t leave, his ex left as she had an affair. She was open about that.

I didn’t know why though.

Not really, having children with a man who has other children isn’t a moral issue, regardless of his interactions with them, although in OP’s case she clearly states he had a relationship with them to begin with. Naive possibly, poor in judgment, stupid maybe, but it’s not a moral issue.

If people only judged people on how they treated them and not others they would see nothing wrong with associating with convicted criminals because, after all, they've not done anything to them.

Not saying you would but this is where it would take you.

I see that there might be trouble with that way of being.

Just as I see that a man who's waltzed out of his children's lives is likely to be a piece of shit.