To think a man with five kids he barely sees won’t be considered a catch on the dating scene?

[Bezerk]

It’s my ex. I am feeling quite bitter tonight and could do with some reassurance that he won’t continue getting everything he wants…

Agree. If a man appears decent at face value but has 5 kids presumably he'll have little time, or money to go out with, a new partner. Who'd sign up for that?

If he doesn't spend most of his free time with his kids or pay to support them then no excuse for missing the red flags.

Sensible, secure and mature women won’t touch him with a barge pole.

But there will be some women, (who may have multiple children themselves) with low self esteem and even lower standards who will go there.

I know it probably doesn’t help but you’re honestly so much better off without him in your life.

Yes, the mind boggles really.

My ex pulled the "crazy ex " stunt. I was astonished people believed it even though he was notorious in our village for his temper tantrums. It's like people prefer to believe that story

Sadly many women encourage men to spend less time /money on their existing children. We see it all the time on MN, women resenting support given to their step children

Don't be ridiculous.

There are lots of reasons why a people get into a not so great relationships:

Finances
Security
Low self esteem
Wanting children etc.

There are also many people not even considering these relationships as they have higher standards of what they are willing to tolerate. Probably more financially secure, already been married and have children etc.

Imo there are more woman in category one as above than in category 2.

Some women are also actively sexually aroused by criminals, too.

It's just a fact. It has a name- hybristophilia.

This man's behaviour goes beyond being useless/cocklodger/left for another woman. I'd have some sympathy for a woman who still cared about what a guy like that was up to.
I'd think it foolish but I wouldn't be too harsh.

This guy assaulted a toddler, though.

I cannot see why anything other than as long as he keeps away from me and the kids I don't care what he does would be an appropriate response.

And that’s the irony….

Responsible fathers who continue to be actively involved in their children’s upbringing after divorce aren’t seen by many women as prospects as it’s diminishes the time he can devote to her, and she’d have to take on the role of step-mum in time if the relationship developed.

However, a father who’s abandoned his kids has no such constraints and the woman isn’t fighting for his time and attention with another woman’s children… Any baggage is conveniently “out of sight, out of mind”.

Its short-sighted, but many women will see the single man who has abandoned his commitments as the better prospect, and choose to believe all sorts of bullshit to live the “dream” (until it turns into a nightmare).

Its very unfair, but that’s life.

But if you have no intention of having kids with him then there are no red flags.

But a man that doesn’t see/pay for his kids is only a nightmare if the woman wants kids. And if she’s naive enough to want kids with him then if it turns into a nightmare, she has to take some share of the responsibility for choosing to be in that position despite evidence that it’s history repeating itself.

Of course they are, being a shitty person is a red flag whether you want children or not.

Choosing to have 5 children and then abandoning them is a moral failure and should concern someone who wants to remain child free just as much as someone who has or wants children.

Agree, it speaks volumes about how he views any commitments and responsibilities in general.

Behind every "psychotic" ex is the man who made her that way.

There’s a lot of truth about being wary of men telling you their exes were psychos…

However, quite a few women are “psychos”… I can think of a number, and I pity one of my male friend who was damaged badly by one of them.

Men can be violent and shit… but it doesn’t mean women can’t be complete bitches in their own way.

Not really. Choosing to have children with someone who doesn’t bother with his existing ones and then complaining that they don’t bother with them is a failure.

Someone can be a shit dad but good in other ways. Especially if you have no intention of spending the rest of your life with them.

I absolutely understand op. The unfairness of these situations is a hard pill to swallow.

my advice to you is firstly

be kind to yourself- they lied and you acted in good faith. This is on them and you protected your child . Well done - not every one does this.

Secondly it is not bad - you have a lovely child and you are now an improved person as you know that there are bad people out there, who are bad individuals, regardless of the situation and nothing you do or dont do can change that. Now you can avoid them . It took me two awful relationships to learn this sadly.

Third - when the bad thoughts get you down just remember that every day you are a step further away from him and the chaos and that same day him and his new womaare a step closer to the next abusive situation. It is hard to be jealous of that.

keep making you and your DC’ s peace and one day you will enjoy it .

You’d be surprised. He will probably lie and say mum/s won’t let him see them or how toxic mum is!

But some women don’t seem to be put off by it generally - I would be for sure!

my mother in laws partner (whom she’s been with for 20 years!) has 6 kids (5 with 1 mum, 1 with another) which he never sees, all adults now but they weren’t when they met! I don’t know what she saw in him considering she had children herself!

my own biological father (was raised more my mums husband) has multiple kids with multiple women, 3 youngest with his wife who Tbf he’s been with many years now but it turned her into a insecure psycho for the first few years, with her knowing his past! Tbh I don’t blame her. He messed up lots.

Which is something to take into consideration only if you need commitment or responsibility from him.

Good!

The only concern I would have about a man having children with different women and not bothering with them would be that he was used to being with women who would naively get into the situation despite his past, and that he therefore expected that of any woman he dated.

Exactly. My brothers partner passed away so he has the kids full time. He's a great guy but understands that it's too much to ask of someone to take on. Yet I know so many men who take zero responsibility for their children and can find partners easily.

That makes no sense

I don't understand it at all 😞!

I do like to be around decent people, yes.

Oordinary adult commitments and responsibilities that form part of being a decent, reliable person, rather than specifically being a parent:

• Keeping your word — doing what you said you’d do, or telling people promptly if you can’t.
• Showing up for people — friends, partners, family members, colleagues, neighbours, etc., particularly when they genuinely need you.
• Reciprocity — not continually taking emotional, practical or financial support without giving anything back.
• Caring for ageing or vulnerable relatives — within reasonable limits; not necessarily becoming their full-time carer.
• Maintaining important relationships — making some effort rather than expecting everyone else to carry the relationship.
• Being dependable — people should broadly be able to rely on you.
• Taking responsibility for your own life — finances, health, home, work, appointments, admin, pets, etc.
• Looking after your pets properly — food, exercise, veterinary care, safety and companionship.
• Paying your debts and bills — and not deliberately leaving other people to absorb your costs.
• Being financially responsible — living within your means where reasonably possible and planning for foreseeable expenses.
• Contributing to your household — not expecting another adult to do the invisible work by default.
• Being a good neighbour — reasonable consideration for noise, shared spaces, parking, rubbish, pets, etc.
• Honouring professional commitments — doing your job properly and respecting other people’s time.
• Respecting other people’s time — cancelling, being late, or changing plans when necessary rather than simply assuming they’ll accommodate you.
• Apologising and making amends when you’ve genuinely caused harm or inconvenience.
• Being honest — particularly when dishonesty would materially affect someone else’s decisions.
• Respecting boundaries — accepting that other adults are allowed to say no, have different priorities and make their own choices.
• Not exploiting people’s goodwill — whether that’s a friend, partner, sibling, parent, colleague or service provider.
• Helping when you reasonably can — without turning every act of kindness into an obligation.
• Reciprocating hospitality — not necessarily identically, but making some effort when people regularly accommodate or support you.
• Taking care of your shared environment — leaving places, possessions and communal spaces reasonably well.
• Being a responsible member of society — following laws, paying taxes, voting if you choose to, disposing of rubbish properly, etc.
• Having some responsibility towards your community — volunteering, helping neighbours, participating in organisations, donating, or simply being useful in some way.
• Taking responsibility when things go wrong — rather than immediately finding someone else to blame.
• Planning ahead where your absence would affect others — making arrangements rather than leaving emergencies for someone else to sort out.
• Not making your problems everyone else’s problems — while still being willing to ask for help when you genuinely need it.
• Treating people decently even when you don’t need anything from them — arguably the most basic one.

I often read on here, that the ex, who has just left the children to the OP, will be sad. In reality, the ones who are ok at face value, are good looking and have time to date (because they aren't seeing their children), have a good time by shagging about. They settle down 55+, sometimes their sons get back in touch and all is forgiven. Women should have children, if they want them and then just comfort themselves with they got them, because you can't bank on men or karma.

No you are right: it isn't always wrong by any means. And I thought as I typed that actually OP IS concerned!

But as a general starting point ...

I disagree, being a shit dad is a major character flaw.
It is both glib and stupid to suggest otherwise.
If a man does not give a shit about his own children, he is unlikely to give a fuck about anyone else around him.

Oh he may appear to when the going is good but not when things get bad.