To leave holiday early even if it will upset my dd?

[ChiefArk]

I have 3 children - DD25 DS18 DS15. Currently away with DD and my 8 month old granddaughter and her partner. the boys are staying with their dad as neither wanted to go

DS18 has T1D which he hates but he's used to it and he usually is responsible but I will admit he was 13 when he was diagnosed and a lot of my time has gone on him and worry tbh, I don't worry about my other 2 as much as they don't give me any reason to worry!!
He doesn't talk about his feelings ever and he ended up failing his A levels which wasn't a huge shock as his attendance was poor

He's been quiet but he when he left to go to his dad's he seemed fine. I had a message from my youngest saying that ds1 had been taken to hospital because he'd messed his blood sugar levels up by eating loads of sweets and he did it over a girl. I messaged their dad because that was a 15 year olds account of things and he pretty much confirmed it and said he's handling it but when I asked if someone from the mental health team is going to talk to him he said no because DS doesn't need it but I think he does if he's done that over a girl.

His dad was quite angry he failed his A levels so i imagine he wouldve been on at him since he went there.

We landed Saturday night so we’re only 2 days in but im worrying about DS and want to go home but DD is furious, she usually gets on with him but she said he always tries to steal the attention like this and said if I leave it proves i care more about him and not her or her other brother or my granddaughter which isnt true. I don’t know how ill enjoy myself though for the next week especially whilst hes still in hospital as his dad said he had DKA and still is quite unwell but arguing with him about wanting him and everyone to leave him alone. I dont know who “everyone” is hes only been staying with his dad and brother

I feel stuck between my 2 children

No one can tell you what to do, but I can promise you one thing. If you rush back immediately then you’re likely to go through the same thing again in future. My T1D sister did the same as a teenager. We all rushed to her side. She thankfully survived. 6 months later, she was found unconscious. We all said she wouldn’t have done it again considering we’d all been so worried about her. She had done it again.

Like you I have 3 children, one with profound disabilities, who takes up all my time. I feel incredible guilt that I can’t spend more time with the others. This holiday you’re on will mean more to your daughter than you. Please don’t make your daughter play second fiddle.

Have a FaceTime call with your son and tell him how worried you are for him, and how much you love him etc but finish your holiday.

Good luck, I know it’s not easy spreading yourself around and you will feel guilt whatever you decide.

Wasn't there a very similar post to this in the last several months?

Yes, its self harm. A way of dealing with distress and anger and other negative emotions. And yes he will need help unpicking all of that. There's no suggestion he's done it for mummy's attention.

Why should she? This young man is being well looked after and has a parent nearby. The last thing he needs is being inundated by a bunch of relatives, making a fuss.

Isn't that what his dad can do - help him? His dad is there with him, he has hospital care. he's 18. Seriously.

The lack of empathy for a young lad who lives with a serious life altering chronic illness is mind blowing.
Luckily the majority of people will never know the relentless all consuming nature of this illness, but that doesn’t mean it’s not real and it doesn’t mean he is being selfish when it takes its toll. Parents of T1s come the closest to getting but it’s only really those who have it who truly know how difficult it is to live with. You can’t take your eye off the ball ever and sadly when things happen in life (good and bad) shit happens. Especially when you are 18 and finding your way in the world.
OP it sounds like he is being looked after, so I would stay on your holiday. But please don’t listen to the posters calling my him golden boy, selfish or manipulating. These are voices of privilege because they really don’t understand the complexity both mentally and physically of what he faces 24/7.

DS2 said yesterday afternoon he and his dad had gone to a football match leaving DS1 on his own (DS1 isn't as interested in going) and when they got back he was unwell and he had many empty sweet wrappers in his room that's where the too many sweets came from but then talking to his dad I found out it's more serious than that

When DD had just given birth I didn't just leave her but when I found out he was in hospital I did go to see him. I was at home then dd was at her house with her partner. Then a few days llater I had a conversation with him about being careful when drinking and about who he's with but I still gave dd the help she wanted and needed.

I just don't know how ill enjoy my holiday now knowing ds is in hospital even if he is with his dad. I haven't managed to talk to him yet I don't know if he has his phone with him but he's not replied to me

The thing is if you do leave this shows your son that if he does something that affects his diabetes management then mum will always come running. It also sends out a message to your daughter that she and your grandchild are not important.
What happens in the future if your daughter invites you to a school play and your granddaughter is excited to know you are watching only for you to not turn up because of your son?
As someone else said this could lead your daughter into going low contact and missing out on your granddaughter.

Surely if the situation changes then his dad could call you.
You being there isn't going to change anything.

It sounds like you want to leave so you can take control of the situation. Not being in control is difficult. I’m similar to you.

BUT you agreed to come away with your DD and DGD.

Your son is not a young child and he is not alone.

It’s going to be very hard to stay and likely you won’t
enjoy it, but you’re staying for your other child

That young man can't expect his mum to come off a holiday when he has support from his dad at home.

It's very coincidental that these incidents all happen when OP is with her daughter. Whether subconscious or active, the DS isn't monitoring himself properly when OP is occupied elsewhere.

People can be selfish, manipulative and diabetic and suffer from MH conditions. None of those things are mutually exclusive.

Jesus, what an awful thing to say. To go into DKA takes a hell of a lot more than "eating a few sweeties" - it's potentially fatal, he will feel like absolute shit (as his internal organs would have begun shutting down), and it absolutely IS a cry for help. While he'll be OK now he's in hospital, DKA is treated as a blue-light emergency that has to be treated within hours to avoid death.

My DS was also diagnosed with T1D at 13 and has had HORRIBLE mental health because of it. Being diagnosed as puberty hits is particularly cruel. Google "diabetic burnout" and perhaps try and find some empathy for a kid - and my DS at 18 is still very much a kid - who is struggling with the reality of a life-long, life-changing disability that will overshadow their lives for the rest of their lives.

Have a word with yourself. If you don't know about a medical condition, don't make sweeping but also really nasty judgements about it.

Very easy to believe this with zero experience of dealing with a child or adult with either T1D, mental health issues or both. It’s so strange to have such a strong stance on something that you have no knowledge of!
I’m happy that you’ve never found yourself having to deal with this type of situation, good for you

This. 100%.

How lucky all those posters are who clearly know nothing about the reality of living with T1D. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

However, OP, FWIW, I also wouldn't come home. Your DS is being looked after. He'll need you in the long-term, for sure, but for now give your DD some time and trust that your DS's dad and the hospital will do their bit. Keep messaging, keep trying to call, but take this time for yourself and your DD.

I just don't know how ill enjoy my holiday now knowing ds is in hospital even if he is with his dad.

You wouldn't be going home because it's more enjoyable though, so bluntly, I don't think this should be the metric. Make the best of it, lean into spending time with your daughter and granddaughter. Trust your husband to handle it.

We have an older teen with MH issues too and my husband is his preferred parent, so DH usually gets the brunt of having the tricky conversations and being default parent. Our son needs astronomically more input than other young people his age so it's a big load. But when he is unavailable DS gets me and I am "good enough". It's also really important that I do some of it to stay on the learning curve and show DS that I show up for him & care for him too. He needs both of us to be "safe people" so we both need to put the hours in. This week you are not available and your husband is taking his turn. It does your son and your husband no good if you swoop in and send them the message that you think they can't cope without you.

I loathe the phrase "making memories" but in this particular case, focus on your daughter and your baby granddaughter and try to make the most of the time off from the constant tick-tick-tick of thinking about the next thing DS might need. Spoil them, take loads of photos. Your son has a team of professionals, his other parent, and he can talk to you if he wants to.

Would you say the same if it was OP’s partner?

It doesn’t seem to occur to some posters that people doing things for attention might…. need attention!
Having said that, I’d get him on the phone to reassure myself and him, but would stay on the holiday. He has medical help and his dad there.
I agree with those saying your DD sounds like the spoilt petulant one here. She has a child; surely she can understand the OP’s feelings?

I have an autistic child - and in this situation I'd really try to stay with their sibling who gets so much less of my time.

You keep talking about not knowing whether you’ll enjoy your holiday.

This isn’t just about you enjoying your holiday. That would be the case if you were on holiday by yourself. You’re not, your on holiday with other people, who’s holidays will be impacted by you changing your plans.

It would seem perfectly reasonable to take an hour away from your holiday companions to make some phone calls so you better understand the situation. At 18 though, it will depend hugely on how much or how little your son wants to share. His dad won’t be given any information that his son doesn’t want to share with him. That doesn’t mean that dad can’t stand next to him in hospital and pass him the phone so you can talk to him direct.

If you’re neither a parent to a child with t1d or a diabetes pediatric nurse/ doctor, you should keep your ignorance to yourself.

Diagnosis with t1d as a teen is brutal and commonly results in mental health struggles- so much so that mental health monitoring is just as important as the glucose management. Hormones can also make everything out of whack on what is already a lifelong, all encompassing condition. He isn’t attention seeking any more than a child who has attempted suicide is.

It doesn’t require being stricter but careful, empathetic management. While I don’t think OP needs to rush back, I also know she is right to be concerned.

It sounds like he's had plenty of the OPs attention over the past few years.

But twice he has been hospitalised, due to his chronic illness, when his mum is focused on his sister. It may be coincidental, but the message for everyone is that it's dangerous for OP to not be closely monitoring him. From the daughter's point of view, she will never be her mum's priority or get her full attention.

So he needs it When is giving or needing attention supposed to stop? Who decides? You?

Im just going to view this as a sibling. That is what OPs DD she is a sibling. Over the years (at times) I have had a conversation with my own mother that despite her having 4 kids her energy has gone into the other 3. This was met by my mum agreeing and saying that she knows im fine and I don't need her as much.

I don't know if this is OPs case. Im just saying it could be?

I think OPs DS will learn a valuable life lesson here. OP deserves a holiday and to enjoy it too. Respectfully his T1D is life long is this what its going to be running to his beck and call? Hes an adult and in general sometimes as a parent our job is to teach our kids not do everything for him.

You could see the timing as to do with the sister, or you could equally see it as part of great life changes and turmoil - the same week he turned 18 and started drinking, and this one being the same week he flunked his a levels and was berated constantly by his dad

Understandable that as he is adjusting to significant life moments, his mental health and consequently his glucose management is adversely affected.

The DD sounds like she needs the attention now more than the DS. DS is safe with his dad being cared for, he can have attention from the dad.

What happens then? OP can't split herself in two.