To leave holiday early even if it will upset my dd?

[ChiefArk]

I have 3 children - DD25 DS18 DS15. Currently away with DD and my 8 month old granddaughter and her partner. the boys are staying with their dad as neither wanted to go

DS18 has T1D which he hates but he's used to it and he usually is responsible but I will admit he was 13 when he was diagnosed and a lot of my time has gone on him and worry tbh, I don't worry about my other 2 as much as they don't give me any reason to worry!!
He doesn't talk about his feelings ever and he ended up failing his A levels which wasn't a huge shock as his attendance was poor

He's been quiet but he when he left to go to his dad's he seemed fine. I had a message from my youngest saying that ds1 had been taken to hospital because he'd messed his blood sugar levels up by eating loads of sweets and he did it over a girl. I messaged their dad because that was a 15 year olds account of things and he pretty much confirmed it and said he's handling it but when I asked if someone from the mental health team is going to talk to him he said no because DS doesn't need it but I think he does if he's done that over a girl.

His dad was quite angry he failed his A levels so i imagine he wouldve been on at him since he went there.

We landed Saturday night so we’re only 2 days in but im worrying about DS and want to go home but DD is furious, she usually gets on with him but she said he always tries to steal the attention like this and said if I leave it proves i care more about him and not her or her other brother or my granddaughter which isnt true. I don’t know how ill enjoy myself though for the next week especially whilst hes still in hospital as his dad said he had DKA and still is quite unwell but arguing with him about wanting him and everyone to leave him alone. I dont know who “everyone” is hes only been staying with his dad and brother

I feel stuck between my 2 children

From the sound of it your relationship with your daughter is already on shaky ground over your prioritising your golden child ie ds1.
If you chose to prioritise your son and go home early it will most likely be the final nail in the coffin of your relationship with your daughter and grandchild.
Your son is in the care of his father and doesn't need you rushing home aswell

I used to work on the endocrine ward and DKA can be life-threatening, but as he is now on the ward getting the treatment required to correct it, he'll be fine. I don't think you need to hurry home ...if he's arguing with his dad he's probably ok!
I would say however that we did have a few regular young diabetes patients that had mental health issues, some even using insulin to self harm. So your son's dad should not be so dismissive.
But for now, your boy is in safe hands and his dad is there so enjoy your break

Mum of a 20 year old with T1D and if he was in hospital with DKA I would be there no questions asked. Especially if triggered by a mental health crisis.

I understand being worried about your son. However your DD's reaction tells me that this isn't the first time your DS has done something that has taken time and attention away from your other children.
I grew up with a brother who had a knack for getting into trouble with the police and or having a mental health crisis whenever something else was going on, whether it was a school event for me, parents going on holidays, a wedding. It was tiring as it went on until his early 30s. Any nice occasion had a good chance of being ruined because of him.
Your DS has his other parent so he's not alone. I wouldn't leave, not when your DD is clearly telling you your relationship will suffer.

Do you also have 2 other children? One of is obviously feeling extremely resentful and overlooked? This choice could have quite serious repercussions for her relationship with her daughter and grandchild.

Stay. DS is in hospital so is being cared for and I imagine they will take into account his mental health. He also has a parent present so it's not like he is completely alone.

What if it was caused by attention seeking to distract from his abysmal results?

No. You should stay.

I would probably stay but I would still worry about him. He is where he needs to be and has a parent with him.

It does sound like the poor mental health needs to be addressed though if he is suicidal. You didn’t go into specifics about why he did it over a girl, but if it was a way to manipulate her this needs to be nipped in the bud asap! I had an ex who would do this when I was a teen and it was awful!

How unpleasant to call op’s ds1 the golden child when he suffers from a chronic condition and is seriously unwell. It’s not as if op chose this situation. And many young adults with diabetes go through a rocky patch in managing their condition. This situation isn’t fair on any of them, the Op, her ds1, or her other dc. Causing her more guilt doesn’t help one bit.

Have you spoken to him directly?

He might be embarrassed in hindsight, although I agree he should have a chat with a professional re potential intentional self harm, but you flying back might make it worse. He is in the right place. Maybe take him out when you get back for a chat, his mindset could be different in a weeks time.

But make it clear his dad has to monitor him and not dismiss this.

He did this intentionally.

Stay and focus on spending time with your DD. She's done you a favour letting you know how overlooked she feels, ignore at your peril.

It’s sounds like in the immediate term he has the care he needs in hospital and with his dad. There is time when you get home to address the wider issues and get the support he needs.

Your DD’s reaction is quite strong under the circumstances which suggests that your DS has taken priority for too long. He needs support but he also needs to know he can’t manipulate and control you when he fucks up by putting himself in hospital.

@ChiefArk stay. He is with his dad who can handle things. He doesn't need both parents there.

He’s not attempted to take his life at all. He’s ate too many sweeties, just enough to need medical care and all of attention. I wonder if he has form for this. He’s a grown man and has his other parent with him.

What are you hoping to offer your son by going home? If he has a habit of not talking about his feelings its unlikely he will suddenly start if you’re physically next to him. Call, check in but I wonder if rushing home is to ease your own anxiety?

Your son is being cared for physically in hospital and emotionally by his Dad. It’s unlikely the mental health team will become involved tbh. The GP’s your best bet for entry to mental health services but that can wait until you get back.

Your daughter and grandchild need you just as much. I’d be wary of letting them down.

my ex husband has had type 1 since 22 years old and sadly frequently used it as a mechanism for attention or when his mental health was poor including withholding taking insulin and loading up on sugar and much more recently (prior to our break up) massive insulin overdoses which obviously required several emergency hospital stays and eventually involvement with mental health team (I begged for some support for him even when separated)which was ongoing for 8 months or so.
i don’t have an answer but I’d stay on holiday. As long as family is around that’s fine. You could phone hospital and request more input from mental health services or speak to his GP (with consent) once you are home.
hopefully in your sons case he is young and at an age where we can all behave recklessly and think we are invincible and most people grow out of these behaviours as they mature. My exh has drug and alcohol dependency so certainly not an example of most !
it’s a big shock to the system type1 . You shouldn’t have to worry about these things at 18 but there are worse illnesses to face of course!
he’s in the right place and may learn his lesson it’s hardly fun being stuck in hospital- also if it is partly for attention you rushing home is not a great idea !
try and enjoy your break xhope he feels better and on the mend soon x

My DS has T1D too and recently landed himself in hospital being treated for DKA, I was away at the time but his dad was with him. I stayed where I was and went to him as soon as I got back.

Your son is being looked after and his dad is equally a parent as you are.

I agree he needs to talk to someone if he has done this over a girl, DKA is a life threatening emergency so shouldn't just be brushed off. I would be concerned about him abusing his insulin next time.

I’m shocked your daughter doesn’t want to go with you to the hospital.

Stay.

You won’t be able to forget what’s going on but you need to put your game face on for your DD.

He’s with his dad. The other parent.

You admit he’s had more of your time than his siblings. Now is the time to make your DD see that doesn’t mean he’s more important.

If he was home alone id have a different opinion. But he’s not.

As a mum of a t1d also I would go home. No way could I relax and enjoy myself knowing my son was in dka. It's to dangerous.
Hope he's better soon x

Is he in DKA or were his ketones elevated? What's his current status?

Please reassure DS by text. I totally understand that you are stuck in a bad situation but you will damage your relationship with DD and her baby, this is her time.
I do the same thing with my DD. I try to balance it out but it can be difficult as she is placid and DS is the opposite x 50. I love him but he sucks the life out of me, he also has health issues so I can’t tell him to fook off. 😅