To leave holiday early even if it will upset my dd?

[ChiefArk]

I have 3 children - DD25 DS18 DS15. Currently away with DD and my 8 month old granddaughter and her partner. the boys are staying with their dad as neither wanted to go

DS18 has T1D which he hates but he's used to it and he usually is responsible but I will admit he was 13 when he was diagnosed and a lot of my time has gone on him and worry tbh, I don't worry about my other 2 as much as they don't give me any reason to worry!!
He doesn't talk about his feelings ever and he ended up failing his A levels which wasn't a huge shock as his attendance was poor

He's been quiet but he when he left to go to his dad's he seemed fine. I had a message from my youngest saying that ds1 had been taken to hospital because he'd messed his blood sugar levels up by eating loads of sweets and he did it over a girl. I messaged their dad because that was a 15 year olds account of things and he pretty much confirmed it and said he's handling it but when I asked if someone from the mental health team is going to talk to him he said no because DS doesn't need it but I think he does if he's done that over a girl.

His dad was quite angry he failed his A levels so i imagine he wouldve been on at him since he went there.

We landed Saturday night so we’re only 2 days in but im worrying about DS and want to go home but DD is furious, she usually gets on with him but she said he always tries to steal the attention like this and said if I leave it proves i care more about him and not her or her other brother or my granddaughter which isnt true. I don’t know how ill enjoy myself though for the next week especially whilst hes still in hospital as his dad said he had DKA and still is quite unwell but arguing with him about wanting him and everyone to leave him alone. I dont know who “everyone” is hes only been staying with his dad and brother

I feel stuck between my 2 children

Well I don't think she is. I do think the son is manipulative and looking for attention though.

I would go back and be with my 15/18 year old, and your daughter is 25 and a mum herself/has a partner.
It's strange how many people without a disability/illness moan about the attention being on those who do. People have have to suffer one say they'd give up all the attention in a heartbeat and are sick of "normal" people not being grateful.

This ^
also I wonder if you coming would make things worse for your DS. You need him to realise that he is an adult and it’s on him to manage his condition. Adding you to the conversation at this stage might make him less involved in a way.

Type 1 diabetes

Diabetic ketoacidosis

Can you afford to easily recreate the holiday - in terms of costs, annual leave etc for you, your daughter, her partner and your grandchild? If not, you shouldn't consider leaving unless his life is in danger. He sounds like a very selfish person, and you seem to be enabling that.

Using T1 diabetes as a form of self harm is a recognised thing. In the short term it can cause DKA which can be life altering/fatal in the long term it can cause chronic health issues alongside the T1D. Yes it is self inflicted but it’s also a cry for help. Maybe you would see it differently if he was cutting himself?
All mental health conditions could be seen as ‘selfish’ in terms of how it affects the rest of the persons family but that’s just how it is.
I speak from experience as the mum of a now 25 year old T1D who was diagnosed at 5 and has been through similar. I also have another child who had to sometimes be patient.
having said all that I don’t think the OP should go home just yet as he is in hospital and has his dad.
A little bit of understanding that it’s not just a case of ‘eating too many sweeties’ would help though.

I think this is a divide and conquer situation. He's got his dad, his phone, facetime. He and his dad need to work their way through this. Staying away also would send the subconscious message that you know they can handle it, which will be good for DS. He HAS the support in place through you both, without you cancelling the holiday.

Definitely stay. Your daughter is sending you a clear message, I’m guessing she wanted you after she gave birth but you chose to be with him?

He’s an adult. The girl sounds unhinged but he is choosing to go back to her time and time again.

As pretty much everyone else has said, stay. Remember you have 3 children not 1. Sounds like he has had more than his fair share of time and attention.

Yabu stay and support your DD. Your attention seeking DS has his dad there.

Both of these.

It feels strongly like there is also manipulation by him here. He is in hospital and has a parent present. It's unlikely he will be able to harm himself while there or before you return.

He has to learn not to use his illness to manipulate, and that it has to be managed no matter what else is going on in life.

Rushing home to baby him is unlikely to help him, and very likely to push your daughter further away.

For those who do not understand what dka is:

Dka is when the blood turns to literal acid. It can kill within hours.
It cannot be from eating to many sweets like implied here. It's from lack or no insulin or a sick bug it creates ketones. These ketones can get large enough to kill.
It can end t1ds in hospital on insulin drips or in the ICU. It causes extreme thirst like thirst you have never experienced. It shuts down the organs within matter of hours. It can cause blindness, organ failure etc.
It cannot be from to many sweets. So stop being arrogant.

It's basically the same as self harm. Those who go into DKA willingly need mental health help.

I bet there are other times your dd wanted to show you something or talk to you or even unburden herself as a teen and was pushed aside.

She’s going to hold that drinking session in her head a long time. Newly given birth and I’ll assume you was meant to be helping her out and ds1 has a turn.

Now you’re away with her with the very same baby and ds1 has a turn. It’s going to feel like anytime your attention turns to her/her child ds1 suddenly has a turn.

Look deep about all the times you’ve been helping either of your other two children even an important conversation or an educational one and suddenly ds1 has suddenly had to become the centre person. I bet it would add up.

OP literally says he did it to himself.

Stay with your daughter. Please don't mess up your relationship with her. She has probably kept thoughts to herself and now she has actually got you to herself on holiday and you say you are leaving all her frustrations and hurt have come flying out. Take this from someone who has always felt second best to an ill sibling. His dad is there and he's 18.

Your poor daughter. So he pulled a similar stunt when she was freshy post-partum with her first baby, and now he has done it again to ruin baby’s first holiday with grandma?

Leave son with his dad. Prioritise your relationship with your daughter and granddaughter. This kind of attention-seeking behaviour shouldn’t be rewarded.

Yep and people are still being ignorant enough to say it's attention seeking. It's not. It's a cry for help. Hes had his dad having a go at him constantly about his a level results (so supportive not!) While dealing with a crazy girlfriend and trying to look after his diabetes himself. It was a matter of time before shit hit the fan.

Honestly some of the posts on here are so misguided to say the least.

This is a young man with T1DM who has deliberately altered his sugar intake and insulin to cause DKA.

It’s a massive cry for help, I think some of you think this is similar to 18 year old simply drinking too much after a fall out with a girl, believe me it’s not. It’s much more like taking an overdose.

I really understand where you’re coming from OP not sure I could stay on holiday in the circumstances, I think your DD will maybe have to suck it up on this occasion.

im not sure it’s attention seeking, but I agree with this stance
its important that at 18 he understands he is responsible for his own actions and health issues. He has slacked off his a levels and is now facing the consequences which he doesn’t like and he is feeling the pressure. He is with his dad so he has support. I would stay and Enjoy your holiday as much as you can as it’s not a long break, and show your dd she has your love too.

Would people that are saying that he’s attention seeking say this if he had overdosed or ligatured?

YABU to consider
He's 18 and he has a parent with him.

Your daughter is right and you are in danger of screwing up that relationship, and that with your granddaughter, quite badly if you keep prioritising your son over them unnecessarily.

It’s attention seeking and expecting mummy to run home and help him escape his responsibilities

If he has form like he does, potentially.

How many days have you got left of your holiday? What has your Son said when you spoke to him OP?

Sounds like he has been massively spoilt and indulged. To fail all his a levels because he didn’t bother with school… how did that happen if you’re so involved? And now he has deliberately done something really stupid, and you’re going to get again leave your other child.

He is with his dad. He is in hospital. He is out of danger. Deal with him when you get back. And maybe try being a bit tougher because whatever approach you’ve been using has clearly failed him, since he has screwed up so badly.