To leave holiday early even if it will upset my dd?

[ChiefArk]

I have 3 children - DD25 DS18 DS15. Currently away with DD and my 8 month old granddaughter and her partner. the boys are staying with their dad as neither wanted to go

DS18 has T1D which he hates but he's used to it and he usually is responsible but I will admit he was 13 when he was diagnosed and a lot of my time has gone on him and worry tbh, I don't worry about my other 2 as much as they don't give me any reason to worry!!
He doesn't talk about his feelings ever and he ended up failing his A levels which wasn't a huge shock as his attendance was poor

He's been quiet but he when he left to go to his dad's he seemed fine. I had a message from my youngest saying that ds1 had been taken to hospital because he'd messed his blood sugar levels up by eating loads of sweets and he did it over a girl. I messaged their dad because that was a 15 year olds account of things and he pretty much confirmed it and said he's handling it but when I asked if someone from the mental health team is going to talk to him he said no because DS doesn't need it but I think he does if he's done that over a girl.

His dad was quite angry he failed his A levels so i imagine he wouldve been on at him since he went there.

We landed Saturday night so we’re only 2 days in but im worrying about DS and want to go home but DD is furious, she usually gets on with him but she said he always tries to steal the attention like this and said if I leave it proves i care more about him and not her or her other brother or my granddaughter which isnt true. I don’t know how ill enjoy myself though for the next week especially whilst hes still in hospital as his dad said he had DKA and still is quite unwell but arguing with him about wanting him and everyone to leave him alone. I dont know who “everyone” is hes only been staying with his dad and brother

I feel stuck between my 2 children

I think it is a mistake to go back, he is getting care and has family around him. He has been making really bad choices, with relationships, with his school work, with drinking and you don't want to send the message that none of that matters compared to him getting better. Obviously it hugely matters that he gets better, but the other poor choices matter as well and eating too much sugar in a childish way to get out of an uncomfortable situation is yet another poor decision, not one that nullifies the others and gets him flowers and sympathy, brushing everything else under the rug.

A bit of time and reflection in hospital, where he is safe and hopefully a bit bored, could be good for him. Let him deal with the medical questions where he has to state out loud that he put his life at risk because of an ongoing girl drama. If he thinks this is a good way to move from parents being disappointed in him and giving his sister attention to all reassuring him and fussing around him, he is more likely to do it again and again.

Give him the space to process his negative feelings, they are normal, don't rush to try and fix them for him. Have him deal with the consequences, it will help him grow up a bit.

FWIW I had a chronic illness that I managed badly at university and nearly died from, so I know it's hard, but I also remember the stern, no nonsense talking to I had from a doctor which was a really seminal moment for me in terms of acceptance and maturity.

Yes of course I would?! If you read a comment I’ve left further up responding to another PP you’ll see that I’ve said I don’t think OP should come home at this point. So yes my response would be the same if it was any member of her immediate family.
maybe have a read up about T1D and the myriad of other issues that go along with it including mental health problems and you may have a little bit more empathy or at least realise it’s not a black and white situation.
There’s many variables including: how the diagnosed person deals with it/ how their body deals with it/ what resources are available to them/ family dynamics etc etc etc
it would be lovely if everyone could just accept the hand they’ve been dealt and skip along merrily through life but not every one can, some people struggle and need help. Maybe he’s asking for help in the wrong way but he’s 18, not a 3 year old having a tantrum for his mums attention.
Again tho, I don’t think at this stage she should go home, his dad is there and he is in hospital. DKA can often turn around fast and hopefully he will be discharged soon (maybe with a referral for mental health support)

I'm also an adult with an adult sibling, and while I can see that there are still some unbalanced and unhealthy dynamics in our family, I try my best and generally succeed in responding and acting/thinking like a grown-up rather than a child in that role in the family. At 25 and (presumably) as a responsible and capable person the DD can reasonably be expected to be a bit more thoughtful about this and not simply react like a sibling who's jealous of someone else getting more attention. I think her saying if the OP leaves it proves she cares more about her DS than her or her other brother or her granddaughter is appallingly immature and emotionally manipulative.

Respectfully his T1D is life long is this what its going to be running to his beck and call? Hes an adult and in general sometimes as a parent our job is to teach our kids not do everything for him.
He's an adult, yes, but a very young one, and was diagnosed at 13, so quite a vulnerable and young age, and it's still only five years in. So no, I'm not suggesting the OP should be going to his aid for the foreseeable future, but for now I think it's quite reasonable that he is asking for attention/help in whatever way he knows how.

As he should?….he is their child and is also living with a serious chronic condition

He is an 18 year old man who has the support of his dad. They do not need you at all. Your daughter is quite right and you have to stop his attention seeking behaviour by not giving it to him!

And the DD is just forgotten about.

I really can't believe what I'm reading.

It's so clear none of you have ever lived with a sibling with a health condition. You're always second best to the one with the health condition, and you know it.

I know about T1 diabetes. Exh had it

Dka isn’t a split second decision to commit suicide. DKA is caused by not managing his blood sugars over a period of time

Exh has never got to grips with looking after himself. I gave up trying to guide him years ago because he would only call me a nag

He won’t deny himself a bar of chocolate or a bottle of wine. He eats what he wants, when he wants and thinks someone will be there to take him to hospital when things go wrong

Stay put and have a great time with your dd and dgd. He is in the best place for him atm.

If you do return not only will the relationship with your daughter and son be irreparably damaged but your other son will know all he has to do is not control his diabetes in order to control you.

I think whether you realise it or not, from the moment your DS was diagnosed diabetic all your attention has been on this boy. To the point where your other children have felt pushed out.
Even when in their company you have probably come across as preoccupied.

No wonder your dd got angry.

DKA is afterall a self inflicted issue. Not because of a one off event but a steady decline in how he has been managing his diabetes.

Your DS needs to block this gf and concentrate on getting his life and his health under control and get out and find new friends and new experiences.

You have to let go and realise he is an adult. He might need some therapy and to set goals in life

The only thing you can do at this stage is to tell his father to tell the doctors to have a word with him about the importance of keeping his blood sugars regulated and maybe ask if he could be fitted with the automatic insulin pump to make it easier for him to manage his insulin.

Exactly! I was diagnosed with brittle asthma when I was 14 but never used it for attention. He is an adult in hospital, and had his dad with him. OP needs to show her daughter that she is also her priority.

Why on earth did you hear about your son being in Hospital from a child and not his father? That is the bit I’d be most cross about. But he has a parent there, I would stay with your daughter.

This.

Don't you dare even think about abandoning your DD (again) for this selfish young man.

Ask his father or brother to make sure he has his phone and then FaceTime or WhatsApp him - if he chooses not to take your call that tells you a lot about how much he (doesn't) need you.

You come across as selfish and controlling. Your son doesn't really NEED you. But, oh no, his dad and his brother, and the medical staff aren't enough - YOU have to rush to the rescue (because it makes YOU feel better) and everyone else just gets pushed aside.

I'm not saying this to be nasty @ChiefArk . Just be very clear though, that this is the message you will be giving your daughter! You need to stop thinking about yourself, focus on your DD and DGD and do your best to ensure they have a nice holiday.

Stay. He’s in the right place and has his dad with him.
He’s 18 and not a young kid, if I was your dd and you left I’d see that as a rejection that would be hard for me to get over.

Aw poor you. If only you'd been the one with the life threatening condition eh? Personally I was always relieved that the cup hadn't been passed my way (my sibling died of leukaemia and yes I got considerably less attention for a few years as a result of his illness).

I also think the OP should stay on holiday but this "pity the forgotten sibling" stuff yeah, no, bit distasteful coming from an adult.

Maybe in your experience and I’m sorry about that. Not every parent is perfect and in the moment it is really hard to prioritise who gets your attention but unfortunately if a child is ill or has to go to an appointment then what can you do?
it’s also clear from posts that most haven’t had to parent a well child along side a sick one who takes up more time but we can only speak from our own perspectives.
No one is forgetting the DD the OP is literally on holiday with her. The vast majority of PPs have said to stay on holiday (including me) but she’s still going to feel unsure about what the right thing to do is. Maybe in time if the DD has a second child she may relate more to trying to be balanced and fair between your children whether they are ill or not.

It's a hard position to be in and, like you, I would worry constantly about DS while I was away. But I think you should stay. He has a responsible parent with him and he has appropriate medical care. There is literally nothing you could do by returning except provide company (which I'm not knocking, but he has his dad and his brother; he's not alone).

If you leave your holiday, you risk ruining your relationship with your daughter and proving her point about her brother. Although still young, he's an adult, and he's had several years to learn to manage his health.

Leave and you will permanently damage your relationship with DD. Even you stay and be distracted it will cause damage.

what exactly will you do there that will make a difference that requires you to go there?

you need to do some soul searching if what DD said is true, btw

Leukemia is a bit different to T1D.

But you do you and continue to think that being always put second for your whole life is fine. We'll agree to disagree.

Just so you know this does come across as nasty.
As a mum I’d say it’s kind of normal to feel the need to be with your kid when they’re in hospital. Whether there are other parents or doctors and nurses there or not.
She has not booked the first available flight and abandoned her 25year old daughter she’s asked what people think she should do.
All these posts slagging off a poorly 18 year old boy they don’t know is absolute blowing my mind

You are right OP that you won’t enjoy the holiday but you have to stay and make the best of it for your daughter and grandchild. You cannot keep putting everyone else you love on the back burner.

Your son is clearly struggling and needs support. It is tough being a teenager- exams, love lives, feeling judged and misunderstood without the additional issue of physical illness. No 18 year old boys are fully cooked, diabetes or not. They make poor choices, they do stupid things and
sometimes those things are not only stupid but dangerous and reckless. Your son is currently being supported by their other parent, in a hospital setting. Take this week to get yourself together and think about how you can help him when you get home

What sort of relationship do you want with your daughter going forward? Because it sounds like she’s had enough of playing second fiddle to her brother, however justified you may consider yourself.

A parent acting with the best of intentions does not mean that those actions cannot inflict harm as an unintended consequence. ‘I did my best’ does not mean your child/ren will judge you favorably, or have a good relationship with you.

This comes across as you give your bare minimum to your other children so why should they complain but when it comes to your eldest DS then he really is the Golden Child

Do you actually acknowledge that they want you present in their lives because it is coming across as your main focus is on your immature eldest DS

You dismiss your DD’s experience as saying that she was at university when eldest ds was diagnosed. But when she came home was the only topic of conversation her brother and his diabetes.

As for not knowing if he has his phone with him, of course he has. And he won’t text you back because he expects you to get on a plane. He wants to make you worry.

If you are going to mope around your dd will tell you to go back to your golden child and don’t bother planning to do anything with her or your dgd again and youngest will be off asap
Leaving you with your eldest who knows he has your sole attention,

I feel stuck between my 2 children

You know you have 3 children or have you forgotten one of them already
This isn’t just between your DS and his sister it will also show your youngest that the only thing that matters is his brother

DD has her partner and child they don't need you except maybe as a baby sitter. Go home if you are worried about him, can you talk to him directly or to the hospital to get the full story? I would have been on the next plane if one of my DC had been taken to hospital like that and was in mental distress.

This is so dismissive! Yes it’s self inflicted, but he is still poorly! And, it’s potentially life threatening, so it sort of was an emergency (at the time)
To have the attitude of basically “oh well, you did it to yourself, so cope” is so harsh. This her own child, and this was a serious cry for help.
I would never waver my child that way, if they self harmed like this.

@FairKoala Please look into the many reasons of why a type 1 diabetic might go into DKA because it is very often not self inflicted and clearly you don’t know anything about T1 despite proudly proclaiming you do. It might have been done purposely on this occasion but there are many other reasons it happens.

Stay with DD & the baby. DS is 18 has a parent with him & is receiving the medical care he needs. Mental health care takes months to organize & can wait until you get home. This has the potential to damage your relationship with your DD & grandchild.

Diabetes isn’t Leukemia

Diabetes can be managed with diet and insulin.

But this person chooses to use it as a weapon with the full approval of his mother