To leave holiday early even if it will upset my dd?

[ChiefArk]

I have 3 children - DD25 DS18 DS15. Currently away with DD and my 8 month old granddaughter and her partner. the boys are staying with their dad as neither wanted to go

DS18 has T1D which he hates but he's used to it and he usually is responsible but I will admit he was 13 when he was diagnosed and a lot of my time has gone on him and worry tbh, I don't worry about my other 2 as much as they don't give me any reason to worry!!
He doesn't talk about his feelings ever and he ended up failing his A levels which wasn't a huge shock as his attendance was poor

He's been quiet but he when he left to go to his dad's he seemed fine. I had a message from my youngest saying that ds1 had been taken to hospital because he'd messed his blood sugar levels up by eating loads of sweets and he did it over a girl. I messaged their dad because that was a 15 year olds account of things and he pretty much confirmed it and said he's handling it but when I asked if someone from the mental health team is going to talk to him he said no because DS doesn't need it but I think he does if he's done that over a girl.

His dad was quite angry he failed his A levels so i imagine he wouldve been on at him since he went there.

We landed Saturday night so we’re only 2 days in but im worrying about DS and want to go home but DD is furious, she usually gets on with him but she said he always tries to steal the attention like this and said if I leave it proves i care more about him and not her or her other brother or my granddaughter which isnt true. I don’t know how ill enjoy myself though for the next week especially whilst hes still in hospital as his dad said he had DKA and still is quite unwell but arguing with him about wanting him and everyone to leave him alone. I dont know who “everyone” is hes only been staying with his dad and brother

I feel stuck between my 2 children

I absolutely understand that you are worried, 18 or not, he's still your son. However, your son is in hospital and has his Dad by his bedside. At 18, your son is legally an adult, you can't force him to accept mental health support, even if you know it's something he needs. Stay on holiday with your daughter and granddaughter, you're not there for long as it is. Your son's Dad can keep you updated. Even if you flew home, what can you practically do, that his Dad can't?

Dad couldn't even ensure his T1D son had his phone. Assuming he has a CGM this is a necessity.

I find it hard to believe the DS went into DKA during the few hours the Dad and his brother were at a football match.

Someone seriously needs to have access to his follow data.

His dad is not with him. He’s gone to work.

Dont be ridiculous my youngest son is severley autistic he takes up a lot of my time
My oldest son understands this however
When my oldest son collaapsed at home and was in DKA he was my priority i spent six days and nights sat at his bed side
Thats what you do as a parent you have to priortise the child that needs you most at the time.

Yep. This.

I really, really feel for you and I would be torn as well and hate to be in a different country if one of my children was in hospital, even if there was nothing I could practically do.

However your daughter has voiced that she wants and needs you too, she is a relatively new mum herself and I think it will count a lot with her if you stay and prioritise her and your new grand daughter. You can call and FaceTime your son easily to keep up to date and help him.

On a more personal note my mum left a holiday I was on with her once (when I had very young children and was a newly single mum) and I felt so sad and abandoned by it, I have forgiven her but not really forgotten. If you make a choice to leave you could be paying for it for a while.

really wishing your son better though xx

I hate these threads sometimes. The default seems to be to put the boot in to OP’s despite the difficulties they’re posting about. They seem to attract the most inward looking and self absorbed posters determined to project their own experiences no matter how inappropriate.

Exactly that. Attention seeking at it's finest. The dad sounds competent and can handle it.

Hi. Thanks for the reply.
not all T1 are under a specialist. Given his age I would hope to think he is under Young persons/ transition clinic/paeds but people do get lost to follow up, Do not attend.

Hopefulky he will be seen again soon.

Is that why he’s gone to work and left DS on his own ? Any idea how serious DKA is ?

Is it true that he does these things when other people are getting more attention?

My siblings has a medical condition (not diabetes) but my mum is definitely very over protective because of it and absolutely is of the mindset that no one else can handle them like her and she panders to it no end. They have a habit of kicking off when others are centre of attention.

They did a runner at my wedding right before ceremony. Went out and sat in the car. Mum said she couldn't leave them upset so went and sat with them. Missed everything, wouldn't swap with anyone as wouldn't 'do it right'. Graduation same story. Birth of first child insisted on bringing them with her to visit then same again. Didn't even come in.

Do I love my sibling? Yes. But there is no denying that they have always been absolute centre of all attention and resources. Everything dropped for them to the exclusion of all else. Not a single milestone unmarred by their antics.

You are putting your son above your daughter and granddaughter if you leave. He is an adult with a parent under medical care. Its clear your daughter already has some resentment about you favouring him over the years. She's already had that disappointment about her but now you're also doing it to her child too and she is PISSED. Don't be surprised if she starts keeping a distance between you and grandchild to stop them feeling the disappointment of learning they're below your son in your eyes.

But this isn’t the situation with OP. DD was twenty years old when DS was diagnosed - her childhood wasn’t affected at all, she was at uni and then married, so where would the resentment come from ? OP has also said DD invited her on the holiday to babysit, so I don’t know how that figures if OP decides to go home, other than DD losing her baby sitter. Nothing in what OP has said indicates that there is any reason for DD to think that they’re ‘below’ DS in OP’s eyes.

The reality is that DS is unwell and there’s a distinct possibility that he has MH issues. OP is his mother, of course she’s going to be worried about him, but there are some posters here who are projecting their own experiences in order to make her feel guilty about that.

And OP updated a while ago, DS is on his own in hospital - his dad has gone to work, despite admitting to OP that DS is still quite unwell.

I was referring to the specialist team looking after him in hospital.

Listen to your daugbter.She obviously feels he is more important than her and her sibling and grandchild. Why would she say this ?Obviously it is a fact. He is in hospital ,getting help. He is with his father. Facetime him. He is 18 not 8!!

She's 25 not 12.

He's in hospital with a serious condition.

She's on holiday with her partner.

OP can't facetime him. His Dad pissed off to work and left him without a phone!

Is he even allowed to be in hospital with him if he's moved on from A&E. Hospital wards have visiting times not anyone can visit whenever they like. He's 18, he'll be in an adults ward.

Hardly on his own in a hospital

Op stay with your daughter. Your son is safe and with his dad, and you can really address this when you get home.

However I cannot believe what I'm reading on here about people's attitude to T1D. Whoever said unless you're the parent of a T1D, a diabetes heath care worker or have T1D yourself then you have no idea was spot on.

Type 1 diabetes is brutal. Physically, emotionally, mentally. And it never ever stops. I am the parent of a t1d, so I dont have it myself but even I get diabetes burnout. My child is young so I basically function as their pancreas, making all decisions, calculations, treatments, constant night wakings and will continue to do so until they are older and more independent. I am exhausted. Chronically burnt out. And Im not even the one who has to suffer the physical effects of T1D, the scary lows that mean you can't walk or speak or even see properly, and the highs that make you feel terrible.

T1D does a number on your mental health. OP I really feel for you, and I think your son needs some careful support with his mental health when you get home. I would also be beside myself with worry. But you dont need to rush back. Call him, reassure him, stay with your daughter for now who also needs you and is telling you that.

The rest of you spouting your ignorance and occasional insults at a teenager living with a relentless disease that can kill you while you're sleeping should feel ashamed. A friend of mine died in his sleep from a hypo 20 years ago. It makes me worry for what lies ahead for my dc, this ignorance and judgement of others.

I think it depends
My son was diagnosed at 16 physically he had gone through puberty and had a full beard and hairy chest so essentially an adult male and was admitted to the adult ICU but mentally he was still a 16 year old boy who needed his mum so they allowed me to stay by his side day and night for six days untill ww knew he was recovering.

I totally get you won’t relax on holiday thinking about your son.

You know what the reason for her asking you on holiday is. Is it purely as a babysitter? Is she only saying what she is to make you feel guilty about leaving when she’s counting on you being a babysitter? If so I would return home. She’s away with her partner not on her own. They should be able to manage their own 8 month old. Plus being a mum now she should have more empathy for you wanting to be with your sick son in hospital.

He's with his dad

Why do you need to run to him

Don't ruin your relationship with your daughter and granddaughter because you can't relinquish control

Your daughter will never forgive you if you leave - rightly so.

I’m a T1, so I know that DKA doesn’t happen because you “ate a load of sweets”. It’s a lack of insulin, resulting in ketones, which cause DKA. High blood glucose happens as part of that because there is a lack of insulin, and blood glucose that is raised because you ate too much doesn’t equal DKA.

Is he on a pump (and is it closed-loop if so)? Or MDI? That helps determine how it got to DKA., and that in turn determines next steps.

whats important though is that you can support your son from a distance and still enjoy your holiday. The DKA is being treated and his condition will be improving minute on minute. He’s 18 and old enough to know that sometimes mummy can’t drop everything, and also to understand that he can’t demand that any more.

After seeing this reply it seems your daughter is pissed off at you leaving the holiday early due to it meaning she loses her babysitter for her and her partner to have some child free time. She can call her brother selfish all she likes but is she really any better stamping her feet like a spoilt child and trying to guilt you into staying by accusing you of favouring her brother?

Relinquish control? She's worried about him.

I can't understand why a healthy 25 year old mother with a partner is being given more understanding than an 18 year old in hospital.

Is it because she's female I wonder.