To leave holiday early even if it will upset my dd?

[ChiefArk]

I have 3 children - DD25 DS18 DS15. Currently away with DD and my 8 month old granddaughter and her partner. the boys are staying with their dad as neither wanted to go

DS18 has T1D which he hates but he's used to it and he usually is responsible but I will admit he was 13 when he was diagnosed and a lot of my time has gone on him and worry tbh, I don't worry about my other 2 as much as they don't give me any reason to worry!!
He doesn't talk about his feelings ever and he ended up failing his A levels which wasn't a huge shock as his attendance was poor

He's been quiet but he when he left to go to his dad's he seemed fine. I had a message from my youngest saying that ds1 had been taken to hospital because he'd messed his blood sugar levels up by eating loads of sweets and he did it over a girl. I messaged their dad because that was a 15 year olds account of things and he pretty much confirmed it and said he's handling it but when I asked if someone from the mental health team is going to talk to him he said no because DS doesn't need it but I think he does if he's done that over a girl.

His dad was quite angry he failed his A levels so i imagine he wouldve been on at him since he went there.

We landed Saturday night so we’re only 2 days in but im worrying about DS and want to go home but DD is furious, she usually gets on with him but she said he always tries to steal the attention like this and said if I leave it proves i care more about him and not her or her other brother or my granddaughter which isnt true. I don’t know how ill enjoy myself though for the next week especially whilst hes still in hospital as his dad said he had DKA and still is quite unwell but arguing with him about wanting him and everyone to leave him alone. I dont know who “everyone” is hes only been staying with his dad and brother

I feel stuck between my 2 children

Stay on your holiday. Your DS is 18 , an adult in his own right and has his dad with him. There is nothing you can add to the situation other than make all more dramatic than it needs to be by rushing back home to him. The mental health team in A& E won’t be interested in the slightest because he ate too many sweets and his blood sugar shot up. They will leave it to the diabetes team or the A&E medics who can deal with it and refer to the diabetes team to give him some more education about how to better manage his blood sugars.

Enjoy your holiday with your DD and family. Also perhaps reflect on how you are interacting with DS and other family members. For DD to say something suggests that you are devoting too much of your attention to DS1 and he is in turn playing to the audience. While diabetes is serious it is manageable and best managed with little fuss and in a matter of fact way, not rushing to his side from a holiday because he has a hyper or the same if it was a hypo.

I really think you need to stay. I think this situation should be a good wake up call for your DS that he is an adult and needs to look after himself. You running back does him no favours. And you’re letting your daughter down. Even if you can’t enjoy it you must stay and pretend

His blood sugars didnt just shoot up
He went into DKA thats life threatening .

Surely the doctors would involve mental health team if they deemed it necessary. Before upping and leaving (and potentially damaging a relationship with your daughter) organise a video call when dad or your other son is at the hospital and find out for yourself if this was accidental comfort eating or a deliberate attempt. Then and only then make a decision to either stay or go home

This is disgustung, and completely wrong. if he has intentionally had excessive sugar/with held insulin in an attempt to harm himself I can absolutely assure you that it will be taken seriously and he will be seen or referred to some kind of mental health intervention.
Also sometimes it’s not about one big gesture that will end it all. If someone is depressed or burnt out with it they will just give up on their treatment and wait for the cumulative effect.
Do you work a lot in A&E? Or a diabetes clinic?
i would guess he is on a ward now and will be seen by a diabetic specialist if not his own regular team. They will take this seriously and understand it’s not a case of more education, he knows what he needs to do,it’s not that simple.
How dare you accuse the OP of being dramatic. Your post is very condescending and shows you’ve no experience in this

Quite!

He would have had to have been high for quite a few hours for ketones to have built up enough to go into DKA.

The highest ketone level my DS has had since diagnosis was 1.6 after 3 hours of 20-25 mmol (normal range is 4-7 mmol).

This was during the morning at school with insulin on board (can see it on his PDM) from breakfast. Took another 3-4 hours to get to normal range and get rid of the ketones. We never figured out why he went so high but he had an exam and stress can cause high blood sugar. I brought him home. He started going back down.

DKA is normally ketones above 3.0.

OP can I just add that if your XH knows so little about your DS's condition that he would leave him without his phone (assuming he uses it as a medical device), I wouldn't take his explanation for what he said happened to cause the DKA as accurate.

Especially as he's angry with him about his A levels (shit attitude IMO, diabetes is known to have an impact on education). He may well have the same view as the idiots on here who know nothing about T1D - that he did it for attention.

DS may well have taken insulin but not enough. Easy to underestimate with sweets which are pure sugar. Combine with stress.

He must also have been very high for a long period. We would have sent DS messages asking what had happened if he got to 18 and had an up arrow.

Does he wear an Omnipod? Could that have failed? That often creates highs.

Do you not have his data from his CGM on your phones?

If you think DKA is the same as a hypo or a hyper then you know little to nothing about diabetes. And l can assure you that the MH team will be involved and if they identify that DS has deliberately put his own life in danger by weaponising his condition, they will intervene. The lack of knowledge around T1 and assumptions being made here are resulting in terrible advice.

That’s not what OP says. At all.

Sorry, what ?

I would stay. He is with his dad and being looked after. Give him a ring.
It sounds like he needs more specialist support to mange his condition.
Is he under a specialist diabetes team? The GP or hospital can refer if not.

They may have a psychologist within the service or they can refer on if not. They can also provide education on managing his insulin properly when going out for drinks with his mates.

I understand why you’re worried but realistically what would going home achieve, other than upsetting your daughter?

No it isn’t. It’s a life threatening condition which can often result in associated mental health conditions. DS is very young and was only diagnosed five years ago. It’s a huge impact on his life to have to deal with at that age.

Surely the imediate priority is getting your ex to take your sons phone to him so you can speak with your son directly.

You will also need his consent for health professionals to update/speak to you about his condition given he’s an adult (you can’t just call the ward and demand a conversation with the consultant/Dr/MH team.

Once you have a better picture of what’s going on you can then make a decision.

You are also better placed - if you decide to go to him - to explain why to your DD.

The risk right now is she sees you as bailing on her again without really understanding the seriousness of the situation.

He has a parent with him, but I understand why that’s not necessarily a reassurance to you.

Speak to your son first and go from there.

What is you being there going to change?! Because he is 18 years old, and with his Dad.

Personally, I wouldn’t be going back early. It may be different if this was just before you were due to fly but not when you are already there. Your daughter will be upset and I kinda see why x

He has DKA. That’s life threatening. He will be directly under the care of a specialist endocrinology team which usually means a specialist consultant, diabetes nursing, dietician and psychologist. With the exception of those who clearly have first hand experience, l’m not sure many posters have any idea of the psychological effects of a T1D diagnosis. DS is very young and despite his condition being known to have an effect on education his dad has come down him like a ton of bricks. That will be a major source of stress. And it’s concerning that OP found out about his hospital admission from her youngest and not their dad, given that DKA is an emergency. I’m not surprised she wants to come home.

Odd of survival are far higher with diabetes than leukemia.
Genuinely can't see how you're managing to say they are the same.

But I'm really bowing out because I've made my point about being the well sibling and that not being a bed of roses.

You know nothing about type 1 dm in teens with mental health problems.. Not so easy. If he refuses to inject he can be in DKA within a day or two (quicker if its a pump that has no long acting insulin).

Op I'm sorry to hear this. Been there and have the t-shirt. If he was in DKA they should keep him in a couple days and your husband needs to keep a close check on him. Has anyone got a Dexcom follow or Libre link on him?
Interesting what your daughter said tho. Does he do this a lot? I'd be worried but try and stay but get regular updates from dad.

I think you should let his father handle it. Your daughter clearly feels that you favor your youngest. He is in the best of hands and getting the physical care that he needs and when you get home, you can follow up on any mental health needs you think he has.

I truly do empathize. I was on vacation with my mom and sister when my eldest had a mental health crisis and I was away from home and I couldn’t get back. Added to that my mom was having heart surgery when we got back, was scared to do it alone, and my sister wouldn’t stay. It was a really tough decision, but my child was getting help and was with their father and so I stayed the extra days with my mom and everybody was OK. Trust that your son is where he needs to be and he’s getting in the moment and everything else can be dealt with later.

Hows your son now ,

What can you honestly do. There are other adults with him. Sounds like attention seeking behaviour to me. Ignore.

I wouldnt.

I understand your concerns OP but by the time you have got a flight home your DS will have no doubt got his insulin levels under control and will be well on the road to recovery. The endocrinology/diabetic team will have given him a ticking off too.
Stay with your DD and and GC and try and relax.

Disagree. She's 25 with her partner and baby. She has a very vulnerable, very unwell much younger brother. She needs to grow up.

20 - according to OP’s timeline DS was diagnosed with T1D when he was 13. He’s now 18, and OP says DD is now 25. But you’re splitting hairs to a ridiculous degree. This isn’t a case of one child being constantly prioritised above another throughout childhood - she was away at uni and has her own life and children now. It’s pathetic for her to suggest to OP that if she leaves the holiday she will somehow be showing favour to DS - DKA is life threatening and he’ll have been admitted as an emergency. DD is a mum herself so should have at least an idea of how it feels when your child is seriously unwell. What’s more of a concern is why his dad didn’t let OP know what had happened - that was left to his 15 year old brother.

I didn’t say it was about the odds of survival. T1D is a serious life long condition which can have life threatening consequences. This isn’t disability top trumps. And DD is 25 - she wasn’t a child when DS was diagnosed, she was a grown woman so lets’ stop with the poor neglected child, second best because of her unwell sibling, because that clearly wasn’t the case.