To leave holiday early even if it will upset my dd?

[ChiefArk]

I have 3 children - DD25 DS18 DS15. Currently away with DD and my 8 month old granddaughter and her partner. the boys are staying with their dad as neither wanted to go

DS18 has T1D which he hates but he's used to it and he usually is responsible but I will admit he was 13 when he was diagnosed and a lot of my time has gone on him and worry tbh, I don't worry about my other 2 as much as they don't give me any reason to worry!!
He doesn't talk about his feelings ever and he ended up failing his A levels which wasn't a huge shock as his attendance was poor

He's been quiet but he when he left to go to his dad's he seemed fine. I had a message from my youngest saying that ds1 had been taken to hospital because he'd messed his blood sugar levels up by eating loads of sweets and he did it over a girl. I messaged their dad because that was a 15 year olds account of things and he pretty much confirmed it and said he's handling it but when I asked if someone from the mental health team is going to talk to him he said no because DS doesn't need it but I think he does if he's done that over a girl.

His dad was quite angry he failed his A levels so i imagine he wouldve been on at him since he went there.

We landed Saturday night so we’re only 2 days in but im worrying about DS and want to go home but DD is furious, she usually gets on with him but she said he always tries to steal the attention like this and said if I leave it proves i care more about him and not her or her other brother or my granddaughter which isnt true. I don’t know how ill enjoy myself though for the next week especially whilst hes still in hospital as his dad said he had DKA and still is quite unwell but arguing with him about wanting him and everyone to leave him alone. I dont know who “everyone” is hes only been staying with his dad and brother

I feel stuck between my 2 children

He hasn’t destroyed his future. I didn’t do my A levels. I’ve got an honours degree and a professional career.

Agree.

This is a serious situation which she needs to understand.

Knowledge is power hence sharing this article

pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6777546/

You can help DS once youre back, ExP wouldnt let him harm himself.

Stay. Hes safe, hes medicated, he has his dad. You can take him to his GO next week

I just don't know how I’ll enjoy my holiday now knowing ds is in hospital even if he is with his dad. I haven't managed to talk to him yet I don't know if he has his phone with him but he's not replied to me
so you really don’t want to be on holiday with her, your main focus is ds18?
poor girl

Stay - he's an adult and has his dad with him.

@ChiefArk I would have gone home if I thought it was a suicide attempt. If not then dad can handle it. You need to talk to him in order to find out.

Ignore ??
Attention seeking or not its life threatening
Would you ignore your own child
Who had a medical emergency ?

A self induced medical emergency, which just happened to be when his mum was giving his sister attention… just like when the gc was born

So what?

Oh for fuck’s sake. We’re not talking about a child who was constantly neglected in favour of her sick sibling throughout childhood. She was a twenty year old grown ass woman at uni when he was diagnosed and is now a mother herself. It isn’t a question of ‘poor girl’ at all.

Has no-one on this, at times sickeningly ignorant, thread, stopped to wonder why DS has neglected his condition to the point where he was admitted as an emergency ? He was diagnosed at thirteen - a critical time for his education, and alongside that he had to cope with a serious, life affecting condition. His father has come down on him like a ton of bricks for failing his A levels, and wasn’t even concerned enough to contact OP himself to let her know her son had been admitted to hospital - his younger brother had to do it. Of course OP’s fucking focus is her son - DKA is life threatening, DS clearly has associated MH issues and isn’t coping with his condition. You’d have to be an ice queen not to prioritise that.

Because he isn’t being ignored… he has a hospital team around him and his dad?

If you’re absolutely sure that’s the only reason you were invited then yes, I’d go back too.

My sympathies OP, I became T1D at 30, I couldn’t imagine what it must be like for a teen. From what I understand your son is very normal in terms of his response to the disease alongside other stressors - it’s not uncommon to get diabetic burn out and overload on sugar (or alcohol, more dangerously). It’s a serious cry for help, and DKA is deadly. Shame on all those posters dismissing the acuteness and seriousness of the situation - their comments are a waste of your energy, ignore them. Your daughter also needs to pull her head in. That said, he is 18, maybe this is an opportunity. Stay on holiday, but plan what you’ll do with him long term. He must be in care of the adult team now, which means more options for training, pumps, etc. The could be a new chapter in his care and him taking ownership of his life. The condition you need to get familiar with and move him on from is “diabetic burn out” - his care team will likely diagnose it. Until you’re back tho, focus on your granddaughter, and what you’ll can do where you are. You’re a good mum. You’re doing great x

You mean the dad who didn’t even think to let his mum know he was in hospital with a life threatening complication ? He left that to DS’s fifteen year old brother. No cause for worry at all then.

Well for “fuck’s sake”…
we’re talking about an adult male… he has medical team and a parent with him, what additional powers does his mum bring?

She doesn’t bring any additional powers. She’s worried about her son and wants to be with him, and posters here are treating that as some sort of crime. DD invited OP on the holiday to babysit. Or did you miss that ? There is no neglect of any other children involved here - DD is a grown woman and a mother. She should understand. DS may technically be an adult, but it sounds as though emotionally he’s far from it, and you sound as though you have no idea of what a T1D diagnosis actually means. And no, his dad is not there with him. He’s gone to work. You missed that too.

OP has updated a few times to say dad is not there with him- he’s gone to work. And her DS does not have her phone on him.

Actually disgusted at the comments on here. As the sibling of a child with a chronic health condition, and parent of a child with a chronic health condition, I think the DD needs to grow up and understand the seriousness of the situation.

This thread will go the same way as ever, anyone who has any compassion or can see from the DDs viewpoint will be told how awful she and they are, and that she should realise that she has to accept her parents will never prioritise her or her children and she should just accept this.

Agreed but i dont think some posters understand how serious it is either
My son was disgnosed in DKA he very nearly
didnt make it
For the most part type1s can live a fairly normal life
But when things go wrong they can be catastrophic

I would phone the ward he's on (which I appreciate will be challenging) and ask to be kept updated regarding his care. And I would be very persistent about him seen by a mental health team.

But I can also see where your DD is coming from. I think the risk of you coming home is that she won't ever forgive you for it.

No, it will go the same way as ever in the sense that OP’s who have disabled children with sibling will be made to feel guilty because they have little or no choice but to prioritise their disabled child.

I’ve seen some sickening threads on here - one recent one absolutely demonising a single mother who was the sole carer to an obviously profoundly disabled child whose elder brother was acting out. Despite having no family support and only four hours of respite per week she was roundly criticised for the care she had no choice in giving her son, and characterised as neglectful.

DD was a grown woman when her brother was diagnosed. Instead of whining about priorities she should be thanking her lucky stars it wasn’t her with the diagnosis. Newsflash - disability is not the fault of the disabled or their parents, except, it seems, on MN.

I'd say it's worse to be the sibling with the life threatening medical condition actually. No matter what it is.

I tried to minimise DS's condition in my mind searching out stories of long lived and healthy T1Ds to try to keep normality and to preserve my own mental health until I read about the teenager who had appeared in a video I'd seen a few months before to raise awareness of what it was like living with the condition and hope for a cure.

Her part in it was portraying the disturbed nights having to deal with corrections and her Mum getting up to wake her to treat a hypo. Then it showed an alternate reality of the relief of them getting a full night's sleep if there was a cure. It was very accurate.

She'd died in her sleep from a hypo at 13.

That hit me like a brick.

Can you imagine being a teenager knowing there was a very real risk you could die in your sleep, and the effect of that on your mental health?

I think the risk of you coming home is that she won't ever forgive you for it.

Yep, because she’ll have lost her babysitter.

Will they do that though without his permission as he is an adult

Dd being particularly nasty about it imo. She must know how worryou are being a parent herself. Maybe she just doesn't get how serious diabetes is? After all most people look fine don't they so you don't always understand what damage is happening under the surface.
Id still stay though, just keep in touch with your boy and let him know if he wants you you will be there.