Friend assuming wedding invite despite not inviting me to hers the same year..

[wedding27]

I'm curious what people think is more important with wedding invites: inviting those who have invited you, vs inviting full friendship / family groups so no one is left out.

We have recently decided to get married next year and have just started letting friends and family know.

I am part of a group of 6 very close friends (20+ years, meet every few months, always attend major life events etc) and one of the others is also getting married next year. She has been planning the wedding for 6 months and although I initially took if for granted I'd be invited (don't think I said this to her, just thought it) it's slowly dawned on me that I am not. It's a big wedding venue and local so not really an issue of space.

Despite going to the engagement party, there were lots of weird hints over the 6 months that I wasn't invited but the real kicker was discovering from one of the other women in the group that there has been a hen do WhatsApp for months and it's now all booked. So I was quite sad but accepted we maybe aren't as close as I thought and that was that.

I then awkwardly had to tell her we were also getting married next year. I didn't give anything away about the date, who was invited, size of wedding etc. just to try and keep my options open. However, she immediately assumed she was invited and started talking about how excited she was and how much she was looking forward to it(!!) So then I started thinking: Have I got the wrong end of the stick about the hen do somehow?! But lo and behold the save the dates have already gone out and I haven't received one. I asked her directly and she has confirmed we are evening only, her rationale being that she's not inviting our group except one women who is an exception.

But why would she assume she's coming to mine?!
I guess it's because we are a level of closeness that she has taken it as a given she would be invited, as had I with hers initially! But it doesn't feel very fair.

Ultimately I am inviting this group of friends. One of them is even going to be a bridesmaid. I don't really want to exclude just one person from the group but this feels a bit bizarre and quite cheeky. It's mainly the hen do I'm upset about to be honest, because obviously as an evening guest I'm completely excluded from that whereas she would be coming to mine a month or two later..

AIBU?

Invite her for the evening end of. What’s to discuss? If you invite her for the whole shebang you’ll resent it, just tell her you’re taking her cue, if she asks. ‘I thought it was appropriate as you invited me for the evening, is there a problem?’…if she says there is then she’s putting herself in a laughable position. Honestly…F her. ‘Entitled’ people don’t deserve to be given special treatment.

Whilst I agree that folks are allowed to invite or not anyone they want, there are some etiquette rules... Last weekend me and my fiancee were going to his friends daughter's wedding. I didn't expect an invite but whatever. Then, two days before the wedding the dad (my fiancee's friend) said it was evening only. Perfect, we thought (more than I expected, considering we don't even know his daughter). Then on Saturday afternoon my fiancée tells me there's been a mistake and he is invited to the whole day but I have evening only invite. (We have been together for 10 years and the the said friend always tells me how I'm part of the "family"....yeah right!) So, we went to evening only. AND then I discovered that there were NO OTHER evening only invitees... Fuck weddings, quite frankly!!!!

Be the bigger person and invite her if you want her to come.

Don’t invite her. What a CF! Why would she exclude you from her hen?!? & then expect to be invited. I hate wedding dynamics & if I had my time again I’d elope but this is pure cheeky f**kery

It was only later that day when I asked around that I discovered others had already received save the dates so I messaged her upfront to confirm what was going on

You seem to mean save the dates for the hen do. But you said that only one of your group had been invited to this women's hen do, so who are the "others" who received save the dates...?

‘At the moment’ might mean, I’m hoping Great Aunty Eun turns us down so I can invite more day guests.

Absolutely. I was invited to a hen and stag do and then the evening do. I didn't think anything of it.

She is not your friend. I'd re-evaluate the whole group at this point. Ban her and let your ushers know!

@wedding27 please match her energy.

Its not tit for tat, but she clearly doesn't see your group the same as you.

Not a problem, but just do as she does....evening invite only......

I would ask her why your group are not invited to any of her wedding/hen? I think she is about to cause ructions within the group by doing that. I would invite her to the evening. Cf probably wants a free dinner! Who is getting married first? Maybe she would like some ideas!

DO NOT INVITE HER.

I'm telling you now you will regret it. This always happens when people feel guilted into extending invites where it is never reciprocated. If you have an evening thing then invite her to that as well; same status.

She's likely talking as though she's coming because she's relying on you to feel uncomfortable about not inviting her as a result. Has this been present in your friendship dynamic before?

"Ban her and let your ushers know!"

OP, print photos of her face and pin them up in the wedding venue. Send digital copies to the ushers.

/s

I know that you feel disgruntled !!!!!!! ( LOL)
I have a solution;
Do No send her a Formal card invitation.
Send her an invitation TO THE EVENING by way of sloppy text message. Send it as late in the day as possible and don't mention PLUS ONE. if she asks about PLUS ONE , say" of course.. " ..oh and say Evening party starts at 8pm. Or LATER than in - reality, so she misses The Buffet.

Have you considered inviting her, but only giving her a plus one for the evening 😉

She’s kind of getting away with being a CF isn’t she as she thinks people won’t think she’s a CF as she has only invited 1 of the group so it’s fine she’s left you and the other 3 out yet she knows you will look like a CF if you invite everyone in the group except her! It’s like she knows she has to be invited by default.

I would def be having a chat with the other 3 in the group and get their opinions and then take it from there. I think they will agree that you shouldn’t invite her to the day as she didn’t invite you. Why spend the money on her when she isn’t prepared to spend it on you, regardless of the friendship group dynamics.

Invite her to the evening part and say ‘I thought that’s what we were doing now?’

no way would I ask her to the wedding.

nobody is going to ask you straight out so just keep skirting around it, and she will get the message when she gets the evening invite.

if she actually asks you just repeat as above ‘I thought that’s what we were doing, I took my lead from you’

you might have lots of people thinking they are going to your wedding that are not, you will have to toughen up or start using the ‘the wedding planner is taking care of invitations’ excuse.

This is definitely a thing. Some people feel entitled to one-sided effort friendships, and they get off on the power dynamic. When you stop performing they get angry.

I’d just invite her to the evening do the same as she has. No explanation necessary really as she’s totally omitted you from the Hen do!

I agree. She doesn’t just get to go because she says it. She is not invited.

Someone who was going to be my MoH let it slip that she thought she meant more to me than I did to her. I asked her directly in a 'do or die' moment for the friendship and she admitted it. Haven't spoken to her since and my life is better in so many ways not feeling second best, insecure, querying the friendship. All the friendships I have in my 40s are so wholesome and make me so happy. I sense you are slightly younger than me but when you go back on this thread in a decade's time you will have 10 years of hindsight and be glad you let that friendship fade. It would probably be too catastrophic to the wider friendship group to exclude her but slow fade from now on and be happier for it.

Even if one is invited somewhere, it doesn't mean you have to go...

Why is it a tit for tat? She has only invited one of the girls group, if she'd invited everyone I'd understand but she hasn't she's invited one and the rest ( you included) have been invited to the evening do, what's the pettiness about? Invite if want to or don't but could cause a divide

Just don't invite her. If she brings up the missing invite, tell her, straight up, do not apologize, in any way, do not sugar coat, I am not inviting you to my wedding, just as you did not invite me to yours. Truthfully, I was surprised to discover when I was not invited to your wedding that you and I are not friends like that, but I respect your boundaries, and I have honored them. Cc the friend group

Then tell her , that sure she will understand that she’s only coming to the evening , like you are to hers - and sure she will understand as same like you have 😉that you have other people to consider all day

hens now seem to cost 100’s so be happy not going

and if only one of the group of you are going all day - then it’s not that you ar being deliberately missed out

You are clearly determined to be offended; people can always find offence when they want to. You could just focus on enjoying your own wedding.