Friend assuming wedding invite despite not inviting me to hers the same year..

[wedding27]

I'm curious what people think is more important with wedding invites: inviting those who have invited you, vs inviting full friendship / family groups so no one is left out.

We have recently decided to get married next year and have just started letting friends and family know.

I am part of a group of 6 very close friends (20+ years, meet every few months, always attend major life events etc) and one of the others is also getting married next year. She has been planning the wedding for 6 months and although I initially took if for granted I'd be invited (don't think I said this to her, just thought it) it's slowly dawned on me that I am not. It's a big wedding venue and local so not really an issue of space.

Despite going to the engagement party, there were lots of weird hints over the 6 months that I wasn't invited but the real kicker was discovering from one of the other women in the group that there has been a hen do WhatsApp for months and it's now all booked. So I was quite sad but accepted we maybe aren't as close as I thought and that was that.

I then awkwardly had to tell her we were also getting married next year. I didn't give anything away about the date, who was invited, size of wedding etc. just to try and keep my options open. However, she immediately assumed she was invited and started talking about how excited she was and how much she was looking forward to it(!!) So then I started thinking: Have I got the wrong end of the stick about the hen do somehow?! But lo and behold the save the dates have already gone out and I haven't received one. I asked her directly and she has confirmed we are evening only, her rationale being that she's not inviting our group except one women who is an exception.

But why would she assume she's coming to mine?!
I guess it's because we are a level of closeness that she has taken it as a given she would be invited, as had I with hers initially! But it doesn't feel very fair.

Ultimately I am inviting this group of friends. One of them is even going to be a bridesmaid. I don't really want to exclude just one person from the group but this feels a bit bizarre and quite cheeky. It's mainly the hen do I'm upset about to be honest, because obviously as an evening guest I'm completely excluded from that whereas she would be coming to mine a month or two later..

AIBU?

Definitely do not invite her.

Yes, she's presumptuous, but if you are inviting the whole group I wouldn't leave her out.
She didn't do thst to you and it would be cruel.

Maybe she’s just assuming you’ll invite her to the evening.

I think you and the rest of the group may well end up with an invite to the day wedding,

Her comment about “the plan for now” suggests that you’re on the standby list. People always drop out or can’t make it, so you’ll probably be bumped up eventually.

The others in the group will possibly assume that you misunderstood and that they were always invited to the whole thing, as she hasn’t told them either way.

It’s very messy all round.

You say her hen do is extravagant- would you have wanted to go if you had been invited? Might she have assumed that you didn’t have the £££s?

I don’t think you’re wrong to feel hurt. Honestly this would stick with me always and I’d always know that I was a second tier friend to her, when you’ve treated her as a close friend.

As you say, it’s really awkward to exclude her if you’re inviting the full friendship group - it’s the kind of thing that could lead to the group fracturing. I doubt she’d get over being excluded - in the same way you won’t. It would really really stick in my gut to invite her but if you want to keep the group intact you’ll probably have to.

Did you invite her to any events where you didn’t invite the others? Or have you always invited each other as a full group?

Nothing awkward here at all, just let her know she is evening only as you need to prioritise paying for guests who are close friends / family. This woman proved she isn't a close friend.

I wouldn't worry at all about inviting everyone from the group except her - as long as you have evidence the others in your group actually are your friends(!) just stick to 'close friends' and stress the 'evening' part so she knows it's reciprocal. Doubt I would even invite her to that.

Since hitting 40, I’ve decided to stop always being the bigger person, or the kind person that everyone depends on. And I have definitely stopped taking the high road. It’s ok to suit myself. I’ve started treating people how they treat me. I’d invite her to the evening only and not the hen do either. If she questions it I’d say I was just following your lead.

It’s only a wedding. Invite her if you want her there, don’t invite her if you don’t.

I think you find out your true friends with things like this. You’re not as important to her but thinks she’s super important to you.

I actually don’t think it’s petty not to invite for the day/hen. Don’t let her walk all over you. Invite her to the evening. Up to you about hen but I’d not bother inviting her to that either

Yes same. As I’ve got older I look out for me more and am
less of a nice pushover!!

Lol...I think you're crazy if you invite her.

I guess you could not invite her and then if she asks to with “oh you didn’t invite me so I didn’t think we were at invitation level of friends, and I followed your lead!” That might blow apart your friendship group though.

it’s your wedding and it will be stressful enough, I guess you have to decide what’s the least stressful for you, and if you want her there or not

No one will die, but she may regret inviting someone based on prioritising their feelings over her own.

I don't see this as OP looking at her friendship as transactional. I see this as an eyeopener as to the status of their friendship, which she had presumed was a lot closer. Doesn't make the friend a bad person, but it's absolutely fine to adjust your expectations of, and how much you pour into, a friendship to match the depth of it.

Wow so much drama. “Kick in the teeth” 😂😂😂

all because she invited you AND THE REST of your friend group (except one person) as evening guests and not to the whole thing?

SMH

Unless you either a) call her out it or b) very clearly do the same to her - she’s either not going to notice or care that she’s being a bit of a CF for her shiny new friends or whatever the logic is. Personally I think she should know because it must also be causing resentment with the other 3 in the group who are also vague evening guests to her wedding. All very odd! And you have the best opportunity to possibly make her realise what an asshat she’s being to what are probably her oldest and closest friends.

Yeah sorry O but I think you will feel annoyed with yourself for inviting her.

Yes, weddings are expensive and not everyone does them to same way. But the more you describe your relationship the more I think in this scenario the evening invite is telling and inviting her because you want to be the "bigger person" will leave a bitter taste.

How do you know she wouldn’t be happy with an evening invite? When you said you weren’t invited I thought you meant not at all or she invited everyone but you (that would have been unreasonable on her part)

Nothing like a wedding to learn exactly where you sit in people’s affections! I’ve been on both sides of this, bridesmaid for someone I considered a not-so-close friend and only one of our group not in wedding party when my best friend was married. Always odd to me that people don’t realise these kinds of choices have consequences.

@wedding27
Darling
Do unto her
As she did unto you
If she says anything
Say that you've the same problem she had too............

There is no way I could not say straight out ‘I’m just so confused why you’re assuming you’re of course invited to our wedding when you don’t rate us anywhere near that level of friend?’

My brother did the same at my wedding...only it wasn't our Dad he left in the car, it was the dog. Him and his then girlfriend (now ex wife) turned up wearing dirty jeans and sweatshirts, and told me they wouldn't be staying for the reception, as they'd left their dog in the car. He was the only member of my family who live in the UK at the wedding (rest live in Oz and couldn't afford to come).

Took me ages afterwards to realise that he hadn't actually planned on coming at all, and his girlfriend had persuaded him while they were out taking the dog for a walk in the local pine woods...hence how they were dressed. That was 25 years ago and I've not seen him since. It wasn't a deliberate going no contact, I just decided to drop the rope and see if he picked it up. He didn't.

She has ‘main character syndrome’.

It would be petty to not include her though because of this if you are inviting the rest of the group.

She's having a laugh, you're her doormat. Keep pretending you're taking the high road by going along with her entitlement, she doesn't give a fuck about you, and you're to weak to draw even the shakiest boundary. Meh.

Just because you are all friends, doesn't mean you all regard the value of the friendship in the same way. She only values one in your group highly enough for the full event and hen do. You on the other hand value the whole group as of equal importance and value to you. That's ok. People are different . Be the bigger person and don't single her out for differential treatment at your wedding simply because that's what she's done. It could effect the dynamics of the group if you do.

It's her blindness to her lack of reciprocity in how she sees and values you group friendship and her sense of entitlement in assuming that you consider to be a top tier friend warranting a full invitation ( when she doesn't think the same way) that's annoying you.

Why would you invite her to the whole day when she doesn’t consider you a good friend? She’s telling you what she thinks of you.
Id ask her why she assumes she’s invited when she doesn’t think our friendship is close enough to be invited to hers.

I think MN is very divided on the whole day / eve invitation thing. Most of the day weddings I've been to have been immediate family. Unless I was a bridesmaid. Most of the evening weddings I've been to have been friends or wider family.

You're one of a group of 6. So if you've all got partners that's 12 daytime guests just in one friendship group on one side of the family. That's a lot of money.

When you say she was excited about your wedding did she explicitly talk about the day bit as a guest or was she just excited for you in general for your wedding?