Friend assuming wedding invite despite not inviting me to hers the same year..

[wedding27]

I'm curious what people think is more important with wedding invites: inviting those who have invited you, vs inviting full friendship / family groups so no one is left out.

We have recently decided to get married next year and have just started letting friends and family know.

I am part of a group of 6 very close friends (20+ years, meet every few months, always attend major life events etc) and one of the others is also getting married next year. She has been planning the wedding for 6 months and although I initially took if for granted I'd be invited (don't think I said this to her, just thought it) it's slowly dawned on me that I am not. It's a big wedding venue and local so not really an issue of space.

Despite going to the engagement party, there were lots of weird hints over the 6 months that I wasn't invited but the real kicker was discovering from one of the other women in the group that there has been a hen do WhatsApp for months and it's now all booked. So I was quite sad but accepted we maybe aren't as close as I thought and that was that.

I then awkwardly had to tell her we were also getting married next year. I didn't give anything away about the date, who was invited, size of wedding etc. just to try and keep my options open. However, she immediately assumed she was invited and started talking about how excited she was and how much she was looking forward to it(!!) So then I started thinking: Have I got the wrong end of the stick about the hen do somehow?! But lo and behold the save the dates have already gone out and I haven't received one. I asked her directly and she has confirmed we are evening only, her rationale being that she's not inviting our group except one women who is an exception.

But why would she assume she's coming to mine?!
I guess it's because we are a level of closeness that she has taken it as a given she would be invited, as had I with hers initially! But it doesn't feel very fair.

Ultimately I am inviting this group of friends. One of them is even going to be a bridesmaid. I don't really want to exclude just one person from the group but this feels a bit bizarre and quite cheeky. It's mainly the hen do I'm upset about to be honest, because obviously as an evening guest I'm completely excluded from that whereas she would be coming to mine a month or two later..

AIBU?

Yes I mostly agree with this. I've been to a lot of evening do's where the daytime bit is mainly family plus a few friends that have travelled a long way, and local friends all come for the evening party.

But I agree it's weird to not invite you to her daytime wedding and then assume she's invited to yours.

If it was one individual friend I'd be tempted to "match her energy", but if you're wanting to invite the whole group to your daytime do then I'd probably just invite her as well, so as not to spoil the group dynamic.

But if she's invited work friends and newer friends instead of your group, while I wouldn't hold a grudge, I also wouldn't ever quite forget it.

If you want it to be ‘tit for tat’…….just ask this ‘friend’ ……Why ?

You haven’t said what the other friends in the group are thinking about their ‘Non’ invitations.

I don’t understand what you mean by others receiving, ‘Save the date’…..and not you !!

Weddings are so stressful. Don’t add to it xx

Wedding invites should not be a game of tit for tat but instead based on who you want there as far as circumstances allow.

A large venue does not mean they can afford to fill it and closeness with one group of friends sometimes has to override closeness with another group. In your case if only one person is invited to the whole thing then it clearly isn’t personal to you.

A close friend married the month after me, hers was planned first and I knew I wasn’t going to be asked to be a bridesmaid but I still asked her to be one of mine. I invited cousins partners who had not invited my partner to their weddings. And one of our evening guests asked my husband to be groomsman within his own wedding. It does not need to balance out perfectly, you just need to be inviting people out of love instead of obligation and accept that money, space and a myriad of other reasons can affect these decisions.

I'd say 'Yeah I can't wait for yours either, but I haven't received an invite yet?' then watch her squirm. cheeky cow.

I think you have to invite her as it's too tit for tat to exclude one person, but as someone else said, I'd never quite forget this.

I think the issue if take with it is that I'd feel like I'd misinterpreted the closeness of the friendship and that would forever make me feel slightly awkward. I know some people's circles are just a bit smaller than others but this is one of those times where it becomes clear who you are to someone else. At least you're in good company with the rest of your friendship group though.

I think if she had invited all of the group except you to either the hen or day time, then I would feel it's personal and would question whether to invite her to my wedding. However, as you've clarified that only one person from that friendship group is invited to the hen and day time, and the rest of you have been invited to the evening only, then I would include her along with the rest of the group in whatever you decide for your own wedding. To exclude her (and especially just her when the others are invited) just because she can't accommodate you all at her wedding would be incredibly petty. Her budget, venue(s) and list of relatives/close friends on both sides is completely different to yours, and wedding guest lists are difficult, as you'll know. I would imagine if she had the option to invite you all, then she would.

I have a group of friends from college, we've been friends for 20 years and 3 of us have since married. I got married first, they all came to my hen party and evening do, but we got married abroad so they didn't attend the day time (they were invited but would have had to travel so understandbly chose not to). The second friend invited us all to everything, hen, day time and evening (although it was a church wedding followed by a less formal afternoon/evening so everyone invited attended all day) and the third wedding we were just invited to the evening, as she just wanted a smaller hen do with her mum and couple of close friends, the wedding was at a venue with limited numbers for the ceremony and day time and they both have big families so couldn't invite everyone. The fourth friend is planning to elope, I've no idea if she's even having a hen do or party 😅 none of us got mad. We're just happy for each other, and happy to celebrate with each other in whatever way we can.

God that must sting OP. I think people saying to be careful because it might affect the group dynamics etc are missing the point. The dynamic's already gone because of what she's done by excluding 4 of you from the day and hen do. Some people have an attitude to friendship which is easy come, easy go, transactionional etc. that's not me and I would be really hurt in your shoes. I guess now you know where you stand, which although isn't what you thought it was, is a good thing. I had a close friend do something similar to me years ago and it's never been quite the same since. I've come to see that she doesn't really value friendships, she just sees them as something useful if it suits her and not that deep for her so I invest my energy elsewhere.

Just be the bigger person..... maybe she'll actually realise what she's done.....