Friend assuming wedding invite despite not inviting me to hers the same year..

[wedding27]

I'm curious what people think is more important with wedding invites: inviting those who have invited you, vs inviting full friendship / family groups so no one is left out.

We have recently decided to get married next year and have just started letting friends and family know.

I am part of a group of 6 very close friends (20+ years, meet every few months, always attend major life events etc) and one of the others is also getting married next year. She has been planning the wedding for 6 months and although I initially took if for granted I'd be invited (don't think I said this to her, just thought it) it's slowly dawned on me that I am not. It's a big wedding venue and local so not really an issue of space.

Despite going to the engagement party, there were lots of weird hints over the 6 months that I wasn't invited but the real kicker was discovering from one of the other women in the group that there has been a hen do WhatsApp for months and it's now all booked. So I was quite sad but accepted we maybe aren't as close as I thought and that was that.

I then awkwardly had to tell her we were also getting married next year. I didn't give anything away about the date, who was invited, size of wedding etc. just to try and keep my options open. However, she immediately assumed she was invited and started talking about how excited she was and how much she was looking forward to it(!!) So then I started thinking: Have I got the wrong end of the stick about the hen do somehow?! But lo and behold the save the dates have already gone out and I haven't received one. I asked her directly and she has confirmed we are evening only, her rationale being that she's not inviting our group except one women who is an exception.

But why would she assume she's coming to mine?!
I guess it's because we are a level of closeness that she has taken it as a given she would be invited, as had I with hers initially! But it doesn't feel very fair.

Ultimately I am inviting this group of friends. One of them is even going to be a bridesmaid. I don't really want to exclude just one person from the group but this feels a bit bizarre and quite cheeky. It's mainly the hen do I'm upset about to be honest, because obviously as an evening guest I'm completely excluded from that whereas she would be coming to mine a month or two later..

AIBU?

I definitely think it is cheeky of her to presume. I personally think it is cheeky to presume you'll be invited to any wedding, as you don't know if the couple will elope or prioritise family.

In this situation, it doesn't sound personal. Only one person from your friendship group is invited to her full hen and wedding. Maybe she had limited numbers etc. You always have closer friendships within groups of more than 5/6 people.

The question is would it make you happy to have your friendship group and her there at your wedding? It shouldn't be tit for tat. It also depends on if you want the friendship to continue, as if you don't invite her... it won't.

On the flip side to this. I'm getting married in a few months and am in a friendship group from school. There's 6 of us. Only 2 are invited to the day as I am closer with them and they have met my partner. The others are invited to evening and there's no issue. I was invited to one of the other three's hen and wedding 3 years ago but tbh our friendship has faded out so I don't feel the need to reciprocate. Just ensure your guest list reflects who you and your partner both want there. Done.

I don't want it to be tit for tat or the source of any drama.

I'm about 90% sure we will still invite her and her STBH for the day.

I'm just shocked at her assumption when she's not intending to reciprocate the invite at a similarly sized local wedding. She doesn't have loads of family to invite at all, it's work and uni friends that are mainly invited. It feels a bit of a kick in the teeth. I had completely assumed she would be thinking: "Of shit I hope they don't invite us to the wedding day when we haven't invited them"

YABU for putting "despite not inviting me to hers" in your title when in fact she has invited you, just with an evening invite.

Has she implied she thinks she's invited to the whole thing? Maybe she thinks she's invited to the evening do of yours, like you are of hers.

If she didn't feel we were close enough friends for me to be invited to the hen do, which in my eyes isn't something she'd be paying for unlike the venue/food/drinks at her wedding I'd think twice about how close you were in friendship altogether.

Have those from the group that are also not invited mentioned anything about it?

You don't have to invite her to your wedding unless you really want to.

I think the others are still assuming they're going to the full thing and don't know yet! Awkward

Don’t invite her to the wedding. Invite her to the evening. If she complains tell her you realise you are not that close as she didn’t invite you to hers. You don’t owe anything to her. She does not consider you close. Invite others in the group if you want.

Invite her to the evening only. If you invite her to the full day you’d be confirming that she’s more important to you than you are to her, which she clearly already thinks in the case. I wouldn’t care if it’s petty.

Equal and exact reciprocation just doesn't really work in these cases, weddings are expensive and people have incomparable finances, family sizes, and friendship groups...

If you want to invite her then do, if you don't, don't. But don't exclude her in retaliation.

This is odd. I got married a long time ago but I invited ‘everyone’ to the hen (was local - in our city, then a few came back to mine to continue the party), even evening guests.

She’s being cheeky and I’d probably decide nearer the time whether I’d want her as a day or evening guest, and def don’t invite her to the hen. Are the all other members of the group invited to her hen except you? If so that’s very bad form. I do get that within a group that there are different levels of friendship though.

True.. but she has a much smaller family and the wedding budget is at least 4x ours.

Don’t reward her presumption and cheeky fuckery by inviting her.

Next time you see her tell her you had assumed you’re not attending each other’s weddings because she hasn’t invited you to hers.

Its pretty simple

Who do you want there
Invite them
Job done

Well she hasn’t actually treated you any differently than the majority of the friendship group so on that basis I would be treating her the same as the rest of the group. I get that it’s annoying that she assumes she will be invited. You can’t really just exclude her as that will forever change the whole dynamics of the group.

Also I bloody hate evening invites to weddings. We didn’t have any at ours - you were either close enough to celebrate our day with us or not. Not second tier cram ins. Also arriving as an evening guest is always grim. However it seems a very English thing (foreign parents here although mostly grew up in UK) so perhaps I just don’t get it.

It's not a local hen. It will be quite pricey and accommodation has all been booked to accommodate a very specific number of people.

I'd say you're overthinking this massively. Enjoy your wedding, enjoy hers ... isn't that what it's all about?

You’re massively overthinking. She probably assumed you were inviting everyone to the evening.

You haven’t been treated differently to the group- you are all invited evening.

So font invite her then, she's not inviting you I wouldn't spend money on someone who clearly doesn't think as much of you as you did of her.

I would feel more upset over the hen do too .... as far as I understand it, hen dos are for all friends and family, not just those deemed important enough for a day invite.
I can understand having to limit day invites but the lack of invite to the hen would have me questioning our friendship.

Going against the grain but I think its different not inviting a whole group other than one person, (which is what she did) vs inviting a whole group ex one person (which is what you're proposing). The first is prioritising different groups, the second is excluding one person.

Yes it's a bit cheeky to assume she is invited if she didn't invite you to hers. But again I think deliberately leaving one person out of a group as a form of punishment is a bit harsh, if you want to carry on the friendship

I also think you’re over thinking this, really invites are not tit for tat. Only one woman from the group is there during the day and the hen, the other 5 are not.

stop thinking about how that ranks you as friends, you’re still invited.

Agree, it’s hugely over reacting.

Do this.

I'm not proposing that I leave her out. In fact in my update I said I was 90% sure I'd invite her to the full day.

I'm just sharing that it feels like a bit of a kick in the teeth when it's not reciprocated when the hen dos and weddings are so close together, and is making me consider whether I should prioritise this friendship as highly as I do. But if I want to invite the whole group then I know I need to invite her.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick But the friend did deliberately exclude the OP from the hen do, all the others were invited.
I would just invite her to the evening do.

Don't invite for reasons other than you want them there, not out of obligation. I would hate just an evening invite as I want to see the couple get married. I don't care about the party. Absolutely leave her out, as the only one, if that's how you feel. Or use your words and speak to her. See what your numbers are, make a genuine decision for real reasons then go from there.