Friend assuming wedding invite despite not inviting me to hers the same year..

[wedding27]

I'm curious what people think is more important with wedding invites: inviting those who have invited you, vs inviting full friendship / family groups so no one is left out.

We have recently decided to get married next year and have just started letting friends and family know.

I am part of a group of 6 very close friends (20+ years, meet every few months, always attend major life events etc) and one of the others is also getting married next year. She has been planning the wedding for 6 months and although I initially took if for granted I'd be invited (don't think I said this to her, just thought it) it's slowly dawned on me that I am not. It's a big wedding venue and local so not really an issue of space.

Despite going to the engagement party, there were lots of weird hints over the 6 months that I wasn't invited but the real kicker was discovering from one of the other women in the group that there has been a hen do WhatsApp for months and it's now all booked. So I was quite sad but accepted we maybe aren't as close as I thought and that was that.

I then awkwardly had to tell her we were also getting married next year. I didn't give anything away about the date, who was invited, size of wedding etc. just to try and keep my options open. However, she immediately assumed she was invited and started talking about how excited she was and how much she was looking forward to it(!!) So then I started thinking: Have I got the wrong end of the stick about the hen do somehow?! But lo and behold the save the dates have already gone out and I haven't received one. I asked her directly and she has confirmed we are evening only, her rationale being that she's not inviting our group except one women who is an exception.

But why would she assume she's coming to mine?!
I guess it's because we are a level of closeness that she has taken it as a given she would be invited, as had I with hers initially! But it doesn't feel very fair.

Ultimately I am inviting this group of friends. One of them is even going to be a bridesmaid. I don't really want to exclude just one person from the group but this feels a bit bizarre and quite cheeky. It's mainly the hen do I'm upset about to be honest, because obviously as an evening guest I'm completely excluded from that whereas she would be coming to mine a month or two later..

AIBU?

She's very cheeky.
She sees most of your group as casual second tier friends, but thinks she is of huge priority value to the group.
I really would keep my cards close to my chest and not rush into any decision.

I haven’t read all the comment OP, just the first page so apologise if others have covered this already.

I don’t understand the evening “dos”.
surely celebrating a wedding is being present for the ceremony and the vows. Not a party later. So I’d certainly expect true friends at that.
as for the cost argument. It costs nothing extra for people to attend that.

I think this has completely hit the nail on the head.

If there wasn't the confusion about her wedding would you want her there at your hen do and wedding, all day?

Don't live your life building up tokens of who invites you where and when and whether they deserve being there all day or just in the evening at the wedding or whether they go to your hen do. Are you keeping a friendship scorecard? The only question is do you want her there or not.

It costs nothing extra for people to attend that.

Do you mean the day part of the wedding? Of course it costs more, as you have to pay for catering as part of the day arrangements, which is paid per head, and depending on your venue/catering setup it can easily be £100 per head or more for welcome drinks/canapes and a sit down meal.

The evening buffet costs too, but not normally as much, as it would usually be a buffet setup, and people are usually expected to buy their own drinks.

I think you are doing the right thing in erring on the side of rising above it. I think she’s creating an unnecessary divide in the group and ensuring everyone will have a much better time at your wedding, where they are invited to everything and have time to get to know other guests on the hen do.

It’s a shame she has chosen to split the group like you say. It will likely damage relationships in the long run (it would in my circle of friends anyway). Most people are really accommodating and understanding when it comes to wedding invites - but it’s the lack of communication and assumptions here that stings.

We didn't provide any food in the evening at all as everyone was there all day. You don't need more food in the evening if you had canapes in the afternoon and a three course evening meal just after which finishes about 8-8.30pm.

Sounds like too much drama to me.

Put it this way - your wedding is a gathering of those who want to celebrate your wedding. Make it as big or as small as you like and invite those who will make your day complete.

She hasn't invited you to celebrate her wedding, so don't. Don't ask her about it and move the topic along if she brings it up. On the other hand she is keen to celebrate your wedding, so take that as a win.

Personally I don't think evening invitations are worth much. You either celebrate the wedding, in which case you're there, or you don't.

Actually I'm not surprised that she assumed she is invited to yours. I guess in her eyes she is treating you all the same and is assuming that you are going to do the same. I suspect if you only invited the group to your evening do, including her, she wouldn't complain. You are invited to her wedding albeit to the evening do, just like the rest of the group.

Why is it obvious that evening guests are excluded from hen dos? In my day hen dos were for all your mates and sometimes family

One thing that surprises me at hen dos nowadays is that the bride and grooms mums often go along. It was unheard of 40 years ago. Mind, that was usually just one evening locally with a meal and a nightclub if you weren't too pissed by then. Some even had it the day before the wedding!!

If anyone around is about this age and remembers things differently I'd be interested to know. Maybe it was just the culture of the area in which I grew up.
You definitely would not be bringing your Mum along and no way your Mum would want to come anyway.

No, the ceremony. The actual important part of the day!

The only people who should be invited to your wedding are the folk you really want.
Forget about the ifs and buts about who, what and where.
Our original list was over 300 guests and it hit me - I didn't want anybody that I didn't know. So that's what we did, 70+ and when I walked into church, I knew every single person there.
No engagement party, no evening 'do'.

This.

I would say we haven’t finalised invites yet. She’s very presumptuous! And I wouldn’t invite her to the day or the hen but I’m petty.

I would say it is pretty rare for people just to go to a ceremony and then go home again, 'daytime' weddings you would usually be there for a few hours, and would usually be fed in some way, as well as have drinks and canapes.

Venues where it is an all in one are notorious at price gouging for catering, with prices for extra daytimes guests coming in at anywhere between £50 - £250 per head, so technically while it costs no extra for people to see you get married (room hire is a set fee) to invite evening guests to the daytime part of your wedding could easily set you back thousands more.

Did you never reply “Dave, you didn’t invite us to yours?!”

Yes so ceremony and go or ceremony drinks and nibbles, most leave, small wedding party have meal or whatever.

It is a wedding. Thats the ceremony. A party is a party. An evening do when you haven’t been to the wedding is a party not the wedding and IMO pointless waste of money. As actually highlighted by the original post. If people aren’t valued or respected enough to be at the wedding why are they celebrating it afterwards?

I think its probably also worth adding that the evening invite part was a bit vague too so not sure I can 100% count on that..

She said "at the moment the plan is to invite you [and 3 others not invited] to the evening"

It was said very much in way where in the future I could see her backtracking and saying they decided they couldn't do that because of X, Y or Z.

You are invited to the evening you haven't been excluded

This. So odd.

I would only invite her to the evening do and I’d tell her it’s because you’re obviously not as close as perhaps you’d once thought.

Well you could be the bigger person and invite her and not cause any upset but I wouldn’t, I’d let her think she was invited and then just let her not receive an invite just like she’s done to you! Very petty I know but it’ll make you feel loads better

so you may or may not be invited to the evening do but she expects to be fully invited to your whole wedding? I don’t care if I’m petty, I wouldn’t be inviting her to my ceremony

Yanbu however you are invited just not to the whole day? I’d assume she is expecting to be invited to the evening of yours as that is what she is doing? If she is only inviting one full day from your group but you were planning to invite all and have one as a bridesmaid it does sound like you are more central to the friendship group than she is and probably mutually with the other. I do think it is quite strange for her not to invite you to the hen and be so confident about her invite however.

Wait for your evening invite, once it arrives invite her to your evening do. Do not invite her on your hen do if you have one. Just do the same as she has done.