Friend assuming wedding invite despite not inviting me to hers the same year..

[wedding27]

I'm curious what people think is more important with wedding invites: inviting those who have invited you, vs inviting full friendship / family groups so no one is left out.

We have recently decided to get married next year and have just started letting friends and family know.

I am part of a group of 6 very close friends (20+ years, meet every few months, always attend major life events etc) and one of the others is also getting married next year. She has been planning the wedding for 6 months and although I initially took if for granted I'd be invited (don't think I said this to her, just thought it) it's slowly dawned on me that I am not. It's a big wedding venue and local so not really an issue of space.

Despite going to the engagement party, there were lots of weird hints over the 6 months that I wasn't invited but the real kicker was discovering from one of the other women in the group that there has been a hen do WhatsApp for months and it's now all booked. So I was quite sad but accepted we maybe aren't as close as I thought and that was that.

I then awkwardly had to tell her we were also getting married next year. I didn't give anything away about the date, who was invited, size of wedding etc. just to try and keep my options open. However, she immediately assumed she was invited and started talking about how excited she was and how much she was looking forward to it(!!) So then I started thinking: Have I got the wrong end of the stick about the hen do somehow?! But lo and behold the save the dates have already gone out and I haven't received one. I asked her directly and she has confirmed we are evening only, her rationale being that she's not inviting our group except one women who is an exception.

But why would she assume she's coming to mine?!
I guess it's because we are a level of closeness that she has taken it as a given she would be invited, as had I with hers initially! But it doesn't feel very fair.

Ultimately I am inviting this group of friends. One of them is even going to be a bridesmaid. I don't really want to exclude just one person from the group but this feels a bit bizarre and quite cheeky. It's mainly the hen do I'm upset about to be honest, because obviously as an evening guest I'm completely excluded from that whereas she would be coming to mine a month or two later..

AIBU?

Our evening guests came to my hen do.

Yes so ceremony and go or ceremony drinks and nibbles, most leave.

What do you mean 'most leave'? Are you talking about something specific like a church wedding/registry office? Because wedding packages at a venue that have a separate daytime and evening celebrations.. people invited to the daytime don't just turn up for the ceremony then leave straight after??

OP has made it clear that her friend is spending quite a lot and it will be a 'venue', there will be a daytime guest list and an evening guest list. Saying it's not going to cost the bride more for OP to attend the daytime is not going to be true in those circumstances.

I’m a bit blunt so I would just tell her what you’ve said on here “Friend, I’m a little confused; you’ve not invited me to your hen or your wedding, but you’re expecting an invite to mine. Do you not think that seems slightly off? You are basically saying that you mean more to me than I do to you. I have to say I’m quite upset about the insinuation, the situation and I’m thinking over whether I reciprocate your invite in kind, with a no-hen do, evening-only invite. I am not sure whether the other 3 people in our group are also likely to be upset by your decision too (I don’t think they realise that they have also been excluded), and I won’t try to speak for them, but I just wanted to reflect to you the situation as I see it. I will be making my invitation decisions on a person by person basis, not as a group”.

I’m a bit blunt so I would just tell her what you’ve said on here “Friend, I’m a little confused; you’ve not invited me to your hen or your wedding, but you’re expecting an invite to mine. Do you not think that seems slightly off? You are basically saying that you mean more to me than I do to you.

This is good. And honest.

This would be a little insane no, since the woman in question has already explained it to the op.

I think it’s very cheeky to assume you’re invited to the wedding kf someine you didn’t invite yourself!

I have to say I’d be very careful about telling her whether she is invited or not if the even the evening invite isn’t that straight forward.
Wait and see what she does.
I wouldn’t want to end up with her invited to the whole thing if you you’re not invited at all.

Perhaps excitement levels are more the problem here - is she going on and on about it, while seemingly forgetting she hasn't invited any of you to see those exciting things? In which case it's a bit like people droning on about their holiday, and them expecting you to care despite not going on holiday with you.

I would be managing her expectations by saying something along the following lines: 'Well Marjorie, we haven't finalised our guestlist yet, but rest assured we are going to be approaching it in exactly the same way you have.'

That might give her pause for thought, but even if it doesn't it still leaves you open, for now, to taking any 1 of the 3 options with her. I dont think it's petty at all not to invite her - you are.simply re-evaluating the level of friendship in light of your lack of invitation to her wedding.

Why on earth are you letting her treat you like that, at the very least drop into the conversation that you haven’t decided on the size of your wedding yet so don’t know who you’ll be inviting. I wouldn’t let anyone behave like that towards me.

OP, I wouldn't dream of bothering going to that evening do if she actually does invite you.
She has zero respect for you to treat you like this.
It's not healthy to accept such treatment from anyone.

@wedding27 we are all nosey Parkers and need you to update us all on what you are going to do? I’m invested in this wedding now 😁

I’m petty, but she’d get the same treatment from me as she is giving out. I’d still invite the rest of the group as I wanted

You assumed you were invited to hers and vice versa. You are free not to invite her when the time comes. If you do though, it will be because you want to include your whole group, not because she's weedled her way in. Might feel better to see it that way.

I would definitely NOT invite her to any part of the wedding and yes my reasoning would be tit for tat!
Otherwise this so called friend will continue to treat her so called friends like dirt - she sounds very entitled.

Ps and obviously I wouldn’t go to the evening do - hell would have to freeze over etc !!

Haha don't worry I'm a nosy parker with things on here too.

I don't think I'll be making any immediate decisions about the invites, but I'm leaning towards inviting her along with the rest of the group as planned. And trying my best not to let it become a big thing.. easier said than done as I am feeling hurt and disappointed.

I understand people on here saying it's petty not to invite her and I'm making a big deal of it but I do think wedding invites often shine a light on who people truly value, which can be hurtful to see.

Ultimately it's not just about the weddings but whether we should be prioritising her in the way that we do. It seemed like such a given I would be invited that when I first mentioned I noticed something off, my DP and my mum were both like "don't be silly, of course she's inviting you!" But now my DP is pretty annoyed and thinks it's ridiculous that we have been inviting her to so many events for just our family and closest friends in the last year or so (baby shower, christening, first birthday etc. and soon our wedding!) and the first significant event for her, her wedding, she isn't inviting us to the full thing. And I know people on here will say that maybe she felt obliged to attend our events but I really don't think so, she just genuinely seems to love coming to that kind of stuff for all her friends and is always very eager.

we have been inviting her to so many events for just our family and closest friends in the last year or so (baby shower, christening, first birthday etc. and soon our wedding!)

I would stop all of that going forward.

No she’s not! The wedding is the ceremony!! The evening part is the left over end part of the celebrations and the part when everyone who’s been there all day is starting to go home! People only get invited to evening dos for the present they bring

At my 50th birthday I had a wake up call when I realised the room was full of people who I liked, but I was never invited to theirs. Now in my 60s, I have a strict rule of 'matching energy'. I still see most of those people, but for some of them it is usually 121 for a coffee. I just can't be arsed to keep inviting people who never reciprocate. My 60th was a much smaller party, but I still had a great time.
My advice is to gracefully accept you are not that important to her and focus on those who make you feel valued. She's told you who matters to her - you should listen.
Don't leave it till you're old to have the confidence to do this - don't be like me!

what's the point of an evening do? the day is about the ceremony, the getting married, if you don't want or respect people enough to be at that what and why are they invited to something else? vanity? indulgent? presents? peer pressure? insecurity? desire to look impressive?

The presents.
When I told a colleague I was not having engagement or evening parties, her answer 'you won't get as many presents'. Funny thing being, she would not have been invited anyway.
That is not why we married.
My hen 'do' (awful expression) was for eight of my closest.
And I knew every single guest in church.

Is there any way you can address it directly next to time she talks about your wedding? If she says oh it will be so good, can you say oh when is yours by the way, am I invited?

This is unbelievably rude. The only world in which this would excusable behaviour from your friend would be if she was having a small wedding, but she's not.

I don't understand how people can do this to close friends of 20 years who see each other regularly still?! What a shame OP. At least only 1 person from your friendship group is invited to the full shabang and you're in the same boat as 3 of your other friends in this group. Would be much worse if you were the only one excluded.

Absolutely baffling that she has just assumed she's getting a full invite to yours in these circumstances. No self awareness whatsoever.

I initially thought definitely do not invite but the more I have read the more I think you should. If you don't invite her then you can say goodbye to your friendship group as you know it. If you do then for years to come your friendship group will reminisce about your wedding and there will be very little said about hers if anything it you all don't get an evening invite. However I would still let her know you are disappointed not to be invited.

Unfortunately yo missed the perfect opportunity when she said about coming. I'd have said actually I was thinking I'd just invite you guys to the evening do as I didn't want to make you feel awkward about not inviting us to the day