Friend assuming wedding invite despite not inviting me to hers the same year..

[wedding27]

I'm curious what people think is more important with wedding invites: inviting those who have invited you, vs inviting full friendship / family groups so no one is left out.

We have recently decided to get married next year and have just started letting friends and family know.

I am part of a group of 6 very close friends (20+ years, meet every few months, always attend major life events etc) and one of the others is also getting married next year. She has been planning the wedding for 6 months and although I initially took if for granted I'd be invited (don't think I said this to her, just thought it) it's slowly dawned on me that I am not. It's a big wedding venue and local so not really an issue of space.

Despite going to the engagement party, there were lots of weird hints over the 6 months that I wasn't invited but the real kicker was discovering from one of the other women in the group that there has been a hen do WhatsApp for months and it's now all booked. So I was quite sad but accepted we maybe aren't as close as I thought and that was that.

I then awkwardly had to tell her we were also getting married next year. I didn't give anything away about the date, who was invited, size of wedding etc. just to try and keep my options open. However, she immediately assumed she was invited and started talking about how excited she was and how much she was looking forward to it(!!) So then I started thinking: Have I got the wrong end of the stick about the hen do somehow?! But lo and behold the save the dates have already gone out and I haven't received one. I asked her directly and she has confirmed we are evening only, her rationale being that she's not inviting our group except one women who is an exception.

But why would she assume she's coming to mine?!
I guess it's because we are a level of closeness that she has taken it as a given she would be invited, as had I with hers initially! But it doesn't feel very fair.

Ultimately I am inviting this group of friends. One of them is even going to be a bridesmaid. I don't really want to exclude just one person from the group but this feels a bit bizarre and quite cheeky. It's mainly the hen do I'm upset about to be honest, because obviously as an evening guest I'm completely excluded from that whereas she would be coming to mine a month or two later..

AIBU?

Why is it obvious that evening guests are excluded from hen dos? In my day hen dos were for all your mates and sometimes family.

I'd treat her the same, not invited to the hen do and an evening only invite tbh. That's really cheeky 💐

So only one out of a friendship group is being invited during the day. Are you the only one out of this group that has not been invited to the hen do?

I invite who I want and go to the ones I am invited too, wedding, birthdays any event

I have zero interest is some weird criteria thing of who is allowed to go to what or not, I dont even remember doing that as a child or teenager

No, only 1 out of the group is going to hen do and wedding during the day.

Ultimately she's decided to prioritise other groups of friends (work, uni etc), which I guess is reasonable, although disappointing. But It is the assumption about my wedding that's thrown me.

I’d treat her the same as she has treated you & if anyone questions in, just say you’re watching your spending & it’s reciprocal.

I’m going to be a petty cow and I’d not invite her. I’ve come across these situations before and it almost feels like these people think their event is more important that yours or something like that . Please don’t pass her any apologies or get into any drama with her over it. We had this whole thing with cousins as several of us in the family got married over a short space of time and a particular cousin had no other cousins at the wedding as she had so many friends etc etc but rest of us cousins did invite each other to our wedding’s as we’d all grown up together as children and all got on great despite as adults maybe not seeing each other too much. Anyway the first cousin was highly offended at not being invited to the rest of the weddings.

But do you want to invite this entire group, which sound more important to you than it is to her?

For many years we were extremely close with a couple, went away with them, went out with them at least once a week, stayed at each others houses. They got married and we weren’t invited to any of it, not even an evening invite.
The man in particular kept going on and on about being invited to ours (we eloped) and he was annoyed he wasn’t there. Our relationship cooled after this anyway as it was clear generally we were meant to make lots of effort with them and nothing in return.
20 years later I’m still confused. DH sees him occasionally and he goes on about how we need to go see them (never them go see us even thought they are near to us frequently) they’ve moved 50 miles away.

Yes. But she didn't know I was inviting anyone from this group when she assumed she was invited. For all she knew I could be having a tiny wedding, or prioritising other groups of friends myself!

I don't think weddings should be tit for tat. I think they are about whom you'd like to celebrate with.

She has invited the friendship group to the evening do, except one all day. That's absolutely fine and not ostracising anyone. The group is Second Tier in her mind.

You want to invite the friendship group to the entire wedding. That's also fine - to you the group is First Tier.

You can't just invite her to the evening and everyone else to the day, that's petty and downright cruel.
You could make the whole group evening only, but why would you when you'd like them there?

Wedding invitations aren't like Nectar points. You don't earn them by collecting enough loyalty points.

Maybe she's assuming she's invited to your evening do too? I would have thought if you're not invited to her hen do, you're not a close friend so just invite her to the evening.

If you're inviting all of this group to yours for the day and evening then I would include her. Only one from the group is going to her wedding during the day and evening plus hen do so I don't see a problem with that. Maybe she and the groom have large families and lots of different friends groups so although it's a large venue they can still only have a certain number for the day.

Honestly, weddings are the best way to disown friends. I never spoke to my best friend again after my wedding after she turned up wearing regular toys and informed me on the day that she wasnt staying because her dad was waiting in the car. She had health issues so I invited her mum to support her in that but I guess she got offended that I didnt invite her dad. Who I barely knew. No other friends had parents in invited! Anyway, after 20 years of simmering, I can say that - if you like her and want to be friends with her then invite her. If her lack of concern towards you at her own wedding means that you no longer trust her then dont invite her but do so with the knowledge that you will not continue the friendship.

But so what, though? I mean, she seems to be correct in thinking you’d planned to invite the entire group, because it’s far more important to you than it is to her. I suppose it comes down to whether you choose not to invite her because she didn’t invite you?

When it comes to wedding invites I have always viewed an evening only invite as a bonus. No sitting around bored and listening to boring speeches etc 😆😊

Look on the bright side, she’ll end up spending a lot more money on your wedding than you’ll be expected to spend on hers.

I guess I would class that as quite cheeky and not the best basis for friendship tbh! If she's working on the assumption that she and the wider group of friends are much more important to me than we are to her.

I would say to her you will definitely be invited to the evening but I need to check numbers before I confirm day. (Whilst discussing with others separately that they are invited. ) but ultimately I would invite her otherwise you look like the bad guy if you leave one out.

Her wedding has nothing to do with yours. You choose who you want. It’s not a tit for tat scenario.

I don’t get the hen do though I had a mix of people on my hendo

People are so weird about weddings on here. Or maybe friends and family I know are the weird ones but genuinely, never known anyone make a drama about a wedding invite/ no invite in reality.

If you are invited and can go- great!!! Have a great day.
If you are invited and you can’t go/ don’t want to go for whatever reason- congratulations to them but we/ I will not be able to attend. Hope they have a great day.
If you aren’t invited- congratulations to them and hope they have a great day.
If you are the bride and groom- invite who you would like to celebrate your day. If they can come- wonderful! If they can’t, a shame but they’ll be happy for you.

SURELY that’s the end of it? (Or certainly has been for any of my group of friends/ family!!)

She's a CF and how horrible to exclude you from the hen do.

I would have it out with her. No drama just honesty. I might do it through the group and say how upset you are to be excluded from the hen do.

I don't know where this leaves you with the group cos they all know!!!!

Maybe you need friends who won't put knives in yoyr back!

But she's right, she has only invited the group to the evening but you want to invite to the whole day. Question is do you want to appear petty and vindictive to the rest of the group. Forget what she thinks and concentrate on how the rest of the group will see it.

This!

I can’t understand why she’s knows she hasn’t invited you to her day do but seems to think she’s invited to yours! How bizarre!!