Friend assuming wedding invite despite not inviting me to hers the same year..

[wedding27]

I'm curious what people think is more important with wedding invites: inviting those who have invited you, vs inviting full friendship / family groups so no one is left out.

We have recently decided to get married next year and have just started letting friends and family know.

I am part of a group of 6 very close friends (20+ years, meet every few months, always attend major life events etc) and one of the others is also getting married next year. She has been planning the wedding for 6 months and although I initially took if for granted I'd be invited (don't think I said this to her, just thought it) it's slowly dawned on me that I am not. It's a big wedding venue and local so not really an issue of space.

Despite going to the engagement party, there were lots of weird hints over the 6 months that I wasn't invited but the real kicker was discovering from one of the other women in the group that there has been a hen do WhatsApp for months and it's now all booked. So I was quite sad but accepted we maybe aren't as close as I thought and that was that.

I then awkwardly had to tell her we were also getting married next year. I didn't give anything away about the date, who was invited, size of wedding etc. just to try and keep my options open. However, she immediately assumed she was invited and started talking about how excited she was and how much she was looking forward to it(!!) So then I started thinking: Have I got the wrong end of the stick about the hen do somehow?! But lo and behold the save the dates have already gone out and I haven't received one. I asked her directly and she has confirmed we are evening only, her rationale being that she's not inviting our group except one women who is an exception.

But why would she assume she's coming to mine?!
I guess it's because we are a level of closeness that she has taken it as a given she would be invited, as had I with hers initially! But it doesn't feel very fair.

Ultimately I am inviting this group of friends. One of them is even going to be a bridesmaid. I don't really want to exclude just one person from the group but this feels a bit bizarre and quite cheeky. It's mainly the hen do I'm upset about to be honest, because obviously as an evening guest I'm completely excluded from that whereas she would be coming to mine a month or two later..

AIBU?

What is an evening do? Dinner or party with dancing? What is the point of that? That is not being invited to a wedding. I am originally not from the UK. In my country it is normal that everyone is being invited to the wedding ceremony which is the most important part. However, not everyone is invited for dinner. This will be mentioned on the invite. But, often you are invited for the party after dinner. So some people have to sort themselves out for dinner and later go to the evening party if there is one. But, if you are only invited to the wedding ceremony and do not get any dinner we give less money as a wedding gift which is the norm where I am from.

If it were my wedding I wouldn't invite her to the main event

You just described an evening do perfectly.

The people you want to share your special day with.

I’d ask her ‘how did you manage to choose who to invite to your wedding? I have lots of friends I’d like there but can’t invite everyone. And was it hard that some friends assumed they would be invited but you had to stick to agreed numbers?’

I would invite her if I wanted her there. If I didn't particularly want her there but thought the fallout would be too much for the group I'd do evening only.

My wedding invitations weren't tit for tat. I didn't actually go to the wedding of two of my bridesmaids! For one I couldn't make the date, and the other only had parents in attendance.

I did debate over about five people who were part of a large group but I didn't especially want there. I did invite them in the end but I'm not sure if I would do so if I had it to do again - all of them were much more cut throat about invitations to their subsequent weddings (which was fine), so actually I don't think they'd have cared!

Having read your updates OP, I absolutely would not invite her.

I don't understand why you would invite someone who is openly showing you she doesn't regard you enough to be a full guest at her wedding - while expecting to be a full guest at yours.

Don't let this woman walk over you in this way. I don't understand those who think 'be the bigger person' because by doing so, in this context, OP is allowing herself to be played for a fool. They have decades of friendship, yet only one of them considers it worthy of a proper part in their wedding and the lead up celebrations.

Nah, this wouldn't work for me. There would be no fallout, but I would mentally note my position in this person's life and match it like for like. Her brazenness over assuming she would be fully invited you your wedding OP, shows that she considers herself superior/more popular in some way.

I didn't know for definite that she wasn't inviting me / only inviting me to the evening when she assumed she was coming to my wedding and got all excited. I was so taken aback by her reaction I genuinely thought "wow I've somehow got this wrong about the hen and I am invited after all" and then we started talking excitedly about her wedding!

It was only later that day when I asked around that I discovered others had already received save the dates so I messaged her upfront to confirm what was going on

Where she said ‘at the moment, the plan is to invite you to the evening do…’ she might actually have you on a standby list to upgrade to the day event if people can’t come. Which is still not great, being a ‘standby’.

I like @thing47comment about not having finalised your guest list yet and approaching it in the same way she has. And PP comments about stopping/ reducing all the other invites to baby showers etc.

I so agree with this!!

Weddings are hard enough without drama so just invite her and get it off your desk is my advice.

If you want to point score, text her individually and say you're organising your hen but you know she's still finalising hers and you don't want to put everyone through the same thing twice or clash dates so where and when is her hen and who is invited?

But when she said great looking forward to it etc. perhaps she also meant just the evening.

No one has that much front to invite someone just to the evening and expect a whole day invite in return.

I think you've got the wrong end of the stick OP (or at least I hope so).

X

Your first sentence- it applies to OP, who may not want to celebrate with someone wh osees her as an inferior friend, surely. If the 'friend' can only pick one firned to invite to the whole thing, OP can invite everyone but her.
Ultimately, the friend should be treated the way she herself was treated, you dont want to be treated in a certain way, dont treat others in that way either. Unless you are the said friend...

This

It’s a bit weird she assumes she’s invited to yours, but quite clearly didn’t invite your friend group to hers. Maybe she knows you aren’t so petty! 😂

I would invite the people you want to have there on the day to witness the start of your marriage. I invited people to my wedding who didn’t invite me to theirs and I had people who invited me to their weddings who I didn’t or wouldn’t have invited to mine. It’s fine. You cut your cloth to fit. Don’t worry about what anyone else is doing, but do be upfront if you don’t intend to invite this group of friends rather than being so passive aggressive about it, like she has been.

I'd do the same.

It sounds like it's obvious to her that this friendship group is more important to you than it is to her, and hence she assumed she's invited and she's excited for you.
I have friends like this, I see them a couple of times a year and I wouldn't describe them as really close friends, they might not be invited to the day if I was planning a wedding as I have a lot of closer groups of friends. But I still value them and am excited to be attending their celebrations like hen dos and weddings.

People only get invited to evening dos for the present they bring

Not in my experience, IMO the wedding is the formality and the evening do is the 'celebration' of the wedding, I appreciate people may feel differently, but
I think the wedding itself can often be a complete borefest, and I've been to plenty, but as a guest there is often a LOT of waiting around for things to happen.

You wait to go in, sit quietly while the ceremony happens, usually wait around after the ceremony while photographers are doing their thing, wait to be able to go and sit down for the meal, often sat with people the B&G have decided to put you with, sit quietly through speeches.. it's all very nice and all, and lovely to see it happen.. but good god it's fucking boring. I purposely did my wedding very different to avoid the parts I hate about weddings.

The evening celebration is where it is at IMO, everyone is more relaxed as the stress of the day is over, you can socialise with whoever you like, and you can properly celebrate the occasion.

I wouldn’t invite her. Evening only. Why would you want her at the day when she doesn’t want you at hers. Absolutely not.

I cannot believe you have invited her to so many intimate events, are treat like this and are going to just take.

OP, no wonder she thinks she is so important to you and your life and you are on the periphery of hers.

How on earth do you maintain a sense of self respect and allow someone treat you like that?

Have you asked why you are not invited to the hen? And why would the four others not wonder too? If they have said nothing this indicates they agree with the bride

She's pretty bloody shameless. Good for you for rising above it, OP, but I'd be sending that invitation through gritted teeth.

I hope you'll update us when your other friends find out they're only invited to the evening do too.

So she isn’t excluding you. She’s treating you the same as the others in the group

totally fine imo. Dont be petty

Give back the same.. no hen do invite.
Evening only .

Count yourself lucky you dont have to go on the hen