To advise young women to think hard before getting into a relationship with a man who has a child?

[stepmumthinking]

Before I start I want to make it clear I love my DSC very much and absolutely do not resent her at all but if I'd known when I was young how having a DSC would impact my life I might have made different decisions back then.

Before I met my now DH I had plans that weren't possible with a DSC involved. DH always said if he didn't have a child he would have supported me and made my plans his too, but it just wasn't possible. And, yes, that was my decision, I gave up my plans because I fell in love with DH (and DSC). I still wonder sometimes what would have happened if I'd chosen my plans over DH, and I think if I had I wouldn't now be wondering what would have happened if I'd chosen DH.

Money has sometimes been a struggle and it wouldn't have been if he'd not been paying child support.

DH had to do all the pick up and drop offs because his ex doesn't drive and the journey is long and complicated on public transport so we lost a large chunk of time every other weekend. Even when I had a newborn he still did it. He didn't even think to ask her if she could meet him halfway and she didn't offer and it was hard being left alone with a small baby.

We've missed out on family trips. One Christmas his parents, siblings and their spouses and children all went abroad. We were invited but he declined the invitation because he said if he took DSC it wouldn't be fair on his ex to have her child away for the whole Christmas holiday, and it wouldn't be fair on DSC if we went and left her behind. It wasn't just me and DH who missed out but our child together too.

I always wanted two children and DH did too, but after we had a child together he then had two (one with me, one with his ex) and said he didn't want more and couldn't afford more. I did eventually have a second child, but there is a huge age gap between my two and I always wanted two close together.

DH and his ex had quite a difficult break up and I think he's always felt guilty about that, not that it was his fault, and because of DSC and him still having to see his ex regularly until recently he's not been able to put that behind him.

Once again I want to reiterate I love DSC very much and am very proud of her and I'm glad to have her in my life, but I think if I'd known when I met DH how challenging being a step mum is, even when the child is as lovely as DSC is, I would never have got into a relationship with him.

So AIBU to warn any young women reading this to think hard before committing to a relationship with a man who has a child?

I'm older so I'm thinking about 2nd relationships from 30s onwards I suppose.

I think it can work if you don't live together until the kids are independent. If you have children yourself and are navigating shared care with an ex it's nice to have a supportive partner who gets it.

I wouldn't want to be 'doing it all over again' with younger children after mine have grown up though, nor would I ever have considered adding more babies into the mix.

The same for us. I have 1 DC and DH has none and it has been a total success. But I do believe age of DC is relevant and definitely circumstances.

My DC was 14, when I met my now DH. DD was sceptical and a little reluctant at the beginning but she was of an age where she could rationalise it.

I personally do believe that had she been younger things may have been different.

The conversation is often very much from the perspective of the adults involved and rarely about the feelings of the DC.

I'm a guy and I've done it. Would not recommend it. Gets too hard and too stressful.

I married a man with a child and i agree with the OP, i would prefer - obviously not my business or say- for my 3 adult children to not get into a relationship with someone with a child.
Money was an issue at times early on in our relationship, but the biggest factor was the poisonous ex wife who was a thorn in our sides for a long time, a nasty piece of work who didn't want my husband but also didn't want anyone else to have him either .
All of our lives would have been so much easier had the ex not been so destructive and unreasonable but most of all the child in the middle would have had a nicer life, i hope she did with us as our home was always calm.
He was meant for me though and all that was a long time ago now but i see clearly how simpler it is to start your relationship off with a clean page free from other responsibilities and commitments and no interference from ex partners with whom a child is shared.
I may sound harsh but i think that is a reality.

I’ve had plenty of chances to date and marry men with kids. I’ve always refused.

It’s not just because they want a nanny with a purse, it’s because you will be a dogsbody to their kid with another woman.

Whilsy the ex is busy off shagging the gardener having fun, she’s dumping her kid with you so you do all the tedious homework, waiting at the doctor etc.

Plus when the kid gets to teenager, you have to be taxi driver giving up your evenings to wait outside some school in the rain.

Then with their exams, you won’t get the benefit of all the effort you put in, definitely not, it will be proud step mum who did nothing.

Not only that, when they go to university, you will be expected to sub them out.

when they are working it’s your family’s inheritance expected to pay for their deposit.

Don’t think that when you get old and someone has to care for you, it will be your step kids, because they have their own mum to look after.

In short, at every step you are a skivvy to some other person’s brat. And it’s a lifelong obligation.

when you die, guess what the step kids come sniffing around for handouts to the detriment to your own family.

At every step of the way, adults should be warned off marrying someone with kids.

Use IVF and bring up your own child yourself. Then kids will be totally on your terms. Loyalty to you only. Or stay single and childless or take on a person who doesn’t have kids and doesn’t want them.

When I met my ex husband he had a 1 yr old son. I had no children and was 25. He told me he had not wanted any children and told his ex wife that he thought it best not to see his son because she was bound to meet someone else and he would act as his son’s dad. I stupidly believed him and so we had 4 months of happiness together, me assuming it was just me and him for the foreseeable. However all of a sudden he changed his mind and it’s a very long story but from then on I was treated second and NEVER first, even on my birthday. I had no negative thoughts towards his son but occasionally it would have been nice to have been put first. When we had our own child a few years later he still put his first son before either me or his second child.

You’ve got a lot of wild ideas about children’s mothers (off shagging the gardener, really?) and step children (brats, really?) for someone who has zero experience of either.

Very few mothers want or would even accept their ex’s new partner taking over doctor’s visits or paying for university.

Sorry, you had four happy months because he initially said he’d be happy to abandon his child? Frankly, you got what you deserved.

Puts me in mind of this thread. He hid the fact he had a son from the OP while they were dating. Knob
www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4722491-he-has-a-son

See if someone told me before the first date I wouldn't have gone and not seen him anymore. And otherwise id ask on the first date. If he said yes there wouldn't be a second date. If he lied and said no id dump him the minute I found out

I agree. The older you get the more likely it is people you meet will have children but in your 20s and probably up to about 35ish in truth, you could surely have your pick of the bunch with child free people. That’s why I find it so crazy when I read threads on here written by disgruntled women who shacked up with a guy with kids and his ex is a nightmare or his kids are painful or whatever else… Why do it?

You were happy that your partner was planning to be a deadbeat dad?

Oh well. Looks like you got what you deserved.

My ex and I were together a year before he told me he had children and I think that’s only because at the point he told me he had no choice. I was sure I had asked him but given how much he discussed his children before I found out vs. before it was clear he had deliberately concealed that piece of info.

(It was a LDR so fairly easy for me not to learn that for a while.)

Did you dump him for that

I should have done….instead I wasted nearly 4 years with a man who was a massive arsehole and did not hide it!

I think in my mind I just shifted the seriousness of the relationship or explained it away by saying at that time it was not a “proper” relationship yet.

Younger me was a massive idiot when it came to men. Like a leaf on water, “going with the flow” instead of being intentional, setting boundaries and sticking to them.

I learned eventually!

This thread personifies why the modern interpretation of "blended families" is fantasy. It never has, it never will, work, regardless of who has the child or children.

@catspyjamas1 What about a scenario in which one party has children but the other one doesn't?

This is extreme. Many of us were raised in blended families that worked just fine.

As I said: "It never has, it never will, work, regardless of who has the child or children"

Lol to "extreme".

So was I. I speak from experience.

Step children with positive and "good" stories to tell are few and far between. The many, many MM threads should give you context. It's unusual.

We all did OP . ..

PS. I love when there are kids raised in blended families who are 100% positive of their lives. Good on the parents.

The reality is most are not. Sorry to break it to you.

Wise words

I am the minority. As I said in my PP, we are the success story. My DH absolutely loves his DSD and she him. He is the DGF to her DC
and to us all he is DF and DGF and he absolutely feels the same.

But and there is a big but……it is the baggage!

I entered the relationship with very little baggage, no acrimonious breakup from DDs, father. I supported my DC independently. And I have no regrets on this. What do I want from a useless father? Nothing!

My DH had a bitter ex wife, but thankfully there were no DC involved there. He actually said he did not have DC while married because the marriage was so toxic he didn’t want to bring DC into it. So he came with little baggage.

To use the term baggage might sound harsh but those are my feelings and the poor DC suffer as a result. SMs/SDs suffer but SC suffer also and most often don’t even get a say.

@catspyjamas1 Well we must be the exception to the rule then!
After my first marriage I only wanted to date men without children as I didn't want to blend children. And, importantly, couldn't afford to! Didn't want my children to have to share rooms etc.
Together almost a decade, married very happily for five years. My sons are now 16 and 19 and my husband is a superb stepfather 😀