To advise young women to think hard before getting into a relationship with a man who has a child?

[stepmumthinking]

Before I start I want to make it clear I love my DSC very much and absolutely do not resent her at all but if I'd known when I was young how having a DSC would impact my life I might have made different decisions back then.

Before I met my now DH I had plans that weren't possible with a DSC involved. DH always said if he didn't have a child he would have supported me and made my plans his too, but it just wasn't possible. And, yes, that was my decision, I gave up my plans because I fell in love with DH (and DSC). I still wonder sometimes what would have happened if I'd chosen my plans over DH, and I think if I had I wouldn't now be wondering what would have happened if I'd chosen DH.

Money has sometimes been a struggle and it wouldn't have been if he'd not been paying child support.

DH had to do all the pick up and drop offs because his ex doesn't drive and the journey is long and complicated on public transport so we lost a large chunk of time every other weekend. Even when I had a newborn he still did it. He didn't even think to ask her if she could meet him halfway and she didn't offer and it was hard being left alone with a small baby.

We've missed out on family trips. One Christmas his parents, siblings and their spouses and children all went abroad. We were invited but he declined the invitation because he said if he took DSC it wouldn't be fair on his ex to have her child away for the whole Christmas holiday, and it wouldn't be fair on DSC if we went and left her behind. It wasn't just me and DH who missed out but our child together too.

I always wanted two children and DH did too, but after we had a child together he then had two (one with me, one with his ex) and said he didn't want more and couldn't afford more. I did eventually have a second child, but there is a huge age gap between my two and I always wanted two close together.

DH and his ex had quite a difficult break up and I think he's always felt guilty about that, not that it was his fault, and because of DSC and him still having to see his ex regularly until recently he's not been able to put that behind him.

Once again I want to reiterate I love DSC very much and am very proud of her and I'm glad to have her in my life, but I think if I'd known when I met DH how challenging being a step mum is, even when the child is as lovely as DSC is, I would never have got into a relationship with him.

So AIBU to warn any young women reading this to think hard before committing to a relationship with a man who has a child?

She told him her pregnancy was several weeks further along than she was, meaning according to her she became pregnant a whole month before they met. This obviously turned out to be a lie and I have infact seen the emails from her telling him this. Yes he was stupid for believing her but who can say that at 19 years old you never believed someone when you shouldn't or made a really dumb mistake, hats off to you if you haven't.

@Shatenoeuf @AnneLovesGilbert My now husband was 40 when he met me...does that count as young?!! 😄 He had no kids, I had two (shared care). It's worked wonderfully.

@2026letsgo What makes it different?

In my situation I am with someone who has a (now adult) child, and we have been together for almost a decade, but his kid is absolutely awful, and so we will never live together, as I would never allow his child into my home. It works for us.

Also my ex is married and did the simple thing of cutting my dc out from their lives so he could just move on and play happy families without the compli ation if his own children.

So I guess it works out for some.

On the plus side OP your DH does sound like a really devoted dad to all his children, that’s got to count for something. You can’t change the past so maybe count the blessings you do have rather than lamenting what might have been. You might have chosen a shite husband with no prior kids that then had an affair and left you high and dry. Sounds like you actually bagged a lovely man and have two gorge healthy kids of your own plus a step kid who actually really loves you. That sounds like a dream for some people xx

Dan sounds like a cunt and if he would have to be legally forced to care for his own child full-time in the event of his ex’s incapacitation then I’m not sure I have a word strong enough to describe him.

It’s also bizarre that you would be “happy to be proved wrong” that he has a legal, let alone moral, obligation to care for his own child.

Frankly it’s this attitude, that men are somehow not really responsible for parenting their children, that leads to so much burden being placed on women whose role is to be partners, not part-time parents to children who don’t belong to them.

Nah, not dating any more men with children. I have enough trouble trying to be near the top of any man's priorities without crotch goblins on hand.

I didn't know when I first met DP that he had a child. Once I found out, I knew that it would restrict and constrain my life, but thought I could work hard at the relationship and make sure that I still preserved the things that were important to me.

But very often love, effort and commitment aren't enough. Everyone behaved pretty well, but the eventual result was that I delayed having a child of my own while I tried to rebuild a career that fit around their lives. Everything was a lot harder than it would have otherwise been.

I did know the risks, but thought I could manage them by working very hard and being very committed - and that I would grow into blended family life. It wasn't the relationship/child situation in itself which was the challenge, but what it meant in turn for where I could live and work. My work was central to my life. I now have a job I don't love, and have earned less and compromised more than I expected to have to do. I've tried to build a life with him, but it's not been a life that has been a good fit for me. It's not all down to my partner's situation, because a lot is down to luck - but meeting him was a much bigger fork in the road than I realised at the time.

I'm grateful for what I have and still working at things to have a life I enjoy. But I'm not sure that if I'd known how things would turn out, that I would do it again - even though I know that the other lives I could have lived might have been hard in other ways.

I also think that society does not share these messages with young people, especially young women. There is a strong message that love and family are more important than work, that you can't turn a good man down because he has some complications, and that if you work hard at something, the rewards and meaning will follow. Society is also very bad at allowing us to talk about regret. It is hard for loved ones to hear you express sadness - especially when you can't turn the clock back, and when staying in the relationship might still be the right choice now, since other bridges have been burned. People want to feel like things can be fixed when they can't always. So these conversations are shut down.

Maybe this isn't about men/women as such, but about the younger and older one, or just the one with stronger wishes about their future family.

I met pairs where she already had a child and wanted more of them, he was same age or a bit older. It seemed to work well - they got one together, so she got her "complete", he got his own child plus a bigger family without going through the baby phase repeatedly or needing to establish the parenting from scratch. Kind of win - win.

And, there are women who don't want to birth a child and deal with a baby, but are happy to co-raise an older child of their partner. That can work as well.

Nowadays many people don't have their prefered number of children from other reasons (costs...). Sounds to me that if having more than one is a goal, people need to actively prioritise the choices that enable that option. Partner with a child is only one of the risk factors.

My son has recently begun a relationship with a woman who has a 9 month old baby. They're both 22.
I think he's making things difficult for himself.
Best case scenario they stay together long term. He's a great step dad, happily ever after.
But there are so many potential problems. Worse of all is that he gets attached to this child, and the child to him and the relationship ends. Heartbreak all around.

Would not wanting to be away from her child for the whole holiday period really be “drama” or would it be quite a reasonable desire on the part of a mother?

Yeah, I was thinking specifically about young women.

I was 21 when I met DH. Looking back that was a ridiculously young age to be restricting my life for the sake of someone else's child, or for the sake of a man.

A woman in her thirties or older who meets a man with a child would at least have had a chance to find out what she wants from life, and if a step child fits in with it.

The problem is it's human nature to minimise downsides and maximise upsides when you want something. I think most people know that it's really hard to have a relationship with kids involved, but then you fall in love with someone without the kids around, and you're already in deep, and they introduce you to the cute and cuddly toddler and you play happy families on a trip to the zoo, and think how fun it would be to be a real family... and the reality of the drudge and having to raise someone else's child is conveniently put to one side

I had known DH a number of years when he asked me to be his girlfriend. I'm old (early 50s), and before I said yes I asked if he was single. The next question I asked was did he have DC. They were my somewhat naive deal breakers back then. DH also said he wouldn't have had a serious relationship with anyone with DC.
Independently we'd both known we wanted to experience life's relationship firts together e.g. engagement, wedding, children,etc. I knew it would make life less complicated and easier.
From my albeit limited experience, blended families rarely work for everyone, especially the DSC who get to visit their other parent, seeing other DC enjoying a family full time with their dad or mum.

If she just said no then that wouldn't be drama, but maybe DH expected a dramatic reaction from her if he asked.

I used to get so annoyed with him at times when he wouldn't ask his ex perfectly reasonable things, that she could easily have said no to anyway, but seeing other people mentioning exes causing drama it's just clicked that maybe all along he was just trying to avoid that.

I actually refused to have any dc with dh as I didn't want to be embroiled in their chaos..
I did remarry and have another dc.

Blended families rarely work, and I think only ever benefit the adults - never the children.

Some women (and men) are very well suited to step-parenting and thrive in those roles. One of my friends had a stepmum who had a bit of a phobia of pregnancy and birth but was enthusiastic about the idea of raising kids, and didn't care about a biological connection. Her bio mum was out of the picture and she thinks of her stepmum as her real mum.

In general I agree, but I don't think what step-parenting involves is any secret and anyone who's dating should have the self-knowledge about whether they'd truly be up for it or not, and act accordingly. I'm child-free and it was really, really easy not to date men with kids. There was no question of happening to fall in love with one, or life just happening to us, because there would be no first date in the first place. I've got no idea how anyone accidentally ends up in a relationship with a parent, yet at no point thinks properly about what step-parenting involves - just seems like a failure to think things through.

YANBU . I have done it and I wish I knew what I’m getting into . I would NOT do it again

@gannett my point though was that being informed isn't necessarily enough. I did know there was a risk that it might not work out as I hoped, but thought that I could work hard to make sure that everything would be as good as possible. It turned out that there were too many factors I couldn't control.

It's quite an ask, to have 100% perfect foresight. There weren't online communities at the time, and it was not something that was as common then so that I could look at friends or family members to work out if it were something I could manage.

I dated a man with kids when I was in my 20s, it was my first proper long term relationship. I hated it, so I left him and pursued my plans/dreams instead. No regrets

You said yourself she had never caused any drama, so the more likely reason is that your husband is conflict-avoidant and likes to blame other people for his inability to hear a direct no (or he didn’t really want to do whatever the thing is himself and uses the ex’s “refusal” as a proxy).

My ex is always avoiding what could be perfectly reasonable discussions with me simply because he cannot handle compromise and struggles to emotionally regulate during negotiations.

I can’t count the number of times he has come at me with some built-up resentment over something I was never even spoken to about in the first place. It’s bizarre.

@Victorius19 I didn't want a blended family; not least because I couldn't have afforded to house more children than the two I already had. And I didn't want my existing two to have to share bedrooms after having their own etc.
Hence why I chose to date men with no children.

I refused to date men who had children. Have always been glad I did when I read most of the step parent stuff on here. I can't see any benefit in dating a man with children.

I very casually dated men who had dc in my 20s, with no intention of commitment.

By my 30s when looking for a DH I wouldn't date anyone with dc, even though it narrowed the field hugely.

I'm so glad I did. Having young dc is hard, relationship straining stuff. Factor in another child who isn't biologically yours coming to stay over a lot, maintenance payments, the potential for a difficult relationship between the child's parents....I wouldn't have coped.

It may mean letting go a really lovely man or 2 along the way, but for me it was absolutely the right choice.