To advise young women to think hard before getting into a relationship with a man who has a child?

[stepmumthinking]

Before I start I want to make it clear I love my DSC very much and absolutely do not resent her at all but if I'd known when I was young how having a DSC would impact my life I might have made different decisions back then.

Before I met my now DH I had plans that weren't possible with a DSC involved. DH always said if he didn't have a child he would have supported me and made my plans his too, but it just wasn't possible. And, yes, that was my decision, I gave up my plans because I fell in love with DH (and DSC). I still wonder sometimes what would have happened if I'd chosen my plans over DH, and I think if I had I wouldn't now be wondering what would have happened if I'd chosen DH.

Money has sometimes been a struggle and it wouldn't have been if he'd not been paying child support.

DH had to do all the pick up and drop offs because his ex doesn't drive and the journey is long and complicated on public transport so we lost a large chunk of time every other weekend. Even when I had a newborn he still did it. He didn't even think to ask her if she could meet him halfway and she didn't offer and it was hard being left alone with a small baby.

We've missed out on family trips. One Christmas his parents, siblings and their spouses and children all went abroad. We were invited but he declined the invitation because he said if he took DSC it wouldn't be fair on his ex to have her child away for the whole Christmas holiday, and it wouldn't be fair on DSC if we went and left her behind. It wasn't just me and DH who missed out but our child together too.

I always wanted two children and DH did too, but after we had a child together he then had two (one with me, one with his ex) and said he didn't want more and couldn't afford more. I did eventually have a second child, but there is a huge age gap between my two and I always wanted two close together.

DH and his ex had quite a difficult break up and I think he's always felt guilty about that, not that it was his fault, and because of DSC and him still having to see his ex regularly until recently he's not been able to put that behind him.

Once again I want to reiterate I love DSC very much and am very proud of her and I'm glad to have her in my life, but I think if I'd known when I met DH how challenging being a step mum is, even when the child is as lovely as DSC is, I would never have got into a relationship with him.

So AIBU to warn any young women reading this to think hard before committing to a relationship with a man who has a child?

When I was dating, I never entertained anyone with kids.

I didn’t want my own, let alone someone else’s curtailing my life, so I never allowed myself the chance to develop feelings someone in that way.
i can’t understand why anyone would begin to date a person with kids. But we’re all different and like/want different things.

I was very clear I wasn’t interested in parenting someone else’s kid. What I’ve learnt from MN is that many women feel like that but they marry men with kids anyway and then resent them.

The problem with many of these men is that can’t be alone. They don’t want the realities of of family life so the new partner invariably takes the strain.

@Theheatishot For my now husband it was because he'd always wanted children in his life (even it was only for half of the time), but he and his ex-wife were unable to have any. It wasn't the reason they separated, but he found himself in his 40s and on his own.
My two were about 7 and 10 when we met, so not tiny.
He's a brilliant stepdad.

Sound advice. I've seen it work out well for some couples but also a few complete disasters. If I found myself single I would just stay alone forever and raise my son. Everyone my age has baggage of some description and its challenging enough dealing with my own.

Absolutely. I don't understand how people can get involved with someone who's a parent and it surprises them how much they are expected to compromise and even sacrifice. Money, time, attention...not to mention the drama that often comes along with an ex that's the mother or father of your partner's children.

Things become further messy when additional children are added. Now there's a blended family setup, which I'm totally against. They're always unfair on someone.

If you're child free I can't for the life of me understand why you'd ever get involved with someone who has children. There are other options.

My husband had 2 & I had 1 all similar ages

the difference is that while his ex tried to initially make things difficult my husband refused to play her game and she soon backed down - a lot of the problems I see is that the men are to weak to cause any problems with the ex wife and would rather piss of the new wife / partner than his ex

I don’t think I ever looked after his kids that was his job to do I would obviously keep an eye on them but school drop off and pick ups when he had them - down to him
but he is a fully functioning adult and was perfectly capable of doing this - he didn’t need another person to help him or be a replacement mum/ wife

we also kept separate homes for many years which meant when he had his kids we weren’t forced together we could just meet up and maybe go swimming or something

we also kept separate finances and still do now
this meant that if I wanted to spend my money on my DC - DH couldn’t say that Is fair ( not that he would )

we had holidays together as a family but I also I had no issues in going on holiday on my own or with my family and my DC and on occasions me dh and my dc would go on holiday without his DC

i think what helped is that we didn’t have kids together - we both decided that we had enough kids 😂

a lot of the problems I see is that the men are to weak to cause any problems with the ex wife and would rather piss of the new wife / partner than his ex

Maybe the real problem is that a lot of men are unable to show and balance consideration for the feelings and needs of two women simultaneously and therefore one woman always has to become the villain 🙄

So sad when patriarchal tropes are repeated by women

To be fair he sounds like a great Dad . That’s worth alot.

It's easy to assume the alternative would have been easier.

Maybe you'd never have met someone who felt as much your soulmate.

Maybe you would have never been able to have children at all.

Or you would have found out your husband was infertile.

Or your husband had a job that meant you could never go away for Xmas anyway etc....

You can't make choices in life based on the assumption that an alternative choice will automatically be better.

It’s the one bit of advice I give my daughter regularly. Never get into a relationship with a man that already has children. It’s the biggest regret of my life & fostered deep rooted resentment & anger for years.

Disruptions are usually due to the step childs other parent in the background making things difficult. Not the SC fault.

There’s less risk as society doesn’t expect men to put their lives on hold for other people’s children. And step dads rarely end up doing almost all the childcare for a SC, which regularly happens for stepmums.

But as a mother, if my DH left or died I absolutely would not date seriously or introduce anyone to them until they were young adults. It’s destabilising. I’m always surprised that women leaving a marriage or relationship even want to bother again. All the risk is on the women.

There may be much less childcare expectation of stepdads, but I think there is much more financial expectation. The children are likely to live with the mother most of the time, so a man is more likely to be living with them almost full-time, and expected to contribute to them in the household in a way SM’s who have DSC every other weekend are not.

I’d advise my son and daughter both to avoid it, based on experience. As a PP said, why make your life harder than it needs to be.

If you're child free I can't for the life of me understand why you'd ever get involved with someone who has children. There are other options.

The last bit is what I don't get about people who date parents. Through my 30s I knew far, far more child-free single men than single dads. Same is true in my 40s. Most of these men seem perfectly normal and dateable. The idea that any woman's only options are men who already have children doesn't ring true at all.

There is actually a long running thread for the best part of a week that I actually commented on about this.

A woman in her late 20s has been involved with a man 10 years older than her for a quite some time. He has a child from a previous relationship. And he's now turned around and said to her, he doesn't want to have any more children.He's done it once that's enough.

This is not the first time i've heard this story.One of my colleagues did it, bit he. waited until they were actually married to do it. He told my colleague after they were married.After about three months of marriage that he didn't want any more kids, he'd done it once that was enough.

There are other options. Especially when you're young, you don't have to get involved with a man who has children, or if you're a man, a woman who has children.

It only really works if you both have children from previous relationships and neither of you want anymore and if neither of you want to really live together and blend families, because of all the problems that comes with that.

As some whose DH did actually die, I can assure you it's not that simple. Lone parenting is a hell of a long and lonely journey, and it's natural to want a partner for all sorts of reasons - company, intimacy, support. That doesn't mean desperately jumping into a relationship or introducing every Tom Dick or Harry that comes along, but it's really easy to say you'd be just fine on your own for a decade or so when haven't walked in those shoes.

YANBU.

But I think in your case, the issue of your DH having kids is secondary.

The key issue is that you dropped your own ambitions and plans, and chucked your lot in with a man. You say:

I gave up my plans because I fell in love with DH (and DSC).

Because your DH had a child who was his priority and who shaped his time, you throwing your lot in with him didn't work out well for you. But the fundamental issue isn't that DH had children, its that you were willing to restrict and constrain your own life and give up on your own ambitions for a man. That's what I'd advise young women to think hard about.

I agree OP, many years ago I dated a man with a child and I had children too. One day he said he didn't feel a blended family would work and although I was very upset at the time he was right. Years later I was in a relationship and my adult children weren't keen. It was stressful and they are adults. I can imagine that with younger children it's even more stressful.

I think it very much depends on age. When I was young, around 18–19, I always told my friends I would never date a man with kids. I found it strange that they would date someone with one, or in some cases, three kids. But I guess as you get older, most people have kids.

I’m on the other side of this. I’m the child in a blended family.

This sounds childish for a 55 year old woman, but having to deal with the politics of a blended family even now is the worst thing I face to deal with in my life. I’m just not interested in my step family. I’m embarrassed to say that I even told my elderly dad a few months ago that I was done speaking to him because of the animosity and politics of my step siblings.

It’s shit all round. I see it as a SC and step sibling, and I see my lovely friend on the receiving end of it from her SC.

There have been trying times in my own marriage (that we’ve worked through and come out the other side) but one thing that made me stay was the thought of introducing a step mum/ dad to my kids. I hated mine.

When I was in my 20s,I didn't even know if I wanted kids of my own, let alone someone else's. I also knew that I was inherently selfish and would want a partner's full attention.

Having seen numerous car crash attempts to blend families, if I were to start again after dh, it'd have to be with someone with adult or near adult dc, to match my own.

My advice is don’t do it unless you’re completely head over heels and have no choice.
You will always be in second place while the children are young.

I agree. And it isn't always the SC as @stepmumthinking has said. It's frequently the ex. My partner with children's ex wife left him for another man. 25 years on she was STILL interfering with our relationship.

• 'Should Claws move in while (30 year old) DC is still there?' (Despite having married the man she left for.)

• 'You can't move! It's DC's home!' (30 years old remember).

• 'DC can hear you and Claws having sex. It's not appropriate while DC is at home.' Despite DC having their own partner living there/having sex themeselves.

Never again will I consider a partner with children. Being single forever is preferable.