To advise young women to think hard before getting into a relationship with a man who has a child?

[stepmumthinking]

Before I start I want to make it clear I love my DSC very much and absolutely do not resent her at all but if I'd known when I was young how having a DSC would impact my life I might have made different decisions back then.

Before I met my now DH I had plans that weren't possible with a DSC involved. DH always said if he didn't have a child he would have supported me and made my plans his too, but it just wasn't possible. And, yes, that was my decision, I gave up my plans because I fell in love with DH (and DSC). I still wonder sometimes what would have happened if I'd chosen my plans over DH, and I think if I had I wouldn't now be wondering what would have happened if I'd chosen DH.

Money has sometimes been a struggle and it wouldn't have been if he'd not been paying child support.

DH had to do all the pick up and drop offs because his ex doesn't drive and the journey is long and complicated on public transport so we lost a large chunk of time every other weekend. Even when I had a newborn he still did it. He didn't even think to ask her if she could meet him halfway and she didn't offer and it was hard being left alone with a small baby.

We've missed out on family trips. One Christmas his parents, siblings and their spouses and children all went abroad. We were invited but he declined the invitation because he said if he took DSC it wouldn't be fair on his ex to have her child away for the whole Christmas holiday, and it wouldn't be fair on DSC if we went and left her behind. It wasn't just me and DH who missed out but our child together too.

I always wanted two children and DH did too, but after we had a child together he then had two (one with me, one with his ex) and said he didn't want more and couldn't afford more. I did eventually have a second child, but there is a huge age gap between my two and I always wanted two close together.

DH and his ex had quite a difficult break up and I think he's always felt guilty about that, not that it was his fault, and because of DSC and him still having to see his ex regularly until recently he's not been able to put that behind him.

Once again I want to reiterate I love DSC very much and am very proud of her and I'm glad to have her in my life, but I think if I'd known when I met DH how challenging being a step mum is, even when the child is as lovely as DSC is, I would never have got into a relationship with him.

So AIBU to warn any young women reading this to think hard before committing to a relationship with a man who has a child?

I agree but more so because of DPs ex, she throughout our entire relationship has tried to insert herself, bad mouth me to everyone including DP and their child, use the child as a weapon including being a narcissist and parental alienation as well as claim mine and DP’s child should come last to their child as she is not important. If I knew then what I know today I would not have been with or had children with DP, more because it affects the children so much it’s not fair on them, they deserve to have a good relationship and a child should be allowed to spend time with their dad and be included in his family, she has made our lives hell and funnily enough the only times we’ve ever had huge arguments where I’ve considered leaving is always because of her

I don’t think anyone ideally chooses another partner with a child, but often by the time you end up with one it’s because you are no longer in your 20s with the pick
of the crowd.

If things end between DH and I, I’ll never date a man with kids again.

Just out of interest but should men also not date women with children ?

I guess it would be the same.

I was just thinking about my experience as a woman with a man who had children.

I'm not saying no one should ever date someone with children, just think hard about if it's what you really want, and think about what life will be like with them before you make a commitment.

I don't disagree with you but I doubt if childless women really understand how their lives will inevitably change once they have a baby of their own.

Agreed. My friend's daughter (Ivy I will call her) married a man (Dan) last year who has a son with a disability and he requires lots of care, like 24/7 (he is 6.) Ivy says 'his ex wife and her parents have him 90% of the time, and thank God Dan doesn't have him a lot.'

But the little boy has stayed with Ivy and Dan 3 or 4 times in the past 8 months, for 3-4 days. Ivy said if ever the little boy came into Dan's care full time (if the ex wife died or couldn't cope) the marriage would not survive, as she would never stay with Dan if he had his son there all the time. He needs 24/7 care, and Dan even needs to sleep with his son. Ivy sleeps in the spare room while Dan and his son sleep in their bed. His son has to be carried around. He cannot walk.

I find it inexplicable and bizarre that Ivy has married Dan. If his son needs care and his ex can't do it any more for some reason, Dan will surely take over as his carer. He's his father. I am sure he legally has to. (Happy to be proven wrong.)

Yanbu. I have done it, but would not do it again, even though DH is amazing.

I would advise anyone to run for the hills. As the person who comes with no commitments, it’s always you who has to bend and compromise. You are never allowed to want or feel anything as children (quite fairly) must always come first. DSC always seem to remain more dependent than your own DC too; if you encourage independence or resilience in your own DC, it’s good parenting. If you do the same for DSC, it’s seen as you removing support/attention/love because you’ve lost interest/have your own DC/any other mean SM trope.

It’s thankless.

My husband had no children when we met - I had two (half of the time). It worked perfectly for us.

I couldn’t agree more. Have seen it all so many times.

DH and I don’t have children together. One of the reasons (although not the only reason) is the absolute circus that took place EOW with DSS and DH’s ex. Bringing an extra child into that would have been really difficult. So I get your point, OP

I'm in my 50s and TBH the fact the BF doesn't have DC (or a significant ex) is a major plus, despite the fact that makes him a bit odd at his age.

That is so sad for the little boy.

Would you have listened?
Would you have chosen not date him?

I think most people have heard the stories of how hard being step parent can be but if in love most won't consider a lot.

Maybe not.

I was completely in love and DSC was adorable.

I thought everything was going to be perfect because all you need is love.

I completely agree. I have been with my husband for 30+ years. He had two young DC when we met. I can't think of a single way in which they have enhanced our life together, so I would never recommend any young woman to have a relationship with a man with a child. I lay the blame for this at his feet rather than the children's - he doesn't have the emotional maturity to manage a more complex family set up, so things are unnecessarily harder than they need to be.

You're not wrong that it's not an easy life and it comes with many complications.

I have been lucky in that my husband absolutely would not allow DD to miss out on anything because of BM.

She has caused us a lot of stress over the years but now SD is 16 and we have very little contact with her.

Same thing Often worse as the kids often live full time with the mother. A bloke with a kid would be a no no for me. Wouldn't get past the first date

I expect that the vast majority to do as you do. Even with your advice.

Some will probably think no thanks upfront and avoid dating partners with children. I did but I was in my twenties then I met DH.

The older you get maybe after previous divorce and children of your own the harder it becomes for you to date people without children. Of course it can be done.

I don't know, life can be complex in lots of ways, not many of us have a straightforward path through marriage or long relationships. It sounds like your marriage has lasted and you had the children you wanted, that's really something. It might never have been a choice between this and the ideal alternative life. I did everything "right" insofar as we were both young and child free when we got together, then I was widowed when my child was 2, and now I am the lone parent dating someone without kids. Also difficult and complex but I look around and so many of my friends are divorced, living in unhappy marriages, problems with kids...maybe this is just the brand of difficulty in life you were landed with, try not to imagine life would have been much easier if you'd passed your dh by.

I agree. Having a DSD made life so much more complicated in ways I didn’t expect and led to sacrifices on many things none her fault. She’s absolutely easy. Having our own joint DC enhanced this to. I would however choose DH again every single time so its worth it

Shame on Dan for swanning off and leaving his poor wife and her parents to cope with his severely disabled child. Sounds like Ivy bagged herself a real prince 🙄 Is she ok with the likelihood that if she also has a disabled child (is it a genetic condition?) then Dan will likely do exactly the same to her? And by default to your friend, too, who will inevitably have to step in and help Ivy? Twat.

In my case I didn't live with DH until we married and bought a house together.

I thought I knew the reality of being a step mum because I'd stayed with DH and been on holiday with him and DSC, but by the time I found out what it was really going to be like I was tripley committed, marriage, house and involved in a small child's life.

Yanbu. I unexpectedly became a stepparent due to my partner only being told about his eldest (who was conceived after a brief relationship before we met where he as told he wasn't the Dad as Mum said baby had been conceived before they got together and it was impossible for him to be the Dad) a year after we got married (together 6 years at the time). It has not been great and if this has been something we knew about before I'd have not got into a relationship with him and would recommend anyone considering it to seriously think about it, especially if the situation is a high conflict one. It's not an easy dynamic to be part of at all.

YANBU. Years ago when I was online dating there wasn’t a chance in hell that I would have chosen a man with kids. There were a couple of occasions where it wasn’t immediately obvious, but as soon as I found out they had kids, I ended it. Some even pleaded with me, saying that kids wouldn’t impact the relationship in anyway because they lived with their mum most of the time! Yeah right!

Have never understood why young women want to settle for someone with kids unless they have them themselves. Of course it’s going to have a huge impact on your life and finances.