To advise young women to think hard before getting into a relationship with a man who has a child?

[stepmumthinking]

Before I start I want to make it clear I love my DSC very much and absolutely do not resent her at all but if I'd known when I was young how having a DSC would impact my life I might have made different decisions back then.

Before I met my now DH I had plans that weren't possible with a DSC involved. DH always said if he didn't have a child he would have supported me and made my plans his too, but it just wasn't possible. And, yes, that was my decision, I gave up my plans because I fell in love with DH (and DSC). I still wonder sometimes what would have happened if I'd chosen my plans over DH, and I think if I had I wouldn't now be wondering what would have happened if I'd chosen DH.

Money has sometimes been a struggle and it wouldn't have been if he'd not been paying child support.

DH had to do all the pick up and drop offs because his ex doesn't drive and the journey is long and complicated on public transport so we lost a large chunk of time every other weekend. Even when I had a newborn he still did it. He didn't even think to ask her if she could meet him halfway and she didn't offer and it was hard being left alone with a small baby.

We've missed out on family trips. One Christmas his parents, siblings and their spouses and children all went abroad. We were invited but he declined the invitation because he said if he took DSC it wouldn't be fair on his ex to have her child away for the whole Christmas holiday, and it wouldn't be fair on DSC if we went and left her behind. It wasn't just me and DH who missed out but our child together too.

I always wanted two children and DH did too, but after we had a child together he then had two (one with me, one with his ex) and said he didn't want more and couldn't afford more. I did eventually have a second child, but there is a huge age gap between my two and I always wanted two close together.

DH and his ex had quite a difficult break up and I think he's always felt guilty about that, not that it was his fault, and because of DSC and him still having to see his ex regularly until recently he's not been able to put that behind him.

Once again I want to reiterate I love DSC very much and am very proud of her and I'm glad to have her in my life, but I think if I'd known when I met DH how challenging being a step mum is, even when the child is as lovely as DSC is, I would never have got into a relationship with him.

So AIBU to warn any young women reading this to think hard before committing to a relationship with a man who has a child?

YANBU. I have a friend who is dating a man with a child and I have been warning her not to from the start. A year in, it's finally too much and they're breaking up. She's 35 so has wasted a very precious year.

Now I have my own child and know what it involves, I would NEVER date a man with a child.

That's funny.
As a mum of two I would advise othet single mums to avoid dating men without children. I did and thoight it would cut down on complications but they couldn't quite cope with the implications of my having the kids and the restrictions that caused. Not overtly resentful or anything, but.... it caused a strain I think might not have been there if they were a parent too. But then perhaps it would just have doubled those feelings as we'd both have felt like that.

If i date again I think i will hope he's an involved dad of older kids, similar ages to mine, so there's the inbuilt understanding but im notngoing to have to accommodate toddlers again or something!

I don’t really get the point of your post. No one can be prepared to be a parent as it is completely life changing, as is becoming a step parent. No one can tell you what it is like and until you experience it you have no idea how life changing it is. You’re like thousands of other women who underestimate becoming a step mum but wouldn’t have listened anyway. You had only stayed with him and been on holiday and somehow thought this was reality. You’re also resentful that his child had stopped some occasions but you decided to stay and have two children with him. You’ve made choices yet are taking no responsibility for this and are instead resentful towards him and his child. He actually sounds like he prioritises his child which so many men on here fail to do yet you’re not focused on this positive and focus instead on complaining about him doing the school run. I hope he keeps prioritising his first child and that she doesn’t pick up on your resentment.

I have to disagree, my ex didn’t have children, was keen for children together but then found he didn’t much like being a father and didn’t want to share much either so always struggled financially. My current DH had 2 lovely DSC and although the child support payments on top of associated cost of shared care (bigger house etc) have financially crippled us for years (as it effectively leaves your own children worse off than if you were on benefits) it was definitely worth it to be with a better man and of course lucky enough for DSC to be a bonus too

No advice would have stopped you would it?

Thankless is the exact word to describe it.
Then after 12 years of emotional investment, sacrifice, compromise and financial generosity there's some disagreement or big decision to make and you get the cutting 'you're not his/her real parent so it's nothing to do with you' from someone in the bio familily or 'you're not my real mother' from the step children themselves. And in an instant, after all those years of sacrifice, you have been dismissed and marginalised and made to feel absolutely shit.
There should be some special place in paradise reserved for step parents who manage all this and stay sane and invested in their relationship. I'm not one, but have the most admiration for anyone who manages it. But not sure why you would chose it.

And here, reader, is the crux - see how the question is put 'what if I did not have a step-child' - note, not 'what if I did not have the two of my own'. Because, of course, it is only step children who disrupt plans, not your biological children. Again, Cinderella and Snow White are documentaries, not made up stories.

YANBU at all, I wouldn’t even go on a date.

Best thing about ending my marriage after being rid of Man Child was no more Baby Mamma Drama. (Song lyrics which explain things hugely probably for many !)
The dc themselves were fine. Adding in jealous, controlling dm's was a lot less than fine.

Total head fuck.
For example my dc were feral because they didn't line the bowl with tissue before a poo..
And no trips out with dsc because it wasn't fair dm wasn't their to share the memory .
Trips out with my dc ended in abuse via text to us both .

Wow. That must be tough.

At least when I married DH I knew I'd be taking on a child and already had a great relationship with DSC.

I wouldn’t if I was a man. Who wants to play second fiddle to someone else’s children, deal with the ex etc? But beggars can’t be choosers and sometimes we just meet someone we like.

Probably not.

Even if someone had come and told me everything I know now I would probably have thought things would be different for me.

Parents can't be legally forced to care for their children, but it would be the natural thing for the surviving parent to bring up a child whose other parent has died.

Or just be careful full stop. My ex has a child with me. Hasn’t told his family and tells anyone he dates he’s child free. What a fucking prince.

I think the problem is deep down women do have this expectation that a man will still be able to start a new family without any of the baggage of his ‘old family’ and when that baggage is children it’s pretty obvious it can’t be the case.

I'm lucky that DH's ex didn't cause any drama. I don't think I would have lasted if she had.

It was DH vetoing things like the Christmas trip I mentioned in my OP without even asking her if she'd let DSC come. But who knows, maybe the reason he didn't ask was to avoid drama.

Surely with his 10 fingers he could’ve worked out himself if it were likely or not that he was in the running to be the dad? He didn’t need her to do the maths for him?

You are making an assumption that every young woman wants to start a family of her own. Many don't. It's also possible to have a relationship but never live in the same house as them. If I got involved with someone with kids I would just be a 'girlfriend' who lives separately and is more like an aunty to the child with no real responsibility. I do think that's a good option if you're not someone that wants the whole 'settling down' thing. Presumably most of the time the child has a mother so they don't need another one.

I agree. I wouldn't have dated a man with children when I was young. Not saying it can't work out, but taking on the thankless responsibility of being a step-mother wasn't what I wanted from life. To be completely honest, I selfishly wished to be the most important person to someone for at least those first few years of the relationship, with no sharing of time and affection. I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting that, either. It's harder to achieve when you're older and so many potential partners will already have children, but the OP did specify that her advice was for young women.

Er but that makes you the mum and not the dad. It’s a different dynamic.

We both had one when we met. Never blended the families in terms of living arrangements. Much easier.

I have tried to impress upon my DD not to get involved with any man who has DC.

The complications just aren’t worth it when there are millions of other men who don’t already have children.

For a lot of the same reasons I'd also counsel young men against getting with a woman who already has kids.

You are making an assumption that every young woman wants to start a family of her own

Much harder in some ways if you don’t want your own kids but date a man who has some/become a step mum. All of the compromise, loss of freedom, costs, someone else partially dictating where you live, the free time your partner has, being on call for someone else’s priorities changing, child related illness or emergencies. None of the benefits of being a parent.

This last sentence really just sums it up.

Why would you, if you could not.

Absolutely.