To advise young women to think hard before getting into a relationship with a man who has a child?

[stepmumthinking]

Before I start I want to make it clear I love my DSC very much and absolutely do not resent her at all but if I'd known when I was young how having a DSC would impact my life I might have made different decisions back then.

Before I met my now DH I had plans that weren't possible with a DSC involved. DH always said if he didn't have a child he would have supported me and made my plans his too, but it just wasn't possible. And, yes, that was my decision, I gave up my plans because I fell in love with DH (and DSC). I still wonder sometimes what would have happened if I'd chosen my plans over DH, and I think if I had I wouldn't now be wondering what would have happened if I'd chosen DH.

Money has sometimes been a struggle and it wouldn't have been if he'd not been paying child support.

DH had to do all the pick up and drop offs because his ex doesn't drive and the journey is long and complicated on public transport so we lost a large chunk of time every other weekend. Even when I had a newborn he still did it. He didn't even think to ask her if she could meet him halfway and she didn't offer and it was hard being left alone with a small baby.

We've missed out on family trips. One Christmas his parents, siblings and their spouses and children all went abroad. We were invited but he declined the invitation because he said if he took DSC it wouldn't be fair on his ex to have her child away for the whole Christmas holiday, and it wouldn't be fair on DSC if we went and left her behind. It wasn't just me and DH who missed out but our child together too.

I always wanted two children and DH did too, but after we had a child together he then had two (one with me, one with his ex) and said he didn't want more and couldn't afford more. I did eventually have a second child, but there is a huge age gap between my two and I always wanted two close together.

DH and his ex had quite a difficult break up and I think he's always felt guilty about that, not that it was his fault, and because of DSC and him still having to see his ex regularly until recently he's not been able to put that behind him.

Once again I want to reiterate I love DSC very much and am very proud of her and I'm glad to have her in my life, but I think if I'd known when I met DH how challenging being a step mum is, even when the child is as lovely as DSC is, I would never have got into a relationship with him.

So AIBU to warn any young women reading this to think hard before committing to a relationship with a man who has a child?

One of the challenges in the early years was that every now and again I would get very unsettled and realise that things would never resolve for the better.

It was just relentlessly hard. My partner would sense that I was withdrawing and then panic, because I could leave, and he couldn't follow. His fear was that my heart wasn't in it and that I would abandon them.

It was an awful dynamic. I used to travel for work, but he began to get very anxious when I was away - it was often a trigger for major rows.

Eventually things stabilised once I stopped travelling and eventually had a child.

You have an experience of one. So you are not qualified to say it “never” works.

I don’t think it’s always clear cut and tbh I think it’s harder if you don’t have kids of your own already.

i am a step-mum but i was also a lone parent before I met my DH and that means we both brought children to the relationship. After starting dating men without children I realised I didn’t want that - mostly because I wasn’t sure I wanted any more children and so I didn’t want to feel pressured to have more for them if they wanted kids, but if they didn’t want kids I worried whether they would really ever accept/love my DS (who I have full time). Additionally, meeting someone who was already a father (a dedicated, loving one with 50:50) and knowing we were generally in agreement on parenting styles, really helped. Ironically after meeting him and falling in love I did want more kids and we have a child together now too.

DH is my older son’s “step-dad” legally, but absolutely his dad in every meaningful sense of the word and when my son is a teen and old enough to decide for himself he would love to legally adopt him.

is being a step-mom always easy? No (but being a mom isn’t either)

would my life be easier if not dictated by a very difficult ex? Yes in many ways, but I lived the lone parent life and know there are pros and cons to that too. I know what I have gained by being with DH and also what I have lost.

Would I do it again if I went back in time? Yes because I love him and still feel the pros of our family outweigh any cons.

do I think all our children are happy? Broadly but I think my step-children struggle most because of things outside of my control. To be honest that’s the hardest part of step-parenting for me, knowing I can’t always help or change things for the better, I can’t go back in time and give them the same opportunities my own children have now at the same age for them. My DSD said only today about our youngest how lucky he is to go on a big holiday with us at such a young age, I understand that jealousy, but I explained that was just luck because we can afford it now and that we were taking them all as soon as we could afford it, he just happens to be younger and experiencing it sooner.

I ended a relationship because my exP had two DC. They were in their teens when we met but I saw very quickly that I would never be his priority - rightly so! His DC were absolutely lovely but there were times I wanted to do something and he needed to do something with his DC…obviously it was a no contest. It just didn’t work for me …

Totally agree. I fell in love with my dh who had 3 children, quite liked being part time step mum, but it did restrict our lives. Then their mother wasn’t able to look after them and they moved in. Totally different, so restrictive. Logically if I knew then what I know now I’d have run a mile, but love gets you! We’re still in love all these years later, but my life would have been so much easier if I’d walked away! I don’t regret it as I made the best choices for me at the time with the knowledge and emotional maturity I had then.

What about his desire to have his own children?

I think this is true. Being a step parent is a difficult thankless role. You're not supposed to play mum in some setups and be more like a cool aunt, but put up with behaviours you wouldn't sit and watch your child behave like that. In other setups, you're expected to be mum.... but not too much 'mum'.. put your heart and soul into it but don't expect anything more in return than you'd receive from an acquaintance as the child grows up and always know your place. It's so hard finding the medium ground and often involves making the same sacrifices you'd make with your own child at times.

Perhaps he doesn't want them

@HollyhocksandPeons He and his first wife were unable to have any together unfortunately (that wasn't the reason they split).
We now also share a little girl together (his first and last - he's had the snip!) 😀

You have to be pretty selfless to be in a relationship when there’s already a child involved. And most people are too selfish to deal with it because relationships are sold as these romantic love stories that are perfect, no child contact schedule to think about, financial compromises etc. You should not become involved with someone who has a child unless you are willing to put the child/ren first.

My husband has an amicable relationship with his ex and my DSSis wonderful. He is the best big brother to our children and is growing into a young man we are all very proud of. Even so, it hasn’t been 100% smooth sailing over the years.

Add into the mix a step parent who doesn’t want the role (turns into resentment) or a difficult ex who tries to sabotage the new relationship, children being used as pawns etc it becomes impossible to sustain the relationship.

100% agree.

I have told my DH as much too.

Dss is 22 and still living at our house with no current plans to move out.

If I dare suggest it (he has a good job) I am mean for pushing him out.

The irritation, resentment and rows over the years are huge. I'm at my happiest when it is just me and my two (joint) children at home.

Totally agree, OP. You take on care of someone else's children, you have all the commitments, limitations and expense of being a parent without actually being a parent - very often not getting anything back, not even a Thank you. Having a childless partner who looks after your kids from previous marriage would be a huge benefit for any guy, but what is in it for a female?
And very often there is also bad history with stepchildrens mum, family drama and stress... who needs all that? Bringing additional kids into these situations only complicates things...

I think also it's important to establish ground rules before getting involved with someone who already has children. I didn't ever want my new partner to feel I would expect him to take on financial responsibility for my existing children; that was responsibility of myself and my ex-husband. But I did absolutely expect him to be a presence in their lives as well as a good role model (which he has always been).

But yet when it comes to uni finance his income will be taken into account

So if he'd had kids with his first wife you would've missed out as you wouldn't have dated him then?

@Firefly1987 It wouldn't have worked had he children from his first marriage, mostly from a financial pov. He moved in with us - we only had a two-bed at the time (privately renting) - and I already had two sons. A few years later we found a bigger private rental (three bed) which was at the very height of what we could afford, and my sons had their own rooms.
There is simply no way we would have been able to afford to comfortably house a blended family.

@Timeforachange26 My eldest son is already at uni and is supported primarily by his bio father who is extremely wealthy. No student loan for him, the lucky thing! The same will be the case for my middle son who is just starting 6th Form.

I was 21 and he was 28 when we met.

I did go to university. I deliberately trained in a profession that would make living abroad easier but of course that didn't happen when he wouldn't want to leave his child behind and I didn't want to leave him behind.

Did you do ish your training?

It's neither his fault nor that of his child that you made those choices. We all make choices every day. Doors close behind us.

Yes I finished my training, still working in that profession and I've had a decent career so far, it's just I'm 20 miles from where I grew up and I thought I could be on the other side of the world by now!

I know that was my choice and no one made me stay here.