To advise young women to think hard before getting into a relationship with a man who has a child?

[stepmumthinking]

Before I start I want to make it clear I love my DSC very much and absolutely do not resent her at all but if I'd known when I was young how having a DSC would impact my life I might have made different decisions back then.

Before I met my now DH I had plans that weren't possible with a DSC involved. DH always said if he didn't have a child he would have supported me and made my plans his too, but it just wasn't possible. And, yes, that was my decision, I gave up my plans because I fell in love with DH (and DSC). I still wonder sometimes what would have happened if I'd chosen my plans over DH, and I think if I had I wouldn't now be wondering what would have happened if I'd chosen DH.

Money has sometimes been a struggle and it wouldn't have been if he'd not been paying child support.

DH had to do all the pick up and drop offs because his ex doesn't drive and the journey is long and complicated on public transport so we lost a large chunk of time every other weekend. Even when I had a newborn he still did it. He didn't even think to ask her if she could meet him halfway and she didn't offer and it was hard being left alone with a small baby.

We've missed out on family trips. One Christmas his parents, siblings and their spouses and children all went abroad. We were invited but he declined the invitation because he said if he took DSC it wouldn't be fair on his ex to have her child away for the whole Christmas holiday, and it wouldn't be fair on DSC if we went and left her behind. It wasn't just me and DH who missed out but our child together too.

I always wanted two children and DH did too, but after we had a child together he then had two (one with me, one with his ex) and said he didn't want more and couldn't afford more. I did eventually have a second child, but there is a huge age gap between my two and I always wanted two close together.

DH and his ex had quite a difficult break up and I think he's always felt guilty about that, not that it was his fault, and because of DSC and him still having to see his ex regularly until recently he's not been able to put that behind him.

Once again I want to reiterate I love DSC very much and am very proud of her and I'm glad to have her in my life, but I think if I'd known when I met DH how challenging being a step mum is, even when the child is as lovely as DSC is, I would never have got into a relationship with him.

So AIBU to warn any young women reading this to think hard before committing to a relationship with a man who has a child?

Goes both ways some men wont date a woman that has a child/ children , and some women wont date a man with a child or children.
And TBVH i dont blame either.

Ive dated both sides and i have to say women were worse, im my experience.

I dont mind no strings attached on holiday but id rather stay single, than full on date.

I agree completely. In my 30s I went out with someone who had a young son eow (I had 2 younger ones of my own) and I used to dred eow when he visited as he was a little spoilt brat. I'd grin and bear it and luckily we never lived together. When I dated again I thought it would be better to go out with someone who had an older child/teen as mine were mid - late teens by then and that was mistake too as she was a daddy's girl spoilt princess who had an aire about her (relationship didn't last long, not because of daughter).

My current dp has no kids and it's bloody wonderful! And he gets on well with my now late teens.

Lol I'm now 55 and and still stuck to my no kids rules throughout with men. With exception of my current partner but his are in their 30s and live in different countries so don't have to put up with them

These threads are so depressing. Typical MN! I know so many happy blended families, where SMs feel very close to their SC.

One of my best friend was never able to face children, didn't know it at the time and she is so thankful to have her SC in her life.

I didn't have a good relationship ith my SM growing up, but as adults, she considers me like her second daughter and we are close. My dad adopted her child.

Not everyone is full of conflict and frustration in their lives!

That is true actually. And sometimes happens and things might just feel right.

Having said that I know loads of mothers who ended up single parents in their 20’s, and it seemed easier in one way, to get a new bf with child on board, some had more than one child or with multiple exes. Perhaps some vulnerability on the mothers side that they wanted a man around, and also from the man’s point of view from what I have seen, they know there is a future and opportunities with that woman, as opposed to an older woman with a child, who has experienced more and possibly even been married etc too. And knows what they do and don’t want. And that man will know she isn’t going to have more children etc too.

Well i have heard it advised that you should look for a mature man lol, with kids when you are mature with a child, i don’t completely agree, that can be complicated too.

I think unless it bothers you for your own reasons, then it’s up to the individual. It’s often that the woman already has kids too, not always but in alot of cases I have seen this.

I don’t think it’s ever easy, and not something I ever picked. But now getting to 40’s with a child myself it is something I have considered, or maybe naively thought that oh, he has a child this will be good lol, not necessarily!
As I find each guy with a child comes with a different situation.

It also does not mean they are more understanding of your situation or will embrace your child, but happy for you to take theirs on.

In a couple of situations the guy actually asked the partner if he could have his kids at her place, when it is his contact time, because he does not have a suitable home to do this in.
I know some say well when you are a couple and it’s for the long term, you would expect to take them on in one way or the other.
I think personally that is a p take. Especially when not living together, be it that may have been a choice decided by both partners.

I think it’s another example of a man taking advantage and a woman giving more than she will ever receive.
In one particular situation the rent is paid by the benefits. So that man is benefiting from that too, that to me, is wrong.

I agree. They will always put them first...and rightly so. You will never be a part of their bond. Always on the outside looking in. I don't know what the right way about it is.
My friend married a father who basically expected her to step into the daughters mother's shoes, and pick up from where her mother left off. Daughter resented this stranger in her home. I just couldn't do it. They are not together anymore.

I personally feel he should have focused solely on his daughter and protected their family unit instead of bringing another woman into the equation. At least until the daughter was older.

I would have thought it's obvious being with someone with a child will impact everything. For a decent person they would always put their child first, and if they didn't do that they're a deadbeat. Essentially a no win. I think it takes a very special person to be a step parent in all honesty.

DH had to do all the pick up and drop offs [...] every other weekend. Even when I had a newborn he still did it.

Many women consider a man who only sees his child every other weekend to be an absolutely crap father.
What on earth make you think he should have stopped doing even that tiny little bit of parenting for his first child just because he had a second? I note you say "when I had a newborn", not 'we', let alone 'he'. You are seeing it from your own perspective and comparing him to a man with no previous children (which is fine as that is the point of this thread), but you seem oblivious to his or the ex-wives' or the child's point-of-view.

From the ex-wife's perspective, he is a dead-beat, ever-other-weekend, crap dad who has shrugged off his parenting responsibilities. Why did they not go 50/50 with the care of his first child?

From the child's point-of-view, daddy left, abandoned them, and now has a new baby to replace them. They may have grown up to rationalise away these feelings, but make no mistake the scars will be there.

So yes, young women be wary of men with children from previous relationships, and be extra-doubly wary of crap every-other-weekend dads, mostly because they have horrible priorities when it comes to being a parent, but also because they may just treat you the same way and leave you coping alone for 12 nights out of 14 while they swan off with wife number 3.

My DH’s ex has significant mental health issues, at times she has been obsessive about ‘destroying’ me and my husband, culminating in my stepchildren now being in our care full time. It’s been tough and continues to be.

I think it can work very well. For me personally, it didn’t. It wasn’t my Sd’s fault. She was rude and didn’t like the idea of daddy loving someone else. She was 15 when I moved in (4 years after I met him)… difficult age. She had a reaction to being told to pick her dirty underwear up/tidy her room. And then, she didn’t see her dad for over three years (and me, 7 years) in protest. Her room smelt so bad… her dad described it as smelling like “a navies armpit!! 😂

I wasted years hoping to be liked/accepted. It never happened. I was at best tolerated. It got to the stage where we were exchanging Xmas gifts in February! A sign I think. Their mum had had an affair and the kids couldn’t accept that dad moved in, met and loved someone else. (I came along years after).

I’m divorced now. I was never going to be welcomed in any meaningful way. I’d say, be very careful OP. The sad thing was, we were both on our second marriage. I had a son. He had three teens. I LOVED that he was a family man, a good father. Nothing could have prepared me for the hostility from his son and daughter.

People keep saying why would you get involved with a man with a child when there are plenty who don't, but it's not as simple as that.

When I first met DH I didn't know for a while that he had a child. He wasn't deliberately hiding that or anything, and he did tell me before we went on our first date, but I did already like him a lot before I knew he had a child and I couldn't just stop liking him.

Also, this is going to sound weird, it kind of made me like him even more. He was an adult with responsibilities, and that made other men I knew seem like little boys, and it was flattering that he would like me, because I thought a single dad isn't going to go out with just anyone, he must see me as good enough not just for him but for his child too.

I know what I've just written probably makes me look like a bit of an idiot but I was young!

You see, my son’s father was not a good dad. He was selfish and barely there, for either his son or me.

My second husband (with three kids) was a fantastic dad. I found it seriously attractive. I loved that nothing was too much trouble for him, as far as his kids went. But the jealousy of his youngest daughter was scary. He couldn’t complement me/bring me a bunch of garage forecourt flowers without her shutting down, ignoring me and needing to go back to her mums on a “dad” weekend.

In hindsight? I’d stay well clear.

sorry responded to wrong post

I think when you have a divorce where there are no kids involved, it’s a clean break. If you and your partner met at 49, no children from previous marriages, surely, it’s all irrelevant? You’re two newly single people, dating/moving forward?

Unfortunately lazy men (and if your husband is an every-other-weekend dad then he is a lazy man) often do like young, naive women because what they’re really looking for is someone “good enough” to pick up a further share of their already low-level parenting.

It’s a bit like the saying that nobody falls in love faster than a man who needs a place to live.

He had to do drop offs and pick ups every second weekend? So I'm assuming he had the child 2 days out of 14? He didn't lose a lot of time, that's a shockingly little amount of time to commit to a child. Her mum didn't drive her to you but she had her 12/14 days.

It's also very convenient for him to say he'd have supported you of not for his child (who can't have factored that heavily if he's only seeing her eow) so I think you know that's an excuse

Obviously step parenting can be a nightmare by anyone's standards. But I think the problems really ramp up when the step mum has a child of her own. Like it or not, the majority of women want to put their bio child's needs first and they also want to enjoy a "nuclear family" unit, which is quite frankly impossible to achieve with step kids.

How old were you both when you went? This sounds like you were 18 and didn't go to uni because of him while he was 24 with a toddler he barely saw

I’m a man with no children and I dated a woman with children ( lots do ) , if I had my time again I would absolutely avoid single mothers and if I had any sons I would absolutely tell them to avoid women with children as well.

the father is almost always lurking in the background somewhere omnipresent - you are often compared to him - the children are not yours - so if you have any kind of emotional attachment- that ends when the relationship ends-

I hate to say it, but
this thread reads like young "Red pill" men blaming single mothers and why other men shouldn't date them.
I'm not saying life is better with step children, but single parents deserve love and respect. If anything, a partner with children at least shows their true nature quite quickly.

I think most people would prefer to date somebody without children from a previous relationship.

But I get why some settle. When the pool of good male partners, who you also are attracted to is so small….if he meets all your must haves but unfortunately has a child, that’s just a thing you end up putting up with.

I mean children was a dealbreaker for me and I am single - terminally so! I am not dealing with other people’s children, especially I refuse to be a step-mom to young children and at my age, most men have them!

I could have written this almost word for word.
My husbands ex is a vile, venomous woman and I dont think she will stop until she has ruined our relationship.
All the children are suffering because of her yet she portrays herself as being mother of the century. I would never ever actively choose to allow someone so poisonous to be in my life yet I have two choices, leave or stick it out for another decade until DSD turns 18

I got together with a man who has two children (at the time 4 & 6 years old). His wife had an affair and left him and the children. Probably more unusual because he was the primary parent, with their Mum seeing them EOW.

We split after 4 years together, and me being a 'step-Mum'. Thankfully, I didn't marry my ex or have any children with him. The hardest part was walking away from his boys, who I adored, it absolutely shattered me.

I vowed after the split to never date a man with children. I love children, and work with them too, but I couldn't cope with creating a bond with a partner's children, and then having to walk away if the relationship ended.

It's also having to deal with the children's Mum, who I actually liked on the surface but she really wasn't cut out to be a parent. She was too selfish, and self-absorbed to be able to prioritise her son's. To this very day (it's been 23 years since I left my ex), I can't understand how she could have walked away from her own children. Discarded like a couple of old socks. The boys are now fully grown adults in their early 30's with children of their own. It won't come as much of a surprise when I say that she's equally disinterested in her grandchildren!!

Being a step-parent isn't easy, and it's often a thankless role. It can be joyful, but it can also be fraught. It's definitely not for the faint hearted.