AIBU to think my husband is lying about another school mum?

[Ailiss]

So, I have woken up this morning to a fairly devastating message and my husband is not helping at all.
To cut a long story short, I have woken up to a message from one of the mums at DS's school telling me that both on Friday when she dropped her DD off (Scotland so we went back last week), and yesterday when she dropped her DD off at Gymnastics and went to sit in her car (DS goes to gymnastics too), my DH made some sexual advances on her.
She didn't elaborate, I have asked her to but she messaged around 9pm last night and I only just saw it when I woke up this morning, so she might be busy this morning and just hasn't seen my reply.
I asked DH for more info, and he said thats just not true. He claims he hardly spoke to her on Friday, and yesterday when he saw her parked up offered to buy her a coffee, so he did then they sat in her car together, he claims nothing else happened.
However last year he did make a joke about some of the mums of DS's friends being "smoking hot, 10/10s".
I know this woman fairly well, she is married, but much younger than us, maybe mid-20s, DH and I are knocking on 40. I actually went to school with her older brother and remember her when she was very small!

AIBU to think DH is just lying to me? What would she get out of sending me that if it wasn't true?

One thing that stands out to me is that you haven’t mentioned your DH sounding shocked or surprised by her message.

Thats what gave away my ex. He very calmly said she was lying, yet he wasn’t stunned by the message I’d received or suggest she’d messaged the wrong person. He was entirely unsurprised by it because it happened.

Good point, he didn't seem surprised at all, I said x has messaged me and he replied, oh? what is she saying?

Gross, mid 20s!

Yanbu, he’s given you doubt before. And I can’t imagine why he would think it’s ok to go sit in her car. He’s clearly rating them 10/10 or whatever so I would believe her. But try get a hold of her first to ask what happened

Apologies. Misread and misunderstood.

Also you seem quick to believe her. If someone said this about dh I’d have his back completely. If I didn’t trust him to send him off on a school drop off then there’s not much left for us.

Our DS has gymnastics on a Saturday morning, her DD goes too, I think most of the kids in DS's class seem to go!

Well it doesn’t sound good but I’d wait to hear what she says about it.
I would tend to believe her based on his comments regarding your child’s friend’s mums before.

I guess, between last years comment, and then some issues like arguing we have had lately it seemed believable, I also just can't think of why she would lie?

Yeah, I would also be suspicious that he didnt seem surprised.
If someone text my partner saying that id be shocked and asking loads of questions. Id be walking the interaction through with my partner and encouraging him to ask the person for a call to find out if there was a misunderstanding etc. Id be worried id done something that gave the wrong impression, basically.

I’d have to ask myself who stands to lose anything by being honest about this situation.

The mum has absolutely nothing to gain, only drama and discomfort at school drop offs from now on, if she is lying about this.

I’d be much more inclined to believe her than your DH, given his previous comments about how hot some of the mums are (btw, WTF?!) and the fact that he went and sat in her car. That’s a bold move for man who isn’t trying it on with a younger woman. Funny that he’s not going and sitting in the car with little Johnny’s grandma or Fred’s dad.

Does he seen offended or annoyed by her comments or is he just downplaying it?

Id be gobsmacked if someone text DH saying things like that about me, and it really said a lot to me when my ex wasn’t remotely surprised.

He asked what she said, when I told him, he just immediately said, well thats a lie, I hardly spoke to her on Friday, then explained Saturday and said he wouldn't normally but she was parked right beside him and he was bored and thought some company for the hour would be nice, most of the time he doesn't wait in the car, just goes and sits in a coffee shop nearby, so I'm not even sold on that. When I said I don't believe him he just got offended asking why I would believe a random woman over him.

He says they hardly spoke on Friday. She says he made sexual advances towards her on Friday and yesterday. Why then would she spend time sitting in a car with him yesterday drinking coffee? He needs to explain more and you need to hear from her. Lots of questions to be answered.

The thing that seems odd to me is that if DH “made sexual advances” to her on Friday, why did she accept his offer of coffee and sit in her car with him on Saturday?

Other than that, my opinion of men is rather low so 🤷‍♀️

Definitely sounds like he is sniffing about like a dirty dog and the other Mum quickly put a stop to it.

I would suggest pretending you've forgot all about it and keep a very close eye on him for the next couple of years.

He'll be on his best behaviour for now so you'll need to wait until he let's his guard down again.

Highly doubt she's lying and fair play to her for letting you know. Make sure your anger doesn't transfer to her. Hopefully she replies soon and you get the real story.

I’m just imagining my DHs reaction if I’d said similar to him. We’ve been together decades so I’m pretty sure I can predict how it would go;
“What? She said what?? I did nothing of the sort! She really said that? Right. I’m not having this. What’s her phone number. We’re sorting this out right now”.

Not that he’d need to convince me, because he absolutely wouldn’t do it.

Its way more common for men to try it on with attractive young women than it is for attractive young women to lie that random older men have tried it on with them. Those men are someone's husband. Why not OPs?

I’d ask the lady to meet me for a coffee to have a proper chat.

Fair play to her for messaging. She may well have saved you from years of the anguish of doubting yourself.

What would you do if it is true? If the answer is nothing then it doesn’t really matter either way.

I’d be pretty miffed at him buying a school mum a coffee and sitting in her car if he’d already said they’re 10/10. Men rarely admit the whole story straight away if they’ve cheated or tried to. What he’s said so far is bad enough to break trust. A decent partner wouldn’t create the conditions where this type of allegation is possible.

Because the 'random' woman has got nothing to gain by lying about this while he has a lot to gain by lying about it.

I think his reaction is telling. Surely the normal reaction would be shock, confusion, anger- not a flat she’s lying response.

Why would a gorgeous young woman half his age lie about that?! She wanted to warn you about him and I’d be thanking her. He’s a creep.