AIBU to think my husband is lying about another school mum?

[Ailiss]

So, I have woken up this morning to a fairly devastating message and my husband is not helping at all.
To cut a long story short, I have woken up to a message from one of the mums at DS's school telling me that both on Friday when she dropped her DD off (Scotland so we went back last week), and yesterday when she dropped her DD off at Gymnastics and went to sit in her car (DS goes to gymnastics too), my DH made some sexual advances on her.
She didn't elaborate, I have asked her to but she messaged around 9pm last night and I only just saw it when I woke up this morning, so she might be busy this morning and just hasn't seen my reply.
I asked DH for more info, and he said thats just not true. He claims he hardly spoke to her on Friday, and yesterday when he saw her parked up offered to buy her a coffee, so he did then they sat in her car together, he claims nothing else happened.
However last year he did make a joke about some of the mums of DS's friends being "smoking hot, 10/10s".
I know this woman fairly well, she is married, but much younger than us, maybe mid-20s, DH and I are knocking on 40. I actually went to school with her older brother and remember her when she was very small!

AIBU to think DH is just lying to me? What would she get out of sending me that if it wasn't true?

Not everyone reacts to lies by screaming and shouting. My partner can sound very deadpan, and I can imagine he would if he were faced with this situation. (only time I've seen him genuinely protest is when I accused him of seeing someone a few months ago when we went through a terrible time). I too have been accused of "not sounding serious" in the past, which is total rubbish.

However, wtf with sitting in her car? And why did she allow and accept this? I'd already be worried about that even without the rest. Why did either of them get into that situation? Seems there's more to this than it seems. Is she definitely as innocent as she's making out?

What?

My partner talks to multiple women and has women friends. He’s perfectly capable of doing so without making sleazy comments.

It does sound like he is chancing his arm. If she is a nice looking woman she is probably well used to this type of annoying pestering from men and knows where this is headed.

Fair play to her for telling you that. I’d have a lot of respect for her.

When mine went to gymnastics we watched... Not sit in a car

Sorry but something ain't right.

However a couple of things. If she tells others it will become a big issue. School mums, rumours, he said she said.... This could become messy particularly if all in same class...

I would be trying to get to bottom of it or it could become a serious matter

That sounds remarkably naive of you tbh.

I don’t think she’s lying but I also think DH will say he was just joking around.

I think she did the right thing by telling you and DH needs to apologise for making her feel uncomfortable and stay clear of her.

Unfortunately for you, your DH probably has a reputation of a creep now.

could it be a mis-interpretation? He’s admitted to offering to buy her a coffee and sit in the car together. He maybe thought this was innocent but she thought he was making a pass.

also a bit weird if she’s saying he was being inappropriate on the Friday afternoon yet she was happy to sit in a car and have a coffee with him on Saturday morning

I get what you are saying some people don’t respond loudly. People respond differently.

Why are you blaming HER for him sitting into her car?? I would be a quiet person also and would not like it if someone sat into my car and would feel so uncomfortable. I would not be able to say get out, I just wouldn’t be able to and call me chicken if you like, I probably am!

Men bank on this.

She sounds like a decent woman.

She wouldn’t.

Hes got form for making inappropriate comments. You know he said this. He’s going to try and minimise it, but the reality is your husband has hit on a younger woman and is a creep.

I am friends with a parents of both sexes of my DDs friends. We’re often all sitting in our cars at school/club pick ups. I chat to both mums and dads and would sit and have a coffee with any of them

This seems to be the best course of action to me.

It sounds like she has told you everything there is to know and it’s up to you to do whatever you want with that information.
Poor woman getting hit on. I think she did the right thing to tell you, maybe your husband will think twice next time.

Yes he's a creep but a 10/12 year age gap isn't old enough to be someone's dad.

Gawd, imagine living like this though?! Having to 'keep an eye' on your DH in case he wanders, strays, cheats, looking for 'signs,' seeing if he is over friendly with other women/other mums.

The comments he has already made 'phwoarrhing' at attractive young mums at the school tells me all I need to know. He's a chancer, a potential philanderer, (if not already one!) and a pig, and he is making advances towards women in the hope one of them may take him up on it. He is 40-ish and married with kids, and is acting like he is 21 and single, trying it on with 20-something young women.

What a fucking sleazy dick. I would be questioning the marriage right now @Ailiss I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Some women on here will feel for you, and some do have husbands that act like this - or used to. Many will be EX husbands!

All the best, but I don't trust him an inch. Make sure you start getting your ducks in a row, so you find it easier to get away when the time comes. (Or if it comes...)

tl;dr, I am sorry to say, I believe the woman who messaged you OP. I do not believe your husband.

How sleazy!

By my math 25 to 39/40 is more than 10 or 12 years.

op, yes he’s lying, he’s hit on her.

Just noticed this. What a pig.

Yes, she is telling the truth. No reason why she would make this up about a man much older than her. He is fantasising about shagging a young woman over 12-13 years younger than him. He's a pervert, and a sex pest.

God he sounds vile. I'm so sorry @Ailiss

Sitting in the car sounds weird to begin with so it seems entirely plausible.
I can’t see what she would get out of lying.

Sounds like typical predatory behaviour. The comment on Friday was testing the water and gave him more confidence to be pushy on Saturday.

He is absolutely is a sleaze, the question is, what, if anything do you do? Is this enough to end your marriage? Marriage counselling? Or a big row that blows over?

Sorry you’re having to deal with this.

I find what this woman said is totally believable. On Friday he made some creepy comments that he dressed up as “banter”. They are not they are disgusting. She responded like women do and laughed it up. On Saturday he thought he would try his luck again. She still didn’t tell him to pi** off. She didn’t do anything wrong.

Her only way out was to let the OP know. She doesn’t want this sleaze ball to be pestering her at every drop off. Well done to her.

He is lying. God some men are awful.

No it is not! It is desperate and humiliating. @Ailiss speak to your husband. He has been accused. He needs to represent himself and be accountable for his actions. He may be being lied about or he may be lying.

This woman may be telling the truth or she may be lying.

If she is lying then you and your husband are being maliciously targeted, but for what reason?

If she is telling the truth then your husband is a creep and needs to be treated accordingly.

OP do not sit down and have a coffee with this woman. If she is telling the truth, she has done the right thing to contact you. Now get this sorted with your husband.

Trust your intution on this, My ex husband was a complete flirt, used to make me feel crap with the way he would charm other woman, especially young coffee shop staff. Yet he would say he was just being polite. I am confident and secure in myself, it just crossed my boundaries how he behaved.

One day when I had just had our second child. I get a phone call from someone I knew, saying we think your husband is cheating on you and we are fuming as we know you have just had a baby. He worked away occasionally and we live in devon, and he was working in weymouth where our mutual friend from weymouth contacted me saying he had seen him looking cosy with another woman. I was fuming and confronted him he did the whole don't be stupid. My hormones were all over the place as I had just had a baby, my parents said if you chose to believe him then move on and forget the call, I did that as we had a beautiful family,

Role on 5 years later and he actually cheated when we went through a tough time and that time I threw him out - now 8 years on I do not regret it.

Men like this do not change, I know he hasn't as hes had 2 partners since and the last one called me, by getting my number off his phone, asking if hes ever been unfaithful as she had found messages between him and a younger woman he was trying to arrange to meet her. I told the other woman my past with him, and said please don't contact me again, as I have children with him & they are all I care about, and I have to see him for their benefit and don't want friction with him because he'll know I have spoken to you.

Then I saw him and just said so you haven't changed & I 100 percent made the right decision ending us as I can't trust you and no one can.

The messages seem far too specific and plausible. Also if my partner told me a nursery dad had said that I was coming onto them, I would be so flabbergasted I’d be suggesting that person could be mentally unwell. If your partner wasn’t shocked then I think it’s most likely true.

Do you know this woman? Socialise outside of school runs and club pick ups?

If you're not friends why did he buy her a coffee and sit in her car?
Sorry but I believe the mum, I can feel the awkwardness.

I'd believe her. She's giving you the heads up. Whether he hoped to start an affair or was just an ego boost, none of it is cool. He's a creep.