Was my friend out of line?

[littleonesleepy]

I saw a friend yesterday who had been having an affair for about two months with a married man and he has now left his wife to be with her.
When he left his wife he moved straight in with her and they started to have the children every Sunday or she might have said Saturdays but one weekend day a week but this has been the arrangement for about 3 months now and the first the kids knew about her was visiting dad in her house when they split.
She doesn’t know the wife but has seen her when they pick the kids up although only from the car but she doesn’t have a good word to say about their mum.

She told me she went to the kids school sports day because their dad was working and the kids who are in year 4 and 6 had asked her to.
She then said that the kids mum was there as she expected but was unaware she was going too and she started saying how the mum seemed really sniffy about her being there.
I know she has a right to be there if she wanted but I couldn’t help thinking this poor woman’s just had her world blown apart and the OW brazenly just turns up out the blue at her children sports day and puts her down for what she describes as seemed sniffy about it and then scorned her more by saying she didn’t look happy about her being chatty with the other mum’s who I presume she would have felt uncomfortable standing with if she was, she is not a mum herself so wouldn’t have known any of these mums.

I am really surprised at the lack of empathy she has for the ex 3 months after an almost 20 year marriage.
Did she go too far going to sports day on her own?

I know it’s none of my business but the way she worded it as if I was meant to agree that the ex was pathetic for feeling uncomfortable she turned up and I just couldn’t see my friends point in berating her because how did she expect her to be? after all she knew she was going so was prepared to see her where it would have been a complete surprise for the mum to see her come along.
I didn’t recognise my friend, she seems to utterly hate the woman and almost resentful that she feels hurt.

A person may not be happy in their marriage ( though presumably no one is blissfully happy in a long marriage) but their unhappiness may not be the fault of the marriage. If the marriage is normal and not abusive and they have been together a long time then the unhappy spouse is normally unhappy because they are unsatisfied with their own lives/ bored/ struggle with being known/ just an unhappy person who blames others.

These people may then have affairs. But they take their personalities with them to the new relationship and will therefore possibly repeat the pattern. My mums best friends ex husband is on marriage 4 - all the same pattern. Very long relationships. Wife’s very happy. Affair and then gone.

if you get with someone who has cheated in the past as a way of dealing with their unhappiness then there is the risk they will do it again if they become unhappy- for whatever reason.

Despicable behaviour, and your friend's a home wrecking trollop.

A friendship of mine never recovered after she got together with another friend’s husband. If she’d been humble and reflected on her actions fine, but she was so nasty about the other friend it was impossible not to judge.

Friendships grow apart, it sounds like this one is running its course.

The kids don’t really get what’s going on. It wouldn’t really have mattered if she’d gone in that their mum being there came first. Your friend is just daddy’s new ‘friend’ so they invited her.
The man here has sold your friend a dud story and in order to justify her behaviour she’s bad-mouthing this woman. She’s a disgrace.
The affair thing maybe you could get over as they do happen.
But these behaviours are not okay. If she does have any caring feelings towards these children then she’d shut up.
It is classic DARVO.
I was in a relationship with someone with two young daughters. He’d been divorced for two years and his ex was engaged to someone else.
But I can remember him making comments in front of others about his children preferring my company and I went nuclear.
One of his DC (under 10) took mr aside and said Petula I really like you but I really love mummy more, is that okay?
Children pick up on this.
In the end after meeting her I’d rather have spent the day with their mum than their dad. End of that, then.
Give her a wide berth and just tell her if it all turns out as she wishes, then good for her. If it doesn’t, you can be there for her.

Tell your friend that she has no self-awareness and is extremely arrogant to think she can breeze onto the playing field at sports day to get the admiration of the other mums.

She appears to want everybody, including the ex wife, to applaud her for vastly improving the life of her new man.

She acknowledges none of the pain the ex wife is suffering at her own hands and none of the confusion and turmoil the children will suffer in being pulled between two houses for the rest of their childhoods.

I doubt the new relationship will last that long but the damage to the family is already done.
Also tell your friend that if and when she eventually matures and realises she isn’t the princess she thinks she is, her conscience will kick in and she will not only have to live with the burden of the part she played in breaking up a family, but how spectacularly unaware she was of her own embarrassing and callous flaws.

My bil had an ow like this years ago. She actually told people at the sports event that she was my niece's mother. She told my sister that she wanted her life.Her husband, house and children. She did become bil's wife for awhile until he realized she was batshit crazy.

This was before the affair was out in the open too. He told my sister that she was just a workmate who was supporting through a bad marriage.

Yes, forgive yourself, learn from it and move on. He was a much.older married man and you were barely out of childhood.

I find in these situations, the 'new woman' always wants to bad mouth the ex to justify why the whole affair happened. Someone i knew used to say the ex was this 'council chav'. The bloke in question was having an affair, went back to his partner, married her, then quickly got divorced and married the mistress! Personally id have nothing in common with someone like your friend. I have lots of friends who get up to weird and wonderful things but fundamentally have the same values as me.

Did the dad not go to the sports day? I do think they should have taken a slower approach and no rushed into things and maybe should have waited before introducing the kids etc. But it is their life and In that respect what is done is done - the clocks cannot be turned back. It is a good sign the kids like her and asked her to sports day.

I also do not think that just because this man cheated on the wife he will do the same to your friend. People who are married have affairs, fall in love, leave their other halves and then live a happy, loyal life with the people they have had affairs with. It is not nice for the ex spouse, but it does happen. That said, your friend should have much more empathy for the ex wife, who has just lost her husband who she thought she was going to spend the rest of her life with. It is not nice what she is saying. The man has likely poisoned her by saying things too. Again not nice. Your friend should have more grace - very immature. I think you should tell her what you think. Respectfully and gently.

Only read OP and these are my thoughts. I'm interested in the answers, not assuming anyone cares about my thoughts.

Is this about you really?
How old are the adults and children in this scenario?
Why are you so against the wife? Your OP doesn't read as supportive or understanding of her as I'd hope someone would be, or you think.

Just yuk.

Your friend is totally deluded. How could she even have this perspective. She is the one in the wrong and so uncaring. I can't understand how she can be bitter towards the wife when she's the who the wife should be bitter towards.
2 months into an affair and then moving in with your friend is very quick. They can't possibly know eachother. I hope he leaves her, tries to return to his wife and the wife tells him where to go.
I know affairs are wrong and usually I'd still support a friend but in this case I wouldn't bother and couldn't be a friend to her any longer.
I cut contact with a friend who seemed very cut throat when she left her family. I understand why she left. It was her attitude towards the dcs that she left behind that I couldn't get over. She just wasn't the person I thought she was.

Sounds like the husband has been feeding his new girlfriend a pack of lies about the wife

Agree! I wonder if the OP has a husband/partner/kids, I'd keep the friend well away from them

I had colleagues that where shagging

(There's not enough brain bleach in the world to get rid of what I saw in his car park one evening)

He married and had kids waaayyy too young and she was sexy and single

They didn't even try to hide it-even after she found herself a boyfriend,they where still sneaking off for a quick shag on work time

They really went to town on the ex wife-how ugly she was,the lack of sex,how she'd let herself go,how she deserved to have her marriage blow up in her face etc

I met the wife-she is a lovely lady-doing her best with 3 kids (two have disabilities) he works all hours,leaving her to it (he doesnt bother with the kids as hes always tinkering with his hobby-not the outing one!) and she'd done nothing wrong

If you'd belived the ow,this poor wife was the devil and she was going to take over and bring up the dc ('we'll drive off into the sunset and i'll be their new mummy!')

The ow flew a bit too close to the sun,leaving him panicking about his wife finding out and then she left the job and as far as I know,they are still shagging with the wife still not having a clue

Wife really doesn't deserve what's happening to her-poor thing is in the trenches with young kids and not much left over so he's found some elsewhere

What did piss me off is the ow got all the blame and he was innocent-i pointed out she hadn't taken the vows-he had and was just as guilty

Part of me hopes she finds out and takes him to the cleaners and the other part of me really doesn't want her and the kids to get hurt (they are such sweet kids)

No ones just blaming the other woman, but it's the other woman that despite what she has done is being nasty to/about the wife

Yeah those ages are old enough to know that Dad is a dickhead. NO WAY at those ages would mine have asked a new girlfriend to attend sports day. Absolute bollocks

What an absolutely nasty piece of work to make comments like that. She should have kept a totally low profile and not have spoken to anyone unless spoken to and kept it to the minimum. The poor mother! As for the father moving her in immediately, and introducing another woman immediately too, what an absolute dirty piece of work.

She is a) triumphant that she’s “won” and b) worried that this prince may return to his wife since there’s no divorce in sight. It’s not sourness, it’s a toxic brew of adrenaline and cortisol. Rather than sitting with it she’s spewing it in the innocent OW’s direction. Vile.

I had a friend in a similar position- completely blinded and besotted by a married guy who filled her with stories of how the marriage was over, she was the monster from hell, unkind to him and the children etc etc. She moved in ( despite my warnings) was wonderful with the children ( who she still sees and gets on well with now) but less than a year later he’d moved on!! She was in her 20s and v naive. The man went on to have numerous affairs bouncing back to his wife and other women. Presumably your friend is older and should be wiser - but the fact that the father refused to go to sports day ( “ too busy “) , knew the mother would be there and yet gave the green flag for his mistress to go sounds manipulative and deliberate. Yes your friend should of course know better - but I’d be digging to see how much of it is what she genuinely believes, or if she already suspects a ginormous mistake and is trying to convince herself it’s all the first wife’s fault. You say you hardly recognise her - people in love can do crazy, stupid, out of character things and understanding that isn’t the same as condoning or excusing it. She may need your support in the future when the pack of cards crumbles!!

Your friend is a moron. I'd fade away from.that friendship.

By 'sniffy' did she mean the mum was upset? Sniffling?

Jesus christ that poor woman, to have the OW appear in your kids lives from day 1 and then berate you for having a reaction to it.

Your friend is clearly some sort of psychopath.

There are many reasons why people cheat, but to accept that would mean people having to examine their own part in the situation.

It’s quite possible to get bored of your spouse or to meet the right person while still married. Of course some people just like fucking around but not every affair is as simplistic as sleazy man/evil OW/ poor hard done by wife.

Comments from PP about the other woman not having any empathy for the wife are crazy though. The Ow owes her nothing.

A friend of mine found that her kids (similar age) had done similar because they liked her and their mother had used the kids to try to spy on her ex and the OW and they had had enough.

Turning up to Sports Day like that was completely tasteless. She's trying to mark her territory and intimidate that mother.
Your friend is a cruel and selfish adversary for someone who never asked for one. Absolute skank.