Was my friend out of line?

[littleonesleepy]

I saw a friend yesterday who had been having an affair for about two months with a married man and he has now left his wife to be with her.
When he left his wife he moved straight in with her and they started to have the children every Sunday or she might have said Saturdays but one weekend day a week but this has been the arrangement for about 3 months now and the first the kids knew about her was visiting dad in her house when they split.
She doesn’t know the wife but has seen her when they pick the kids up although only from the car but she doesn’t have a good word to say about their mum.

She told me she went to the kids school sports day because their dad was working and the kids who are in year 4 and 6 had asked her to.
She then said that the kids mum was there as she expected but was unaware she was going too and she started saying how the mum seemed really sniffy about her being there.
I know she has a right to be there if she wanted but I couldn’t help thinking this poor woman’s just had her world blown apart and the OW brazenly just turns up out the blue at her children sports day and puts her down for what she describes as seemed sniffy about it and then scorned her more by saying she didn’t look happy about her being chatty with the other mum’s who I presume she would have felt uncomfortable standing with if she was, she is not a mum herself so wouldn’t have known any of these mums.

I am really surprised at the lack of empathy she has for the ex 3 months after an almost 20 year marriage.
Did she go too far going to sports day on her own?

I know it’s none of my business but the way she worded it as if I was meant to agree that the ex was pathetic for feeling uncomfortable she turned up and I just couldn’t see my friends point in berating her because how did she expect her to be? after all she knew she was going so was prepared to see her where it would have been a complete surprise for the mum to see her come along.
I didn’t recognise my friend, she seems to utterly hate the woman and almost resentful that she feels hurt.

You are the company you keep. Why are you still friends with this scum bag cheater of a person. You absolutely can pass judgement on people who do vile things. Isn’t she showing you how vile she is?? Turning up at the sports day and having the audacity to expect the mother to be nice to her.

Bad enough to start a relationship with an affair (no, not blaming this all on her!) but to then insert yourself into things like this so soon is awful.
The poor ex must have felt sick seeing her - although I’m sure in time she’ll be thankful her weak minded husband has gone!

As for the kids asking her to go - if that is true, then she should have said she can’t but
cant wait to hear all about it when they get back.

She sounds utterly awful. I’d be distancing myself completely from now on, I’d be embarrassed to be her friend tbh

I suppose the man may have gone overboard on the whole, 'my marriage is over, we just live together for convenience/the children, there's no love left, we don't have sex' etc etc and your friend may have fallen for it so expected the wife to be indifferent, but...

I actually just think your friend is a pos and I'd bail.

Ooh so disgusting that you think being a ‘sister’ means you accept morals like this.
Both are to blame. BOTH

The question you’re asking is so patently ridiculous that I’m tempted to believe this some sort of reverse by the ex.

Still doesn’t matter. If you know a man is married you stay away. She is not innocent in all this!

Your friend hates her because the alternative is to look at herself and see who she really is.
People don't generally like to do that, so they hate their victim, because their victim is a constant reminder of what they are.

She's slagging off the mother of her boyfriend's children to OP. Where is the sisterhood in that behaviour?

She's basically saying that the children's mother has had her turn with her own children and it's time for her to slip away quietly and give her children to OP's friend. OP's friend is deluded, callous and ridiculous. Her being a woman doesn't excuse this behaviour.

OP is being perfectly reasonable to see her friend in a new light and to decide that she no longer wishes to be friends with her.

I have a friend who is having an affair, both married with kids. I have been feeling increasingly uncomfortable with the situation because it feels like the deeper she gets into the affair the less empathy she has for anybody else involved and the more she manages to justify her behaviour to the point she now frames herself as the victim.

It has made me see my friend very differently and I am starting to pull back from the friendship, whilst I didn’t approve of the affair it wasn’t something I expected to effect our friendship as I try not to judge and understand things from all perspectives. However, the way she talks about it is from such a selfish place and is so devoid of empathy towards anyone else it’s making me question who she actually is deep down and I am struggling to understand it. I know she has to live with herself 24/7 and maybe the only way she can do that is to find a way to justify it by dehumanising the people she is hurting but it is so unpleasant to hear and making me really question who she is deep down.

I’m not quick to judge or condemn somebody for doing something morally questionable if they show guilt, remorse, empathy etc but when there is a complete lack of these, such as with your friend, it does throw everything into question. Your friend’s behaviour shows that she is selfish and uncaring and willing to dehumanise another to make herself look and feel better. In your situation I would be pulling away from the friendship, as I’m realising I need to do in my case.

Your friend is an arsehole who is pretending to me mummy

Your friend is a cunt.

Please say you are t going to be friends wit the is woman any longer. She is selfish and cruel.

You don’t need her in your life.

I couldn't be friends with this awful woman and tbh it doesn't make you look very good either. And no, she had no right to be at the sports day, she's known the kids 5 minutes! Does your friend have children? How much younger is she than the wife?

The mother of the children will be in much turmoil and pain while your friend seems hell bent on making things even worse for her.

The poster mentioning sisterhood above clearly doesn't know the meaning of the word.

I would walk away from any friendship who behaved like your friend OP. You haven't seen this side of her before because her mask had yet to slip. Don't be in any doubt how malicious and cruel she is. She is showing you just how much pain she is happy to inflict on another woman and mother.

She sounds like an absolute weirdo with zero emotional intelligence

Are people blaming her for the affair? Or more so for her being staggeringly cruel and nasty to and about his ex wife, as well as getting involved with the kids irresponsibly quickly?

The affair is one thing but she shouldn’t be getting close to the children this quickly and going to the sports day this soon was way out of line.

After reading all your posts, OP, it seems your friend is a nasty bitch who is trying to intentionally humiliate a woman SHE has wronged. She seems to have some massive problems as she is as wrapped up in the wife as she is the husband. And she is dragging kids into her drama as well. Honestly, not only would I judge her as morally bankrupt, I would think the same of any one who stayed friends with her knowing she behaves like this.

She’s shouldn’t even have met the kids. The whole thing is disgusting.

She’ll be crying down the phone when the whole thing blows up in her face, please laugh and remind her ‘fuck around and find out’.

This.

I would not be able to be friends with someone like this. This is sociopathic low levels of empathy.

Has she ever turned this sort of thing onto you? @littleonesleepy

I do not believe children in Y4 and Y6 asked her to be there.

She is a horrible person. Often I’d think just quietly end the friendship through lowering contact, not meeting up etc etc but in this case she does need to be told how awful she is being - for all the reasons you already know. And no sugarcoating.

Wow! I didn't think it possible to have zero self-awareness.

I'm actually shocked.

She had absolutely no business being at the kids sport day and if she is that lacking in empathy to ask you why their mum might be sniffy she is completely deluded and I’d be distancing myself from her

She must have incredibly low self esteem. She's obviously desperate to keep this man to move him in and try and play step mum so quickly, I wonder what made her that way.

I'd stop the friendship and move on. The wife sounds like she is rising above it all and doing it with class, hopefully she'll move on to better things.